Strategies for Forgiveness
Erev Yom Kippur is the day for forgiveness, when people ask those whom they’ve wronged to forgive them. Many people receive text messages throughout the day from their friends and relatives that say something to the effect of, “I hope you forgive me for anything I may have done wrong.”
Just about 100 percent of those messages that we receive before Yom Kippur are from people who don’t need our forgiveness. The people who have really hurt us, who always seem to make an annoying or offensive remark, who always seem to flaunt their successes and good fortune, who always seem to be giving unsolicited advice and criticism, or who just always seem to make us upset, aren’t sending us text messages asking us for forgiveness.
The question becomes, should we forgive even them? We all, I imagine, have at least two or three people in our lives who routinely make us upset, unapologetically so. Are we expected to forgive even these people?
Nobody is Left Behind
The answer is absolutely yes.
The story is told of an El-Al flight from Israel that carried campers and staff of Camp Simcha, an extraordinary summer camp run by the Chai Lifeline organization for children suffering from various kinds of serious illness. Jewish children from around the world take part in this special program, enjoying a desperately-needed break from their lives of constant treatments and hospital visits. The program has a large medical staff as well as numerous personal aides to ensure that each and every child is well cared for. As the Israeli campers and staff boarded the plane at Ben Gurion Airport to fly to the United States for camp, each passenger presented his or her ticket and passport, as usual. However, there was one girl who could not find her passport. She looked through every pocket and throughout her hand luggage, but it was nowhere to be found. The airline personnel had no choice but to bar her from boarding. By law, nobody can fly without a valid passport.
We can only imagine the girl’s disappointment. The weeks spent in camp were, truly, the only fun she ever experienced in her life of ongoing medical attention. She was shattered.
Sometime after takeoff, the girl’s aide, who had boarded the plane, went into her hand luggage to get a snack, and she saw the camper’s passport. The woman was heartbroken. She had taken the girl’s passport, and had forgotten that she had placed it in her bag for safekeeping.
The woman alerted the stewardess, who reported the story to the captain of the plane. Without a moment’s hesitation, the captain turned the plane around and went back to Ben Gurion Airport to pick up the girl.
This story characterizes the Jewish People’s attitude towards our nationhood and our responsibility to one another. We don’t leave anybody behind. We include everybody.
This is true on Yom Kippur, as well. When we come before Hashem to ask for forgiveness and to beg for a year of health and happiness, we pray not only for ourselves, but for the entire Jewish Nation, for each and every one of its members. And we cannot leave anybody behind – even those people who insulted or annoyed us. Indeed, we begin the Yom Kippur service by declaring, אנו מתירין להתפלל עם העבריינים – that we include sinners in our prayers. We beseech G-d to forgive all of us, regardless of who they are or what they’ve done. This is the Jewish way. We are one unit, and we care and look out for each and every member of our nation.
But if this is the case, then we need to ask, how do we forgive? How is it possible to forgive those people who make us so upset and cause us such distress?
If the individual who hurt us is a generally good and reasonable person, then the answer to this question is very simple: we ought to approach him and respectfully bring the incident to his or her attention. I occasionally have people approach me or call me to inform me that I said something which hurt them in some way, and I then apologize and learn from the experience. I am always grateful when this happens; I would much rather that people share with me openly that I said something hurtful than have them harbor hostile feelings.
Often, however, this is not an option. There are those who will never admit wrongdoing or apologize, despite causing us a great deal of aggravation. How can we forgive them?
I would like to present here four vitally important strategies for forgiveness, four changes we can make so we can truly forgive everyone, and so we can stand before Hashem on Yom Kippur and pray as we should – sincerely asking for G-d to bless each and every member of His beloved nation.
Step 1: Change What You Believe
When we have somebody in our life who disturbs, annoys or insults us, we tend to react by thinking to ourselves, “If only I did not have to deal with this person, my life would be great!” “This annoying person is ruining my Sunday!” “My summer would be perfect if not for him!” We blame this person for ruining what would otherwise be a perfect life.
But this perspective is fundamentally mistaken.
On Yom Kippur afternoon, we read the story of Yonah, the prophet whom Hashem commanded to go to the gentile city of Nineveh and announce that they should repent. Yonah did not want to go, as the people of Nineveh’s repentance would put Beneh Yisrael to shame. And so he fled, only to be cast into the ocean during a storm, and then swallowed by a large fish. Yonah prayed, and Hashem had the fish expel Yonah, whereupon he proceeded to fulfill his mission. After Nineveh repented, Yonah sat outside the city depressed and downtrodden. In the closing verses of the Book of Yonah, we read that Hashem had a tree grow to produce shade for Yonah, protecting him from the scorching sunlight, but then had a worm eat the tree’s roots the next day, causing it to collapse. Hashem then made a hot wind blow, causing Yonah great discomfort. He once again became very depressed, and G-d said to him, “You’re so upset about the tree – but the people of Nineveh are My creatures, whom I care about, and so I wanted them to repent and be spared.”
There is one word that repeats itself several times throughout the story of Yonah: וימן. This word means, “appointed” or “directed.” G-d assigned the fish to swallow Yonah, and later assigned the tree to grow, the worm to eat the roots, and the hot wind to blow. One of the messages of the story of Yonah is וימן – that everything is guided by Hashem. Every difficult or uncomfortable situation we experience is brought about by Hashem. The message to Yonah was that G-d specifically wanted Beneh Yisrael to feel pressure by seeing the people of Nineveh saved through their repentance. This caused them humiliation, but this is what G-d wanted, for their own benefit, so that they, too, would be moved to repent.
If there is a person in our life who infuriates us, we need to remember וימן – Hashem specifically placed that person there in order to achieve a certain result. I myself know somebody who, no matter how hard I try to befriend him, is always cold and unfriendly to me. I can only conclude that Hashem put this person in my life to prevent me from feeling too much pride in my interpersonal skills and friendliness. This person serves the important role of reminding me of my limits, that I am not able to befriend everyone.
I once spoke about this topic to a group of teenage girls, and one of them told me that back in 5th grade, a classmate called her “fat” in front of all her peers.
“To this day,” the girl said, “I cannot forgive her for embarrassing me like that!”
I then turned to one of the other girls and asked if she felt the first girl was “fat.”
“Of course not,” the second girl said.
“Well, what happened?” I asked.
The first girl explained that after being publicly humiliated because of her weight, she began watching her diet. Hashem guided that other girl to hurl an insult in order to motivate the first girl to change, to lose weight. Of course, this does not make it right to insult somebody. But from our perspective, we need to see Hashem’s Hand guiding people to disturb us for our benefit, in order for us to achieve a desired result.
This is the first step to forgiveness: recognizing that nobody can do anything to us if Hashem does not want it to happen. Every insult and every annoyance is, ultimately, for our benefit, brought by Hashem in order for us to be inspired to grow.
Step 2: Change What You Think
The second step brings us away from matters of Jewish faith to simple common sense.
The Mishna in Pirkeh Avot (1:6) instructs, הוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות, which is commonly translated as, “Judge every person favorably.” However, this phrase can also be read as, “Judge the entirety of a person [כל האדם] favorably.” This means that when we feel somebody acts or speaks improperly, we need to judge כל האדם, we need to take into consideration his entire life, all his experiences and everything he is dealing with.
In virtually every instance when somebody speaks to us in an offensive or irritating way, it has nothing at all to do with us. With very rare exception, the person speaking to us this way struggles with some difficult situation in his or her life. We know very little about what the people around us are going through – even those people whom we think we know well. They could be struggling in their marriage, with their children, with their finances, with a health issue, or with any one of the millions of problems that people confront. Understanding this basic truism is crucial for viewing others favorably, tolerantly and forgivingly.
The Gemara tells that Rav, one of the greatest Talmudic sages, once began delivering a class, and another Rabbi walked in late. Rav went back to the beginning so that the Rabbi who arrived late would not miss any material. Then another Rabbi walked in, and Rav again returned to the beginning. This happened a third time, and then a fourth time, when Rabbi Hanina entered the room. This time, however, Rav did not go back to the beginning.
Rabbi Hanina felt very offended, as we might imagine. This is like the person who sees that his in-laws delay the meal or rework their schedule to accommodate all his siblings and siblings-in-law, but not for him. Astoundingly, the Gemara tells that Rav asked Rabbi Hanina forgiveness every Erev Yom Kippur for thirteen years (!!!), and each time Rabbi Hanina refused. The Gemara explains that Rabbi Hanina refused to forgive Rav because he felt that Rav was trying to usurp his position in the yeshiva. In Rabbi Hanina’s mind, this was not just about a few minutes’ worth of missed material, or even a sign of disrespect. There was something far deeper going on.
And this is how it always is. When people act or speak in a hostile, malevolent manner, it is, almost always, because of something they are struggling with.
I know this very well from my own experiences. Once, I suffered from a painful backache on Friday afternoon, and found myself standing in a crowded doctor’s office close to Shabbat, waiting for my turn so I could receive the treatment and medication I needed. I was in a great deal of pain and under a great deal of pressure, with Shabbat soon starting and knowing that I needed to teach five classes the next day. As I stood there, another woman on line started speaking to me and giving unsolicited advice. On top of all that, I noticed that people who came after me were being admitted before me. I became testy, and began snapping at that woman.
I was not snapping at that woman because I disliked her or wanted to offend her. I snapped because I let the stress and discomfort of the situation overcome me. This wasn’t right, but this had nothing to do with that particular woman.
An even more extreme example is the story told of a man who once got onto a subway train with his four children, and sat there lost in his thoughts while the young children ran about wildly, making noise and disturbing the other passengers.
Finally, one of the passengers couldn’t take it anymore, and he angrily bellowed at the father, “Why are you letting your kids do this? Why aren’t you controlling them?”
“I’m sorry,” the man said, meekly. “They’re having a very hard time. We are on our way back from the hospital, where their mother just died.”
So often, people’s lives are much more challenging than they appear to others. When we feel offended or slighted, we need to remind ourselves that this has nothing to do with us, that the person is likely struggling with hardships that we do not know about. This makes it so much easier to forgive, to forget, and to move on rather than dwell on the unpleasant experience.
Step 3: Change the Way You Act
Sometimes, when we are pushed over the edge by another person’s annoyances or insults, we decide to “tell it to him straight,” to angrily scold the person, with the fantasy that this will cause a change. The truth is, however, that this never works. Rarely, if ever, has a person reacted to an angry tirade by saying, “You’re right, I’m sorry.”
Counterintuitive as it might seem, the opposite approach is far more likely to succeed. If we want the person to feel remorseful and to change, then our best bet is to be forgiving, kind, caring and friendly. King Shlomo teaches (Mishleh 27:19), כמים הפנים לפנים כן לב האדם לאדם – just like water shows us our reflection, similarly, we see the reflection of our feelings for somebody in the way they act towards us. If we want somebody to smile at us, we should smile at them. If we want somebody to be kind and polite to us, we should be kind and polite to them. The way to get a person to change the way he acts towards us is to act with relentless friendship towards that person.
The Gemara (Yoma 87a) tells that a certain butcher once insulted Rav, and on Erev Yom Kippur, he did not go to the Rabbi to request forgiveness. Rav decided that rather than wait for the butcher to approach him, he would go to the butcher to initiate reconciliation. He understood that the best way to change people is to be actively loving, caring, forgiving and kind. This is the best way to get the results we want. Hostility only breeds more hostility.
The story is told of a Rosh Yeshiva who was walking through the dormitory of the yeshiva, and stepped into a certain room. One boy was sitting there, and he watched as the Rabbi took note of his roommate’s open drawer, which contained a pack of cigarettes. His roommate was caught possessing cigarettes, which the yeshiva strictly forbade. The boy later informed his roommate that the Rosh Yeshiva had discovered his pack of cigarettes, and the roommate was very frightened, worried that there would be severe repercussions.
The next day, he was told that the Rosh Yeshiva wished to speak to him in his office. Trembling, and fearing the worst, he knocked on the door and went in.
“I saw a pack of cigarettes in your drawer,” the Rosh Yeshiva said. “Please tell your friend who put them there that cigarettes are not allowed in the yeshiva.”
This Rosh Yeshiva was no fool. He knew full well that these were the boy’s own cigarettes. But he brilliantly found a way to turn a negative situation into a positive one. And it worked. The boy walked out of the office with newfound affection and appreciation for the Rosh Yeshiva, and he turned his life around. The Rosh Yeshiva’s wisdom, his reacting with kindness, rather than anger and resentment, changed this boy’s life.
If somebody makes a nasty comment to us, the best response is to stay calm and pleasant, and to smile. If we fight fire with fire, we end up with a five-alarm blaze. If we fight fire with a smile, it will pretty soon be extinguished.
Step 4: Change the Way You Live
The fourth and most important strategy for forgiveness is to change our entire outlook on life.
There are two ways we can live, two mindsets with which we can view life, which we might call “the ‘or’ perspective” and “the ‘and’ perspective.” One who lives with “the ‘or’ perspective” sees everything as a matter of “you or me.” If we have a friend who earns a lot of money, it means that we don’t have enough money. If our friend’s child wins a prestigious award, it means that our child has failed because he did not win an award. Every time somebody else enjoys some form of success or good fortune, it means that we didn’t. People who live with this mindset are guaranteed to feel unfulfilled, and plain miserable, their entire lives. After all, there will always be people around us succeeding in ways which we don’t. There’s no escaping that reality. And so if somebody views everybody else’s success as his failure, then he will go through life feeling like a failure. It’s that simple.
In order to enjoy fulfillment and happiness, we need to live with “the ‘and’ perspective.” This means going through life with the firm belief that Hashem is fully capable of blessing everybody. We can be happy and excited over our friend’s successes and blessings because they do not infringe one iota on our blessings. If we view life as a competition, it will be a competition that is both endless and hopeless. We’ll never win. But we shouldn’t view life as a competition. It’s not him or me; it’s about us. If we can live with this outlook, we will avoid jealousy and feelings of failure, and experience true joy and contentment.
I recall one time when I found myself feeling down and frustrated, and I wondered why I felt this way. I gave it some thought, and I realized that my bad mood was because of jealousy. One of my peers received something which I felt that perhaps I should have received, and this disturbed me. After reflecting on the situation, I decided to do a mental about-face, and to completely transform my outlook. Instead of feeling annoyed and distressed, I could instead feel happy for that other person, to celebrate with him. And so I made a point of approaching him with a big smile, offering warm congratulations, and expressing my sincere admiration and support. My mood was completely transformed.
What does this have to do with forgiveness?
If we live with “the ‘and’ perspective,” without competitiveness and jealousy, people will feel our goodwill. If we stop feeling threatened by people, and instead celebrate their good fortune with them, they will return the warmth and avoid negativity. Positivity is contagious, and it comes back like a boomerang. If we want people to stop their negative behavior towards us, then we should change the way we live – and live with the firm belief that Hashem has more than enough to give to all of us. The people around us will feel our positive feelings, and will then respond in kind.
Rav Chaim Tzvi Kakon, who leads a yeshiva in Toronto, is not your typical Rosh Yeshiva, and his yeshiva is not your typical yeshiva. The yeshiva serves young men who have lost their hearing, and Rav Chaim Tzvi himself is deaf. It is told that many years ago, he attended the wedding and then the sheva berachot celebration of his friend, Nuri. During the sheva berachot, Rav Chaim Tzvi stood up and said that he wanted to tell all the guests about his relationship with Nuri.
He related that when he was a kid, there were no Jewish schools for deaf children, and so he attended public school. He insisted, however, on attending a Jewish summer camp, and so one year, when he was twelve, his parents enrolled him in camp. When he arrived in camp on the first day, he followed all the children to the auditorium, where his worst nightmare came true. The head of the camp announced the campers’ division into bunks, and all the boys set off to their bunks. Chaim Tzvi just sat there, miserable, having no idea where to go. Finally, a counselor came and showed him to his bunk. By then he decided that this was going to be the worst eight weeks of his life.
Just then, a camper named Nuri walked in. Realizing Chaim Tzvi was deaf, he began communicating with him in sign language. He explained that the previous summer, too, he had a fellow camper who was deaf, and so he made a point of learning sign language. Nuri added that he would be Chaim Tzvi’s friend throughout the summer.
“Nuri never left my side,” Rav Chaim Tzvi recalled, “and because of him, I had an incredible experience that summer.” Chaim Tzvi returned to the camp for subsequent summers, and even became a waiter in the camp.
When he grew older, Chaim Tzvi attended yeshiva in Baltimore – where Nuri also learned. On the very first day of yeshiva, Nuri approached him and offered to be his havruta (study partner), realizing that nobody else wanted to study with a deaf boy. Thanks to Nuri, Chaim Tzvi enjoyed great success in yeshiva and became a Torah scholar.
“Tonight,” Chaim Tzvi told all the guests, “I want everyone to know just how I indebted I feel to Nuri, and what a wonderful person our hatan is.”
Nuri then stood up and said, “No, Chaim Tzvi, I owe everything to you. First, you were a brighter student, and I learned a great deal from you. But in addition, my marriage is because of you. While I was dating my wife, I learned that both her parents are deaf. Most people would not be able to deal with this kind of situation. But my close friendship with you, Chaim Tzvi, prepared me for this, and I knew that I could become part of this family. I am married today because of you.”
When we dispense kindness to others, it comes back to us. The proper way to handle the annoying people in our lives is through loving kindness, which will, eventually, translate into their loving kindness towards us.
Internal Change
Every year, before Yom Kippur, people talk about change, and generally, they talk about specific measures and acts that they can take upon themselves. For some people, it might be making a greater effort to recite birkat ha’mazon after meals. Others might decide to begin with ensuring to properly observe Shabbat once a month. There are those who commit to an extra Torah class or other learning program. Each person chooses a measure to undertake based on their current level, in order to move one step forward as we head into the new year.
These measures are all very valuable and are certainly to be encouraged. However, I would propose that we try to go even further, and change our entire mindset. We should be going into Yom Kippur with an entirely different perspective on life, with the willingness to turn the plane around to pick up our fellow Jew – any Jew. We should change our outlook to the “and” mindset, recognizing that we are all in this together, that there is no reason to compete or feel jealous, that another person’s blessings do not at all diminish anything from our own blessings. When we stand before G-d with this mindset, and undergo a true internal change, viewing our lives from this perspective, then we will be able to truly forgive all those who have wronged us, and then we, too, will earn forgiveness and bountiful blessings for the coming year, amen.