Strategies for Stress
For many of us, this is a stressful time of year. The transition from summer to fall, the beginning of the new schoolyear, and the rapidly-approaching holidays can make many people feel overwhelmed. Those who were away for the summer are busy moving back home; those who had vacation time during the summer are now getting back into their normal work routines; those with school-aged children are busy getting the kids ready for school; and once we get through all that, the holidays will be upon us.
This is as good a time as ever to discuss the ever so relevant subject of stress, and how to best handle it.
Recognizing the “Good” in “Good Stress”
The first step to effectively handling stress, I believe, is to recognize the crucial distinction between what I call “good stress” and “bad stress.”
“Good stress” is the kind of stress that we all have, and we all should, in a sense, want to have. Our marriage, our children, our jobs, our homes, our mitzvot and our social obligations all cause us some degree of stress. All these are very rewarding, and are what fill our lives with joy and meaning, but they require a lot of work and are often complicated. “Bad stress” is the stress people feel when, Heaven forbid, they face a grave situation, such as unemployment, divorce or serious illness in the family. We will first speak about strategies for dealing with “good stress,” the common, everyday problems that we confront, before turning our attention to the far more serious situations of “bad stress.”
The first step to dealing with “good stress” is to recognize that it is, indeed, “good.” When we find ourselves struggling with a difficult child, we need to stop and tell ourselves, “I am so fortunate to have children.” When we find ourselves struggling in marriage, we need to stop and tell ourselves, “I am so fortunate to be married.” When our car breaks down and we receive a $1,000 bill from the mechanic, we need to stop and tell ourselves, “I am so fortunate to have a car.” When three appliances break in the same day, we need to stop and tell ourselves, “I am so fortunate to have a home with modern-day appliances.” When our child is sick and needs to be taken to a doctor and given medication, we should stop and say, “I am so fortunate that what he has is curable.” If our job or business is demanding and problems come up, we should stop and tell ourselves, “I am so fortunate to have a source of income each month.”
This isn’t just a mind game. It’s absolutely true. Is it not a great blessing to be busy, to have things to worry about, to have a long “to-do list,” to have challenges to overcome, to have places to go, to have people who are depending on us? If we have “good stress,” it means our lives are meaningful and productive, that we are making a difference in people’s lives, that we are having an impact, that in some small or not-so-small measure, we all making the world better. Is this not the most wonderful blessing we could ever wish for?
The second step when handling “good stress,”, which I often emphasize, is to take a moment to think of the worst-case scenario. In virtually all situations of normal, everyday stress, the worst-case scenario is not all that bad. If a mother is rushing to try to get a nice, healthy dinner together for her family, and she feels stressed because of a dozen things she needs to get done that afternoon, the worst-case scenario – ordering in pizza, for example – is not that terrible. Even if this is what needs to happen, her family will not go hungry or suffer malnutrition. If she is stressed because her child needs help with homework, and she’s busy with ten other responsibilities, the worst-case scenario is that her child will not complete his homework assignment that night, and might not get the grade he or she wants. This one homework assignment will not ruin the child’s academic career. If she is stressed about the mess in the house, the worst-case scenario is…that she’ll have a messy house. Is that really so bad? Is it an intolerable situation? By reminding ourselves that the worst-case scenario is not all that terrible, we can considerably reduce the amount of stress in our lives, so we can enjoy what we do rather than become overwhelmed by it.
Finally, we need to recognize that the final outcome is not dependent on us. One of the great challenges that we face in life as Torah-observant Jews is believing and recognizing that we cannot truly take credit for our accomplishments. Ultimately, all our successes are the result of Hashem’s will. If a person earns money and is able to purchase a large, beautiful home, this is because Hashem wanted it to happen. If a mother works hard and prepares a large, scrumptious meal for her family and guests, this is because Hashem wanted it to happen. And the same is true of our failures. If we don’t accomplish all that we set out to accomplish, this is because Hashem did not want it to happen. Just as we cannot take the credit for what we do right, we must not take the blame for what does not work out right.
This awareness, too, can go a long way towards alleviating our stress in life. Once we realize that our job is no more than to do the best we can, and the outcome depends only on Hashem, we can feel relaxed as we go about life fulfilling our responsibilities. We need to work hard, be responsible, and accomplish as much as we can, but with an understanding that in the end, only Hashem determines the final outcome. The burden of pressure in life becomes so much easier to bear when we recognize that the end result does not depend on us.
Our Mission
The far more difficult question is how one can handle “bad stress,” the stress that comes from a serious life crisis, such as the loss of a job, the breakdown of a marriage, serious illness or personal loss. When it comes to these situations, of course, the “worst-case scenario” is, in truth, very, very serious. What advice can there be for somebody enduring this kind of stress?
In all honesty, I cannot claim to have the answer to this question. I have no right to tell anybody in such a situation what to think, what to feel, or what to do.
What I can do, however, is to humbly offer a Torah perspective from which we should view all hardships in life.
The Gemara tells that just before Rabbenu Ha’kadosh (Rabbi Yehuda Ha’nasi, the redactor of the Mishnah) departed from this world, he lifted his hands up to the heavens and proclaimed, “I hereby profess that these ten fingers did not derive any benefit from this world whatsoever.”
One might have understood this declaration to mean that Rabbenu Ha’kadosh lived a life of poverty, bereft of physical comforts and pleasures, and he devoted himself entirely to spirituality. But this is not true. We know from other sources that Rabbenu Ha’kadosh was extraordinarily wealthy, and his table was always filled with a wide variety of delicious food. How, then, could he avow not having derived any pleasure from the world?
Rabbenu Ha’kadosh was saying that throughout his life, he recognized that he was put on this earth for a mission, for a purpose, and not to enjoy himself. Sure, he enjoyed wealth and material blessings, but he lived with a keen awareness that his fingers, all his capabilities, assets and talents, were given to him strictly so he could fulfill his unique mission. He recognized that the vast amount of money he had was granted to him for a purpose, not just so he could enjoy. Life is not about fun and games, but about responsibility and obligation.
We all hope and pray that our G-d-given mission on any given day will be easy and pleasant. But very often, it isn’t. G-d knows what we are capable of, and so He challenges us. When we find ourselves in a difficult and frightening situation in life, we should try, as hard as it is, to view the situation from this perspective. We should try lifting our hands to the heavens, as Rabbenu Ha’kadosh did, and say, “Hashem, I realize You put me here for a mission, and that my mission is not always easy.”
I know somebody who’s been enduring harsh financial straits for years. He has worked very hard, trying several different businesses, and nothing has worked. He literally has trouble coming up with money for food for his family, and he is deep in debt. I’ve spoken to him at length about his situation, and he once sent me an email laying out his perspective on his troubled life. He said that he walks around happy and content, because it is clear to him that Hashem wants him to experience financial hardship. As difficult as it is, there can be no denying that this is his mission. And he goes through his difficult life feeling grateful and gratified that G-d has selected him for this most challenging mission.
This fellow is not a Rabbi with a long beard and long coat. He is an ordinary, working man who has achieved an extraordinary level of emunah.
Feeling Grateful in Siberia
Rav Yechezkel Abramsky was an outstanding rabbinic leader in Russia, and once, the Communist government falsely charged him with conspiring against the authorities. He was convicted and sentenced to forced labor in Siberia. The Rabbi was made to chop wood the entire day from the early morning hours in -30-degree weather.
One morning, the prisoner who slept next to him mentioned that he noticed the Rabbi tossing and turning a lot during the night.
“You had a hard night, right?” he said. “What was troubling you, Rabbi? You were thinking about what else the guards are going to make us do?”
“No,” the Rabbi answered. “That’s not at all what I was thinking. I was saying to myself, ‘In the morning, I am going to say the words, מודה אני לפניך, thanking Hashem for restoring my soul after sleep and giving me another day. But what exactly am I thanking him for? What kind of life am I having, for which I should feel grateful when I wake up to a new day?’ Then I realized: I am fortunate to wake up to a new day even though my life is very difficult and challenging. I am fortunate to have faith in Hashem even under such harsh circumstances. This is something to be truly grateful for.”
We cannot expect to have this level of faith, to feel grateful to Hashem even in times of severe hardship. We can, however, try to reshape our perspective on life, recognizing that if we are alive, no matter what our circumstances are, this is because Hashem has a mission for us to accomplish, a mission assigned only to us and which only we can fulfill. This, itself, should serve as a source of comfort and solace, and as a major stress-reducer. We need to try to lift our hands to the heavens each day, and recognize that we are here for a purpose and a mission, and even when the mission is difficult, we are committed to fulfilling it to the best of our ability.