People approach me all the time asking for guidance in communicating with their kids. More often than not, they think they’re the only ones with this problem, but of course they’re not. I’ve spoken about this with hundreds upon hundreds of parents.
Why is this so hard? Why do so many of us have a hard time connecting with our kids?
The reason is because we learn about parenting from our parents. Virtually everything we know about raising kids comes from our experiences when we were raised. And this is a problem. No, this is not because our parents weren’t excellent parents. They were. The problem is that we were raised in the 1970s, 1980s or 1990s, and we are raising children in 2017. The world is much different now. Kids are growing up in a totally different way than they did back when we grew up, and so our parenting techniques need to change. Our goals must remain precisely the same, but the strategies that worked then won’t work now.
Here are ten rules for raising kids in 2017.
Rule 1: Be Open and Honest
If we want our kids to think we can understand them and relate to them, then we need to be honest about our faults. Speaking about how obedient we were as kids, or how diligent we were with our schoolwork, makes us irrelevant. If kids feel burdened by a parent’s model of perfection, they will give up. We need to be open and honest about how we’ve struggled, about how we so often make mistakes, about how regret thing we’ve done, about how we got in trouble in school, and about how even today we make bad decisions. When we were growing up, we were to see our parents as infallible and respect them. In today’s world, this doesn’t work. We must be open with our kids about our anxieties, our insecurities and our faults, so that they feel they can relate to us.
Rule 2: Never Punish Honesty
Kids will be honest and open with us if we encourage openness and honesty. If a child gets punished for admitting what he did wrong – no matter how serious an offense it was – he will forever be afraid to be honest with us about his mistakes. We want our 20-year-olds to tell us when they are in trouble; this will happen only if they get the message early on that we appreciate and respect their honesty, and never turn it against them.
The Gemara tells that in the future, when the Jewish People sin, G-d will turn to all three of our avot (patriarchs) and ask them what to do. Yitzhak will be the only one to defend the Jewish People and insist that G-d forgive us. The reason is because Yitzhak had a wayward son – Esav – and he loved him dearly. He was patient and willing to work with Esav, so he will urge G-d to be patient and work with Am Yisrael. We, too, need to be patient with our children when they fail, and this will encourage them to seek our help when they fail in the future.
Rule 3: Be Ready to Talk When They Are
The Gemara teaches that the coin Avraham Avinu used had the picture of an aged couple on one side, and a picture of youngsters on the other. My son-in-law suggested that this coin alludes to the fact that kids turn into adults so quickly, as though with the flip of a coin.
When they are interested in talking, we must be ready. We cannot squander any opportunity to communicate with our children, because these opportunities do not come around often, and before we know it, it will be too late. No matter how tired or busy we are – when they’re ready, we have to be ready.
Rule 4: Get Rid of the Phone!!
Get rid of the phone. Get rid of the phone. Get rid of the phone.
When we speak with a child, we do not have a phone in our hand. Unless our job depends on a call or email, there is absolutely no excuse for checking our phone when we speak to a child.
The Torah tells us almost nothing about the life of Yitzhak and Rivka other than the stories involving their children, Yaakov and Esav. This was their job – to raise their children – and this is our most important job, as well. Nothing else is important when we speak to our kids.
Rule 5: Find Fun Things in Common
The Torah says that Yitzhak loved Esav כי ציד בפיו – because Esav hunted and brought him food. Strange as it might sound, Yitzhak, our holy, righteous patriarch, was “into” meat. He saw that this is what Esav liked – hunting and preparing meat – so he got into it, too.
In order to build a relationship with our children, we need to have common interests. We need to find something that our children are interested in that we can connect with. Whether it’s a sports team or a hobby like art or music, we need to find some common ground with each and every kid.
Rule 6: Stop Talking About Yourself
When Rivka was experiencing a difficult pregnancy, she cried, למה זה אנוכי – which can be read to mean, “Why is this happening to me?” She realized she had conceived with two boys – a righteous son, and an evil son. And so she asked, “Why me? Why do I deserve this? Why do I have an evil son?”
This is a mistake. Parents should never say – either explicitly or implicitly – “Why me? Why do I have to have a child like this? I was such a good kid, I was such a serious student. Why do I have to put up with this?” When we talk about ourselves and our experiences as kids, we sound old and irrelevant to our children’s lives.
Rule 7: Never Raise Your Voice
When a parent yells at a child, the child knows exactly what to do: yell back. One of today’s kids’ most natural talents is having shouting matches with their parents. But they have no idea how to handle a parent who stands his or her ground in a calm, composed fashion. A parent who remains calm during an argument commands respect and sounds smart and compelling. There are times when we need to be tough and even angry, but it is never, ever acceptable to raise our voices at our children.
Rule 8: Don’t Get Insulted
Yitzhak was convinced that his blessing should be given to Esav. But once he realized he was wrong, he recognized his mistake and confirmed the blessing which he had inadvertently given to Yaakov. He didn’t feel hurt or insulted, and didn’t insist that he was right.
As parents, we need to remember that we are the adults. Hashem gave us children because we are supposed to be mature enough not to take seriously all the nonsense spewed from the mouth of a 12-year-old. We should never feel hurt or offended by what our kids say. They don’t mean 95 percent of the insults they hurl at us when they’re angry. They’re just acting like kids, and we need to act like adults.
Rule 9: Make Them Food
This might sound silly, but it is actually very serious, and very important. The best way to connect with a child is over food. When Yitzhak wanted to bless Esav, he asked him to prepare food and bring it to him. If we want to talk with a kid, we should invite that kid to the table for some food, or take him or her out to eat.
Rule 10: Give Compliments
Kids crave compliments and praise. We should always be on the lookout for random opportunities to compliment our kids. Texting is a great way to give a compliment or kind word at any time of day. The more we make our children feel good about themselves, the more comfortable they will feel being with us and opening up to us.
Never before has parenting been such a challenge. In today’s world, our kids are doing so many things that we do not know about it, and so it is especially important to keep open lines of communication. With these strategies, we will, please G-d, succeed in overcoming the difficult challenges of 21st-century parenting, and build meaningful and happy relationshipss with our children which will last forever, amen.