The Chronic Complainer
It might be somebody in your family – a child, a parent, your spouse, or a sister-in-law. It might be a friend or neighbor. Perhaps it’s a coworker. We all know at least one, and most of us know many more than one. It might even be you.
We are talking about the chronic complainer, the person who is always whining about something. Our goal here is to first try to understand them, and then proceed to figure out the best way to deal with them – whether it’s somebody in our immediate circle, or if it’s us.
Real Problems
Most chronic complainers share certain characteristics, and it is worthwhile to understand these characteristics so we can have a clearer sense of what is going through the person’s mind when he complains, which will help us respond appropriately.
First, more often than not, chronic complainers complain about real problems. Their complaints don’t come out of thin air. They complain because they are truly, and justifiably, troubled by something. It could be their finances, the weather, an annoying family member, their health, problems with their children, or any of the other familiar kinds of challenges that many of us often face. Most of the time, there is a reason why they complain.
In Parashat Hukat, we read the story of Meh Merivah, when Beneh Yisrael complained to Moshe about the lack of water. For nearly forty years they received water from a miraculous well that accompanied them in the merit of Miriam, Moshe Rabbenu’s sister. After Miriam’s death, the water stopped flowing. The people complained bitterly to Moshe, and G-d instructed Moshe to assemble the people and produce water by speaking to a rock. As we know, Moshe disobeyed G-d’s command, for which he was punished by not being allowed to enter Eretz Yisrael.
In other situations where Beneh Yisrael complained in the desert, they were severely punished. At the sin of the spies, for example, after the people heard the spies’ frightening report about the Land of Israel and wept, complaining about the land, G-d decreed that the entire generation would perish in the wilderness. At Meh Merivah, however, G-d did not punish the people at all, or even express any degree of anger. The people complained that they did not have water, and G-d responded very simply, by instructing Moshe to produce water. The reason is that here there was a legitimate basis for their complaints – they did not have water. At the sin of the spies, the people were complaining about the great gift of Eretz Yisrael. At Meh Merivah, however, they were complaining about a legitimate problem, that they did not have any water.
This is the first thing we need to know about chronic complainers: most of the time, they have a real problem which they complain about, and we ought to acknowledge that problem.
They Keep On Going
Another typical characteristic of chronic complainers is that they don’t stop. They have a need to complain, and so they’ll complain at all times and to anybody who will listen.
In the Torah’s account of Beneh Yisrael’s complaint for water, it first says that they “gathered around Moshe and Aharon,” and then that they fought with Moshe, asking him why he took them from Egypt to bring them to a place without water. It is unclear who exactly the people fought with – Moshe or Aharon. Strangely, both are mentioned in the first verse, but then only Moshe is mentioned in the second. Why?
The answer is that the address for their complaint was Moshe, the leader who brought them out of Egypt and who was responsible for caring for their needs, but they complained also to Aharon. A complainer will bring his complaints to anybody willing to listen. It makes no difference whether that person is in a position to help or not. They just need a pair of ears.
A certain writer once said, “Complainers change their complaints, but they never reduce the amount of time they complain.”
Moreover, chronic complainers generally do not realize that they always complain, and they also fail to realize that their complaints have not helped them. Beneh Yisrael complain numerous times throughout their years of traveling through the wilderness, and on many of those occasions, as we’ve mentioned, they were severely punished. Their complaining did nothing to improve their condition, and to the contrary, it only made their situation worse. Nevertheless, they kept complaining. People in the habit of complaining seem unable to stop, oblivious to the fact that their complaints do not help them.
Empathy vs. Sympathy
How, then, should we react to the chronic complainers in our lives?
The first step is listening. We should silently listen to and acknowledge their complaints.
Listening is the most effective form of communication. The most important key to a happy marriage is to listen attentively to one’s spouse. The most important key to effective parenting is to listen attentively to one’s children when they speak. And this is true of all relationships. If a person complains, we should patiently listen.
But then comes the second stage, which is to ignore the complaint. Completely.
There is a critical difference between two similar English words: empathy and sympathy. Empathy means understanding another person, and making that person feel he is understood. Sympathy means emotional involvement, feeling another person’s pain as one’s own. In the case of a chronic complainer, we need to empathize without sympathizing. We have to listen attentively, but then move on.
The reason is not because we are indifferent to other people’s problems, Heaven forbid, but rather because the atmosphere created by a chronic complainer is toxic. If we get emotionally invested in the complaints, then we are affected and infected by this poisonous atmosphere of negativity.
I know this from firsthand experience. There are times when I sit and listen to somebody complaining, and an hour later I’m still in a bad mood. If we don’t “switch it off,” then we will be plagued by the person’s chronic negativity.
The commentators give many different theories to explain what exactly Moshe did wrong at Meh Merivah. But the common thread that runs through all the various explanations is that Moshe allowed the people’s complaining to get to him. Whether his sin was hitting the rock instead of speaking, inappropriately chiding the people, getting angry, or striking the rock twice instead of once, it seems that Moshe, for the first time in forty years, reacted emotionally to the people’s complaints. He took the complaints personally and acted upon his emotions, however slightly. And for somebody on his level, this was considered a sin.
When we hear chronic complainers, we need to protect ourselves from the toxic atmosphere they create. We should listen attentively and empathetically, but leave our emotions out of it.
Advice for the Complainer
Let us now turn our attention to what is perhaps the most difficult question of all. What if that complainer is us? What if we are that person who always whines? What can we do to overcome this harmful tendency?
To answer this question, I would like to propose a novel, earth-shattering technique to reduce complaining. And that is, we should do one of the following: either solve the problem, or don’t.
This might sound offensively obvious, but it really isn’t any more complicated than that. When we find ourselves complaining about a problem – and, as we said, most of the times we complain, we complain about a real problem – we should make a decision: either we decide to solve the problem, or we decide we cannot solve the problem.
Why do we complain so much? It is the yetzer ha’ra’s way of preventing us from being productive. Life is all about solving problems, but solving problems is difficult and requires effort. The yetzer ha’ra therefore lures us to just sit and complain about our problems, which is far easier and less demanding than actually getting up and trying to solve them. And so if we find ourselves complaining and poisoning the atmosphere around us, we need to recognize this clever trick of the yetzer ha’ra and make a concrete decision: either we solve the problem, or we accept the problem.
Problems are ether walls or doors. Either a problem can be solved, or it can’t. When we face any sort of problem, these are the only two possibilities, and we need to decide one or the other. If this is a problem which we can solve, then let’s solve it. And if it is a problem that we cannot solve, then let us accept the fact that life is not perfect, is not meant to be perfect, and will never be perfect, and just move on.
We cannot change the weather, but we can dress appropriately, adjust the thermostat, or change our plans when necessary. We cannot dictate foreign policy, but we can recite Tehillim each day for the Jews of Eretz Yisrael and pray for their wellbeing. It’s that simple: we should solve what we can, and accept what we cannot.
As somebody once put it, “If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.” It’s the yetzer ha’ra that leads us to complain so that the problem will never get solved.
If we have a chronic complainer in our life – and who doesn’t? – then we should listen respectfully to his complaints, and then move on. If we are the chronic complainer in our life, then let’s stop complaining and make the firm decision to change what we can, and accept what we can’t.