Before Yaakov’s dreaded meeting with his brother, Esav, who hated him and wanted to kill him, Yaakov sent a very large gift as a sort of bribe, in an attempt to pacify Esav.
When they finally met, Esav was friendly, and embraced Yaakov. He then declined the gift, saying אחי, יה לך אשר לך – “My brother, you should have that which is yours” (33:9).
Onkelos, the Aramaic translation of the Humash, translates the words יהי לך אשר לך as, אצלח בדילך – “Be successful with what you have.”
Although these are the words of Esav, a wicked man, they express a profound and vitally important lesson. Success comes from בדילך – from that which we have, not that which we don’t have, or what others have. In order to be successful, accomplished and happy, we need to focus on what we have, as the Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot famously teaches us, איזהו עשיר, השמח בחלקו – “Who is wealthy? One who is content with his lot.”
How do we achieve this quality? How can we learn to feel content and happy בדילך – with what we have?
The single most important key to attaining this quality is something which, in my view, is probably the most precious gift a person can have, and that is: indifference.
By this I mean the ability to not care. Normally, when we are in an argument or a fight, we feel there are only two possibilities: to agree with the other person, or to disagree with the other person. But we need to remember that there is also a third possibility: to not care. And very often, this is the best and smartest option.
If we are convinced that the other person is wrong, it’s ok to just forget about it. We can just go home and do what we need to do even though that person, in our opinion, has the wrong idea about things.
The gift of indifference is so valuable. It means not caring if the neighbors are expanding their house, buying a new luxury car, going on a luxury vacation, or making a lavish affair. These things don’t have to upset us. They upset us only if we care. But we can be indifferent. We can tell ourselves that this does not matter to us at all. We can be just as happy now as we were before we heard about what the neighbors are doing.
We don’t have to care if a friend or relative didn’t show up, or showed up late. We can be indifferent. We can tell ourselves that it really does not affect us, and that way we won’t be upset.
The Rabbis refer to the yetzer ha’ra (evil inclination) as the שאור שבעיסה – “the yeast in the batter.” Yeast has the effect of expanding the dough, making it much larger. This is what the yetzer ha’ra does – it makes small, trivial matters into very big matters. It makes things that don’t mean all that much into a very big deal.
We battle the yetzer ha’ra through the gift of indifference, by telling ourselves, “I DON’T CARE.” By saying, “I’m not going to turn this into something much bigger than it is.”
Through indifference, we can experience אצלח בדילך, the success and joy that comes from appreciating what we have and feeling content.