I’ve noticed over the years that smart people are not necessarily happier than simpleminded people. In many instances, being smart actually makes happiness more difficult to achieve.
Sometimes, smart people retain so much information, and analyze it all so thoroughly, that their minds are cluttered. They’re too busy thinking things through to relax and enjoy. People with less information and less of a tendency to overanalyze can stay focused on the more important things in life so they achieve their goals and experience satisfaction.
Of course, it does not have to be this way. An intelligent, analytical person is not condemned to a life of misery. The key is to have clarity, to live with a clear perspective so we do not get distracted or upset by all the “stuff” that goes on in our lives which can so easily get us down.
Somebody once sent me a quote which they saw: “Life is a mind game.” Happiness depends not on what is going in our lives, but how our minds react to it. The key to living a happy life is to look at things the right way. Over the course of the day, lots of things are bound to go wrong. Whether it’s an insulting or annoying remark from a friend or family member, something that breaks, a traffic jam, a problem in the office, or any one of countless other things, we are going to hit numerous bumps along the road, whichever road we take on any given day. The important thing is not to try to avoid all bumps – which will never happen – but rather to have the clarity of mind which allows us to stay focused and view everything from the right perspective.
For most of us, getting stuck behind a garbage truck while driving through our neighborhood streets is a big headache. We get impatient, flustered and irritated being unable to reach our destination in a timely fashion. My wife, however, told me once that she looks at this situation from a much different perspective. When she is driving and gets stuck behind a garbage truck, she feels happy. She says to herself, “Thanks goodness we have garbage trucks. Just imagine what Brooklyn would look like if there were no garbage trucks!”
Here’s another example. Like in many homes, when I go upstairs in my house at around 7:30pm on a typical weekday night, I am likely to be met by the sight of a towel or two on the floor, toys spread all over the place, along with a pair of socks and an open knapsack. When I look at all this, I see a mess. Typically, I groan, thinking to myself, “Oh, what a disaster we have here.” But when my wife looks at this, she doesn’t see a mess. Towels on the floor mean that children are bathed and nearly ready for bed. An open knapsack on the floor means that a kid completed his homework. Toys spread out on the floor mean that the children did what children are supposed to do – play and have fun – and that they likely had friends or cousins over to play with.
Two people look at the same thing, but see two completely different situations. One sees a mess, a headache, something else to deal with, but another sees something beautiful, a blessing, something to be grateful for. The difference is enormous.
This is the power of clarity, of staying focused. Most of us – myself included – are unable to see beyond the annoyance of the moment, the inconvenience of a short errand taking three times longer than it should because of the truck. My wife, however, stays focused on the important aspect of this scenario – that our neighborhood is being kept clean. And this clarity of mind is vital to living a happy life.
Mindfulness and אשר יצר
Somebody once sent me an article that appeared on a non-Jewish website on the subject of mindfulness. It discusses at length how in today’s day and age, we frequently overlook and miss out on the simple pleasures of life, as we become distracted by peripheral, petty concerns that cause us anxiety that prevents us from enjoying and appreciating all that there is to enjoy and appreciate about life. In the midst of this article, the author marvels at the ancient Jewish practice to spend a few moments after leaving the restroom reciting a blessing thanking the Almighty for the wonders of the human body. The article proceeds to cite the entire text of אשר יצר in English translation. The author points to this blessing as a perfect example of mindfulness, of focusing on the beauty and majesty of life.
The truth is, this awareness is achieved not only through the recitation of אשר יצר, but through all our berachot and prayers recited each day. Halachah requires us to pray three times a day, and to recite berachot on numerous occasions, mainly before and after we eat. These prayers and blessings have the effect of helping to keep us focused on our good fortune, on our relationship with Hashem, so that we don’t get bogged down by all the “bumps along the road” that we hit over the course of the day. Daily life is filled with ups and downs, and there are so many things that can and do go wrong. Our prayers and berachot, if recited properly, can help us retain our clarity and stay focused on what’s truly important, on what really matters, so that all the little and not-so-little mishaps that we experience during the day are kept in proper perspective, and we remain happy and fulfilled even as we struggle to overcome our daily challenges.
Rivkah’s Clarity and Esav’s Fatigue
Parashat Toldot begins with the story of Rivkah’s difficult pregnancy. The Torah tells that she conceived with twins, and the two babies moved frantically inside the womb. Rivkah did not understand what was happening, and so she went to two great prophets who lived at that time, Shem and Ever. They explained to her that she was pregnant with two boys, who would produce two very different nations that would constantly struggle against one another. Their history would resemble a see-saw, with each nation rising only when the other declines.
Interestingly, it seems that Rivkah’s mind was settled after receiving this information. After having been so disturbed that she asked, אם כן למה זה אנכי – wondering why she was even alive if she needed to endure this hardship – she was now calm and composed. She was no longer troubled by her pregnancy, now that she understood what was happening.
The information Rivkah received did not make the pain go away, or even subside. What it did accomplish, however, is give her clarity. Once she understood what her role was – to raise two children who would produce two large, competing nations – she was able to handle the hardship.
Although we do not have access to prophecy as a source of clarity, we have something almost as good – emunah. When we firmly believe that everything Hashem does is good, and every situation we confront is an opportunity sent to us by Hashem, it becomes so much easier to handle. As long as we remain focused on this belief, instead of focusing on the difficulty involved, we can maintain our composure, overcome the challenge, and make it a meaningful experience.
Several verses later, we see somebody who lived life without this sense of clarity, who focused entirely on the rigors and hardships without seeing the purpose behind it all. The Torah says that Esav came into the home from the field והוא עייף – weary and famished. On a simple level, this refers to physical fatigue, which Esav undoubtedly experienced after spending the day hunting in the woods, and which prompted him to ask Yaakov to share with him the stew he was preparing. But on a deeper level, והוא עייף refers to emotional wear-and-tear. When we live like Esav, without emunah, without being mindful of the higher purpose of it all, then we are so easily flustered, frustrated, aggravated and fed up. It is when we live with our minds focused on what’s truly meaningful that we remain energized and happy even as we deal with the rigors of day-to-day life. If we don’t live this way, then we end up like Esav – עייף, frustrated and weary.
When the Cops Pull You Over
A beautiful example of how this kind of clarity can be put into action is a story told to me by a wonderful young man in the community.
He told me that one morning he was driving into the city with a friend, and he passed by a police car and noticed the cop looking right at him. This boy was not wearing his seatbelt, and he realized that he’d been caught. Sure enough, after just a few minutes, he heard the siren, and the cop pulled him over. The cop came over, asked for his license and registration, and returned to the police car as this young man sat there, waiting.
“If this would have happened to me last year,” the young man told me, “I know how I would have reacted. I would have been shouting obscenities while banging on the dashboard, cursing out those horrible policemen for doing their job. I would have been flustered, angry, and enraged. But I’ve been reading books and attending classes about emunah. And so I sat there and said, ‘Thank you, Hashem, for pulling me over.’ I knew with certainty that this cop was Hashem’s messenger, and that Hashem wanted me to learn something from this experience. This made me feel grateful, instead of mad. The person with me in the car couldn’t believe I was so calm. I explained to him that I knew this was all from Hashem, and so I accepted it happily. At first he thought I was crazy, but eventually he caught on.”
This story had a very unlikely ending, as the policeman returned and told the young man, “I have never seen anything like this before. You have the same name and birthday as me.” He let him go without ticketing him.
The young man made a voice note about his experience and sent it to his parents. They sent it to the other family members, and one of them sent it to a friend. An hour later, that friend wrote back, saying that she listened to the recording as she sat on the side of the road after an accident.
“I had been losing my mind,” she said, “until I listened to this. This helped me stay calm, focused and grateful that I am alive and well.”
What a difference the clarity of emunah makes in our lives! It transforms the feeling of עייף, of fatigue and lethargy, to energy and enthusiasm. And it takes the feeling of למה זה אנכי, of wondering why we have to put up with everything, into a feeling of serenity and real happiness.
One of the gravest mistakes we make is assuming that our reactions are automatic, that our experiences trigger an emotional response on their own, and there is nothing we can do about it. If we feel upset, aggravated, frustrated or nervous, we tend to assume, it is because of our circumstances, over which we have no control. This is a terrible mistake. Our emotional responses depend entirely on the “glasses” through which we see our experiences. If we have clarity, then we see everything as positive, as an important and valuable part of the journey of life, and so the daily bumps don’t get us down. Even if we get a ticket, our car is towed, we get a call from the principal’s office, or we lose an important customer, we can have a great day, because we view it all with the clarity of emunah.
לא נבוש כי בך בטחנו
This clarity also helps us handle the frustration that we so often experience in our dealings with other people.
I distinctly recall one morning when I woke up and got going in the morning in an especially good mood. I had a particularly productive evening the day before, and I woke up with a good feeling about the day ahead. But then, at about 10am, I happened to see somebody I know, who made an insulting comment about something I had said or done. This remark was like a pin popping a balloon. I was full of positive energy one moment, and then completely deflated the next. It took me a good part of the day to get over it.
Our Sages described this world as “a hallway to the world to come.” We go through this world working to earn our share in the next world. The problem is, we are far from the only ones in this “hallway.” Millions of other people are walking through this corridor together with us, and quite often, they make our journey complicated and uncomfortable. It is so easy to get discouraged and upset by what the people around us say or do. Whether it’s a snide comment, getting cut off on the highway, or a chronic complainer, there are people in our lives who annoy us. We all have some people around us who make us angry, jealous, unhappy, anxious or insecure. That’s just how it is.
The clarity of emunah helps us overcome these daily annoyances. Like the policeman who pulls us over, every person in our lives is sent for a purpose. Dealing with difficult or unpleasant people is part of the journey, part of the lifelong process of growth that we undergo as we work to earn our share in the eternal world.
We pray each morning in shaharit, לעולם לא נבוש כי בך בטחנו – “We shall never be ashamed, because we have trusted in You.” Bitahon, placing our faith in Hashem, helps us avoid shame and humiliation. A person with faith is not as sensitive or fragile, because his mind is focused on his mission in this world, and is always mindful of the fact that everything that happens is from Hashem. A person with faith lives with clarity and focus that allows him to put the daily annoyances in perspective, and so he is not rattled by an offensive or embarrassing comment.
Refusing to Move
The Gemara (Bava Metzia 75b) teaches that there are some people who צועקין ואינן נענין – “cry but are not answered.” These are people who placed themselves in difficult situations, and thus do not generally receive pity when they cry for help. One example is somebody who lends money without witnesses. Having granted a loan without legal protection, he will not receive much pity when he later cannot get his money. But of particular interest to us here is another person on the Gemara’s list: somebody “for whom things are bad in this city, and does not go to a different city.” If a person has the opportunity to leave an adverse situation, but chooses to remain, he cannot expect too much empathy. If he is not making the effort to help himself, people will not have compassion for him.
I believe the Gemara speaks here not just of an actual move from one town to another, but also of a change in mindset. For so many of us, our unhappiness stems from our mindset, our perception, the way we look at things. We focus on the negative instead of the positive, and think only of the struggles of life, instead of the blessings of life. We see only the mess, but not the beautiful children that made the mess.
We have the ability to “move,” to put on different glasses, to see our lives from a fresh, clear perspective, from the perspective of emunah. When we find ourselves upset and aggravated, we can stop for ten minutes, pull out a Tehillim with translation, read the words and absorb their messages. If we go to bed anxious and fearful about the meeting or court case we have the next day, we can recite the bedtime Shema with extra concentration and feeling. Halachah structures our day for us so we can retain our clarity even when life gets complicated and challenging. We don’t have to be stuck in our “city,” in our mindset. We have so many opportunities to “move,” to make our lives better by viewing them with the clarity of emunah.
A healthy mind leads us to a healthy life. We cannot always change the circumstances around us, but we can always change the way we see them. Indeed, as the saying goes, “life is a mind game,” and when we win that game, our lives become truly beautiful.