A professor in the 1960s once conducted a fascinating sociological experiment. He and his team went around to homes in a certain neighborhood asking the residents if they would mind hanging a large, unsightly sign on their lawns that said “Drive Carefully,” as part of a communal effort to reduce traffic accidents. As expected, very few residents agreed. After all, the signs would be a terrible eyesore in what was otherwise beautiful and professionally landscaped front lawns. Only 17 percent of the families approached gave their consent.
The researchers then went to a different town with small cards that read “Drive Carefully.” They asked the people in this neighborhood if they minded putting the signs by their front windows. These signs were far less conspicuous, though still noticeable, and so the vast majority of the residents happily agreed. Two weeks later, the researchers returned to these homes and asked if they would mind replacing the small cards with the large, unsightly signs which would be placed on the front lawns in order to draw greater attention to the cause. Remarkably, a majority of the people agreed. Whereas in the first neighborhood, where the people were not first asked to place small signs in the windows, only 17 percent of the people agreed to put large signs on their lawns, in this neighborhood, the majority was willing to do it.
The third stage of this experiment involved going to a different neighborhood and asking residents to sign a petition declaring their concern for the environment. Virtually everyone who was approached agreed to sign the petition without any hesitation. Two weeks later, the researchers returned and asked these people who signed if they would mind placing the large “Drive Safely” sign on their front lawns. As in the previous case, the majority of the people agreed.
This eye-opening experiment confirmed the importance of self-identity in people’s behavior. What was the difference between the people in the first neighborhood and the people in the other two neighborhoods? The people in the other two neighborhoods had previously identified themselves as people who care, as concerned citizens. Once they forged this identity, they were more open to the possibility of placing an unsightly sign on their laws to call upon motorists to drive safely.
The way we identify ourselves impacts every decision we make. We are all capable of great things, but we won’t necessarily be moved to accomplish them until we identify ourselves as people who do those kinds of things.
Which brings us to the stories of Avraham Avinu.
Bringing Our Potential to the Fore
Perhaps the most prominent feature of Avraham Avinu’s life is the concept of נסיון – “test.” As the Sages teach us in Pirkeh Avot, Avraham Avinu was given ten very difficult tests, and he passed each one. What is a test? Why does G-d test a person? Doesn’t G-d know who a person is, his level of devotion and commitment? A teacher needs to test the students to determine the extent to which they mastered the material. But G-d knows everything. Why does He need to give us tests?
The Ramban explains that a נסיון is needed not for Hashem, but for the person. Every person has vast amounts of potential within him, but very often, this potential is not realized until the person is tested. Tests allow us to recognize the wealth of potential that we have that we would otherwise be entirely unaware of. Once a person is tested and overcomes the challenge, he sees himself differently. His self-identity changes. He gives himself a new label. He defines himself anew. He now identifies as somebody who is capable of great things. This is the power of a נסיון.
When somebody’s family member or close friend suddenly finds himself in a desperate situation and needs a great deal of help, and the person heroically and selflessly comes to that person’s assistance, the person starts seeing himself differently. He has unearthed a treasure of selflessness, of generosity, of love and concern that he never before knew existed. And once this happens, he will be able to accomplish things which he would otherwise have never realized he was able to accomplish.
This concept sheds light on the special importance of one of Avraham’s earliest tests – the test with which Parashat Lech-Lecha begins: לך-לך מארצך וממולדתך ומבית אביך אל הארץ אשר אראך – “Go forth from your land, from your birthplace, and from your father’s home, to the land which I will show you.” Many people decide to move far away from their parents’ home, and this is not considered an especially significant test. But in Avraham’s case, he was told to do something even greater – to change his identity. Hashem recognized Avraham’s unique potential, and so He instructed Avraham to leave behind everything and go become something new. In order for him to become the person he was capable of becoming, he would need to identify himself differently, to see himself as the founder and patriarch of a great nation that would fulfill a unique role for all eternity. Once he assumed this identity, his great potential could begin to materialize, and he could become someone even greater than he already was.
The effects of identity work in the opposite direction, as well.
Later in the parashah, we read of the conflict that arose between Avraham’s shepherds and those of his nephew, Lot, who had accompanied him along his journeys. Avraham realized that the only solution was for them to separate, and so he turned to Lot and offered to separate in whichever way he preferred: “If to the left – then I will go right; if to the right – then I will go left.” Lot, unfortunately, chose to relocate in the city of Sedom, whose population was corrupt and sinful. As the commentators explain, this was not merely a geographical move. The moment Lot took leave of his uncle, he changed his identity. He made a conscious and ill-fated decision to identify himself as a resident of Sedom. And once this happened, he steadily lost his commitment to Avraham Avinu’s values and beliefs.
Youth and the Struggle for Self-Identity
The notion of self-identity is critically important in parenting. We must do what we can to ensure that our children identify themselves the right way. For example, already at a young age, boys should wear a kippah and tzitzit, as this identifies them as kids who are committed to mitzvot. I know parents who decided to switch their children to public school and were then stunned to see how quickly the children stopped praying, wearing tefillin, and performing other mitzvot. What happens to these kids is that the change to a different school changes their self-identity, and this change affects virtually everything they do.
This is what makes the teenage years so difficult. Teenagers struggle mightily to figure out their identity, to find out who they are. A typical teen spends a great deal of time asking himself or herself, “Am I smart?” “Am I a serious student?” “Am I cool?” “Am I religious?” “Am I a nice person?” “Am I good-looking?” “Am I tough?” “Am I athletic?” “Am I serious learner?” “Am I popular?” “Which crowd am I part of?” “What kinds of friends should I have?” “Am I funny?” “Am I organized and responsible?” “Am I talented?” All these questions are questions of identity. This is the age when a person needs to figure out who he is and, more importantly, who he wants to be. And it can be very confusing. And, it’s emotionally draining. We adults have many struggles, but we have a basic idea of who we are and what our lives should look like. Our teenage kids don’t. They’re still trying to figure all this out. They’re struggling as they look around and see so many different models that they could choose to follow or not follow. This causes them an enormous amount of pressure, which helps explain why they so often seem exhausted, stressed out, moody and hypersensitive. The more we understand where they are coming from, the more patient and supportive we will be.
People invest so much time and emotional energy in trying to answer these kinds of questions because our identity affects everything in our lives. Without an identity, we feel lost. Our identity is our compass, as it tells us how to speak, act, dress and even think. Forging an identity is a critical need that we all have, and so this naturally occupies the minds of youngsters.
When Identities Clash
Understanding the role of identity in our lives can help explain one of the great mysteries of marriage. How is it possible that a young man and woman who seem so perfect for each other, so harmoniously bonded, when they get married end up struggling so much during the ensuing years? Why do two people who are so committed to one another, and who work together so perfectly, who share the same dreams and aspirations, end up struggling with conflicts and disagreements over the course of their marriage?
There are many reasons, but perhaps one of the most important reasons is that no two people have the precise same identity. For example, we all identify ourselves as “religious,” but as we know, there are numerous different kinds of “religious.” Even two families who attend the same synagogue and send their children to the same schools are not “religious” in precisely the same way. No matter how similar two people are, their identities are not going to completely mesh. They will always remain two different people with different identities. There are so many subtle nuances that combine to form a person’s identity, that it is impossible for any two people to share the precise same identity.
The Book of Shemuel II tells of a tense exchange between two great people – King David, and his wife, Michal. Michal was the daughter of the previous king, Shaul. This was, truly, a great match – a war hero (David) marrying the daughter of the king. But a conflict arose surrounding David’s conduct during the festive “parade” when the Aron (Ark) was brought to the new capital city, Yerushalayim. During the ceremony, music was played, and David danced with a great deal of fervor and emotion, clapping and jumping with immense joy. Michal saw the spectacle from her window, and was mortified.
When David returned home, Michal sharply criticized him, accusing him of humiliating himself. She found it unbecoming and inappropriate for the king of Israel to act this way, and told David that he embarrassed himself and the kingdom. David disagreed, and explained that for Hashem’s honor, it was appropriate to dance that way.
The Malbim explains what this argument was about. Shaul, in whose home Michal was raised, believed that the respect and honor of the king trumps all else; nothing is as important as maintaining the honor of the kingship. David, however, came from a different background. He agreed that a king must conduct himself with respect, but he felt that Hashem’s honor comes first. In his mind, it was worth compromising the honor of his kingship to give honor to Hashem.
This is very similar to what happens to many couples. For example, when a boy and girl are dating and engaged, they are, usually, both committed to neatness. They like things appearing tidy. But once they are married, the nuances start coming into play. Often, the husband likes things neat, but not at the expense of his business, his golf tournaments with his buddies, or his other priorities. For the wife, however, orderliness in the home is far more important. In other situations, both the husband and wife believe that praying three times a day is important, but with a difference: one feels that it’s important unless he or she wants to go out to dinner or his or her favorite team is playing, but the other thinks that it should be a top priority. Both identify themselves as “committed religious Jews,” but one also has an identity as “Yankee fan” or member of a certain social group, and that identity also needs to be considered when making decisions. No two people have the precise same identity or group of identities.
This is what happens during marriage – identities clash. This causes a great deal of resentment and hard feelings, because, as we have seen, few things are as important for a person than his identity. When spouses feel their identity is threatened, they instinctively rush to defend it. Their identity is their compass, their guide to everything in life, and so they need to protect it at all costs. And this is what so often creates tension in marriages. The husband and wife are creating a single unit, and this all but necessitates a struggle to see which identity will become the identity of that unit.
Selflessness
How do we solve this problem? What can a couple do to help their inevitably conflicting identities to work harmoniously together?
To answer this question, let us look at a different episode in Parashat Lech-Lecha.
We read towards the beginning of the parashah that soon after Avraham moves to Eretz Yisrael, he is forced to temporarily leave and settle in Egypt because of a famine. As Avraham and Sarah started making their way to Egypt, Avraham expressed to Sarah his fear that an Egyptian man might want to marry her, and that man might then kill Avraham to make her a widow and thus available for marriage. In order to protect themselves from this risk, Avraham suggested to Sarah that they pretend to be siblings, instead of a couple, and that way, although somebody might then take Sarah (as, in fact, ended up happening), Avraham would not be killed. Avraham asked Sarah that they do this “in order that I will benefit on your account, and my soul will live because of you” (למען ייטב לי בעבורך וחיתה נפשי בגללך). Rashi explains that the “benefit” Avraham speaks of is gifts. Indeed, Pharaoh ended up abducting Sarah, and gave Avraham lavish gifts.
This seems very strange. Was Avraham really interested in receiving gifts? Was this what was important to him?
The answer might be that we need to read this pasuk differently. Avraham was telling Sarah that once they go through this ordeal, he would live בגללך – for her. His entire life, everything he did, would be done on her behalf. And any benefit he would ever receive would be בעבורך – for her. He would not work just to benefit himself, but to benefit the two of them together. Any gift he ever received would be for her. In order words, Avraham was saying that this trying experience would have the effect of enhancing their relationship and raising their level of commitment to each other.
How do we get through the clash of identities that marriage invariably creates? The answer is בגללך and בעבורך – through selflessness, by living for one another, and not just for oneself.
I frequently tell young people when they are dating, and couples when they are engaged and newly married, that they should date selfishly, but then live selflessly after the wedding. When dating, people need to look for somebody who makes them happy, whom they can count on, who is genuinely committed to helping them, who will look out for them and whom they want to be with. But the moment a bride or groom walks down the aisle to the huppah, the mindset must switch to בגללך and בעבורך. From that point on, they live for one another. Once they marry, they must work to try to understand each other’s identity. Each needs to try to understand what it is the other person wants and needs. If they do this, then they can make the compromises necessary to balance the two identities so they can enjoy true happiness together.
Bringing Blessing to the Home
The Gemara in Masechet Bava Metzia teaches us:
לעולם יהא אדם זהיר בכבוד אשתו שאין ברכה מצויה בתוך ביתו של אדם אלא בשביל אשתו.
A person should always be careful with regard to his wife’s honor, because blessing is found inside a person’s home only because of his wife.
The Gemara proceeds to relate that Rava would tell the people in his town to treat their wives with respect, as this would bring them material prosperity.
As proof for this teaching, the Gemara cites a pasuk from the aforementioned story in Parashat Lech-Lecha: ולאברם היטיב בעבורה – “Avram benefitted because of her.” Just as Avraham’s “benefit” came because of Sarah, similarly, all benefit a person receives is because of his wife.
At first glance, the Gemara’s comment seems very difficult to understand. How does the story of Avraham and Sarah prove that blessing always comes on account of one’s wife? That was an exceptional circumstance – Sarah was abducted by the king, who thought she was Avraham’s sister, and thus Avraham was given riches as a new member of the royal family. How does this prove anything about an ordinary marriage?
The answer becomes clear in light of our discussion above. Avraham pledged to Sarah that any benefit he would ever receive would be בעבורה – for her. He proclaimed his commitment to looking out for her needs and wishes as much as he looked out for his own needs and wishes. And this is what brings blessing to the home. When a couple lives with this quality of בעבורך and בגללך, always considering the other spouse’s identity, and seeking to fulfill each other’s wishes, they enjoy great blessing.
When the Hafetz Haim was 17 years old, his father died and his mother remarried. Her new husband had a daughter, and he was concerned that she might not find a suitable match. He came up with the idea that perhaps she could marry her stepbrother – the Hafetz Haim. This was a very unusual match, as they were stepsiblings, and the girl was considerably older than the boy. The Hafetz Haim’s mother called him back from yeshiva, and presented him with the idea. He agreed, and they got engaged.
The next day, the Hafetz Haim traveled back to yeshiva, planning to continue learning until the wedding. When he arrived, he told his friends about his engagement.
“Are you out of your mind?!” they all said to him. He had earned a reputation for his brilliance and sterling character. Without doubt, he could have found a girl from a wealthy family whose father could support him for the rest of his life so he could become a leading Torah sage. Why would he settle for a girl that was older than him and whose father could not support him?
“Maybe you’re right,” the Hafetz Haim said.
He decided to go back home and tell his mother and her husband that he changed his mind. On the way home, he happened to see a frightening scene. A man suffered an epileptic seizure, and he was on the ground with a crowd of people all around him.
“That poor fellow,” the Hafetz Haim thought to himself. “It must be so embarrassing to have this happen!”
He then realized something. If he called off his engagement, the girl would be very embarrassed – all because of him. He was not prepared to cause another person embarrassment. He changed his mind, returned to yeshiva, and eventually married this young woman.
As we know, the Hafetz Haim did not suffer at all for his decision. He continued learning and became one of the most important Torah figures in the last several centuries.
We can only imagine how his wife felt knowing that the Hafetz Haim was so unconditionally committed to her. She lived with the lifelong trust that her husband always put her wishes and concerns first, ahead of his own. And this, no doubt, brought great blessing to their home.
Our self-identity has great power, as it drives every decision we make, but it also poses a challenge, as it requires us to find a way to balance our own identity with those of the people around us. The secret lies in selfless devotion and sensitivity, in living with genuine concern for other people, recognizing that their wishes and needs might differ drastically from our own. If we are able to do that, then we will fill our homes and our lives with true blessing.