The Rambam, in one place in his writings, discusses the proper attitude we are supposed to have to things which the Torah forbids us to do. When a person sees a cheeseburger, for example, he should not say, “Ugh! That’s revolting! Why would I ever want to eat such a thing?!”
Instead, the Rambam writes, a person should say, “Wow, that looks very tempting. I wish I could eat that. But I’m not going to, because Hashem said it’s forbidden.”
I believe that the Rambam here is teaching us something very important about emotions. He’s telling us that we should never feel ashamed of our feelings. We should never try not to feel. There is nothing wrong with desiring something forbidden. There is nothing wrong with feeling nervous, with feeling angry, with feeling frustrated, with feeling upset, with feeling confused, or with feeling depressed. All these emotions are perfectly normal. They’re part of being human. We should never feel guilty for experiencing these emotions. The Torah tells us how to act, how to live our lives. Feelings are perfectly legitimate.
People sometimes make the mistake of trying to tell others what to feel. When they know that somebody is going through tough time, in a sincere but misguided effort to help, they try to convince the person not to be so upset, not to worry, not to be so anxious, not to be angry, not to have whatever hard feeling they’re experiencing at that point. They might talk to them about emunah, about trusting in Hashem, about how everything is really good, about how Hashem will make sure everything turns out fine.
This is not necessarily helping. If we want to help somebody who is going through a difficult crisis, the most important thing we can do is let them feel whatever it is that they feel. To avoid judging their emotions, and to avoid telling them what their emotions should be.
In Parashat Mishpatim, the Torah discusses the situation of a poor person who needed to borrow money, and he gave his garment to the lender as collateral. The Torah commands the lender to return the garment each night, because the pauper needs it to keep him warm at night. If the lender does not return the garment at night, Hashem warns, then when the borrower cries out, ושמעתי כי חנון אני –
“I will listen, because I am merciful.” Hashem will hear the poor man’s cry, and punish the lender.
The Ramban explains that the lender might not find it necessary to return the garment to the borrower if the borrower is not a very good fellow. Hashem therefore says, ושמעתי כי חנון אני – He does not judge people who are in distress. If somebody cries out to Him in pain, Hashem listens to His cry, even if he is not such a great person.
This is a very powerful message for us regarding the proper approach to hesed, to dealing with people facing a loss, a crisis, or a problem. ושמעתי כי חנון אני. We need to listen to them without passing judgment, without telling them what to think or what to feel. If we want to be a helpful family member or friend, this is what we need to do – listen, without being critical and without assuming that we have the solution.
Extending this one step further, we should realize that virtually everyone is going through some kind of problem in their life. Of course, most of us like to hide it, and pretend that we have our lives all worked out and perfectly in order. But the vast majority of us are going through difficult challenges at any given time. Once we realize this, we will be far less critical and far less judgmental. We will be more open to giving people the benefit the doubt, and to feeling sympathy rather than resentment.
If we want to help people, the most important thing we need to do is to allow all people the right to feel what they feel, understand that everybody has difficulties of some kind, and listen attentively and sympathetically without passing judgment and without telling the person what he should be doing. ושמעתי כי חנון אני – we just need to listen and be merciful, just like Hashem.