Yaakov Avinu assembled his sons just before his death to give them each a blessing. When he addressed his first son, Reuven, Yaakov did not actually give a blessing – instead, he told Reuven that he could not be the leader, because פחז כמים, he was “rash like water,” too quick to get angry.
This refers to the story told earlier in Sefer Bereshit of how Reuven was angry at a decision his father made after Rachel’s death, and reacted inappropriately. Because of this incident, Reuven was deemed unfit for the role of leader.
Anger and leadership are incompatible. A person who angers easily cannot be a leader.
Another example is the story of the appointment of King David as ruler over the Jewish Nation. G-d told the prophet Shmuel to go to the home of Yishai, one of whose sons would be king. When Shmuel arrived, Yishai showed him his sons, and Shmuel looked at Eliav, the oldest, who had an impressive appearance, and figured he was chosen to be king. G-d told him that not only is he not the king, but “I have rejected him.” Rashi explains that Eliav was “rejected” because he was a כעסן – somebody who became angry very easily. Such a person cannot lead.
Why not?
Because leadership requires clarity of thought, and when we’re angry, we can’t think straight. To be a good leader, one has to make sound decisions about complex issues, and to come up with creative, out-of-the-box solutions to difficult problems. When a person is angry, it is all but impossible to think clearly enough to make good decisions and to come up with good solutions.
Everybody is a “leader” in some sense. Even those who hold no formal leadership positions must “lead” their household, their family. And, at very least, every person needs to “lead” himself or herself. This is why anger and aggravation are so destructive. In order to lead a productive life, we need to think clearly – and we can’t think clearly when we’re upset, when we’re aggravated.
So, what do we do? How do we avoid destructive aggravation so we can think clearly and live life the right way?
One solution is to anticipate aggravation. We have to know that aggravation is part of life. We can’t escape it.
Parents need to realize that raising children is fraught with aggravation. It’s SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY! If a parent is always agitated and angry at his or her children, this is likely because the parent doesn’t expect the troubles and complexities of childrearing. If we anticipate it, it won’t make us as upset.
Some people sit through city traffic calmly and peacefully, and others are impatient and irritable the whole time. Those who remain calm during traffic jams are the ones who anticipate it. They realize that when you drive from one point to another in a crowded city, it’s going to take time. They realize that there are traffic lights that sometimes turn red. And since they anticipate the traffic, it doesn’t upset them.
The second solution is to avoid overthinking.
Sometimes, when a spouse says the wrong thing, or does something wrong, the other spouse thinks about it too much. The minor incident grows in the other spouse’s mind into something much bigger and more important than it really is, unnecessarily causing a great deal of anger and aggravation.
When a boss snaps at the employee, the employee might start thinking to himself, “Oh, no, he doesn’t like me. I’m going to get fired. I’m not going to find another job. How am I going to support my family?” A minor incident gets transformed in his mind into a major crisis, causing crippling anxiety and aggravation.
In order to “lead” ourselves and our families, we need to try to avoid anger – and the way we do this is by anticipating aggravating moments, and by keeping a proper perspective on these moments when they unfold. If we can do this, then we will always be able to think clearly, make the best decisions in every situation, and live the productive, meaningful and fulfilling lives that we want to live.