I once sat with a couple that was struggling in their marriage and came to me for help. The core of the problem was that the wife did not get along with her mother-in-law (not an uncommon phenomenon…)
After speaking with them for a short while, it became clear to me that the wife did not feel her husband supported her. I turned to him and said that he needs to make it clear to his wife that he is behind her unconditionally.
The wife then said, “The truth is, I’m not even sure that he would choose me over his mother.”
The husband responded, “Why do I have to choose? Why can’t I have both? Why can’t I love my wife and my mother?”
This response might sound reasonable, but in my opinion, this was the COMPLETELY WRONG thing to say in that setting.
Of course, he is correct – a person should want to love and be devoted to his or her spouse as well as his or her parents. But the husband missed the point entirely.
His wife needed to hear him say that if it ever happened that such a choice had to be made, there was no question in his mind whatsoever that he would choose his wife. The husband needed to say that. Saying that does not mean that he wants to choose. It means that his wife is his top priority, above everything else in the world.
The same is true of Torah, as well.
The Mishna in Pirkeh Avot (6:10) tells that Rabbi Yossi ben Kisma was once offered an enormous fortune of money to leave his city – a city of Torah scholars – to go live somewhere else, a place where there was no Torah. He replied: “If you give me all the silver, gold, jewels and diamonds in the world, I will not live anywhere except a place of Torah!!!”
There is nothing wrong with money. There is nothing wrong with wealth. There is nothing wrong with comforts, luxuries, and vacations. But one thing has to be crystal clear in our minds: IF WE EVER NEED TO CHOOSE, WE CHOOSE TORAH. This must be our highest priority.
When we pray, we speak to Hashem. But when we learn, we hear Hashem speaking to us. And there is nothing more precious than that. Torah learning is life-changing. It uplifts, it inspires, it gives us direction and gives us meaning and purpose. After spending time learning, we are exhilarated. We are energized. There is nothing more valuable.
Our children need to know that this is our highest priority, that this is the most important thing to us.
Our children need to know that what matters to us more than anything else is that we and they learn Torah.
This is not to say that other things shouldn’t matter to us. A lot of things matter. But on our scale of priorities, NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN EVER BE HIGHER THAN TORAH!!!
It is told that President John F. Kennedy once bought an expensive Rolex for his daughter, Caroline.
The next day, when Caroline came back from school, her mother noticed that instead of the Rolex, she had on her wrist a simple, pink, little-kid watch.
“What happened to your watch?!!” she shouted.
“Don’t worry, Mom,” Caroline said. “My friend had this really pretty pink watch which I really liked, and she said we could trade.”
“WHAT?!!!?” her mother screamed. “You traded a Rolex for a $1 kids watch?!!?!”
Unfortunately, this is something we all do. We trade a “Rolex” – something beautiful and precious – for things of little value. We trade opportunities to learn, to hear Hashem speaking to us, to hear profound wisdom and teachings, for movies on Netflix, or for cute videos sent to us on WhatsApp. We trade the privilege of connecting with Hashem through the study of Torah, for vanity.
The holiday of Shavuot, when we celebrate Matan Torah, the time when we were given the Torah at Sinai, reminds us that Torah must be our very highest priority. It reminds us that although we might be interested in a lot of different things, and they may all be important and valuable, nothing is more valuable than Torah.
We hope never to have to choose between Torah and the other things in life which we enjoy and which are important to us. But if we ever do have to choose, the choice must be absolutely clear: Torah always comes first.