Yaakov starts a business, and with a lot of hard work and help from Hashem, it gradually grows and flourishes. After several years, by which time the business is very successful and he’s earning a lot of money, his younger brother, Moshe, needs to begin earning a living. Yaakov decides to help Moshe out and brings him in as partner.
The arrangement works well, and the business continues to prosper. After some time passes, Yaakov decides it’s time to allow himself to take it easy. He comes to the office late, leaves early, spends much of his time in the office tending to personal affairs, and goes on seven vacations a year. Naturally, the bulk of the work falls on Moshe, who ends up managing the business more or less singlehandedly. This goes on for ten years, until Moshe eventually decides he’s finished. Fed up with working like a dog while watching his brother earn the same amount of money doing a fraction of the work, Moshe informs Yaakov that he’s splitting off and forming his own business.
Yaakov is livid. “WHAT?!” he bellows. “How can you do that?!”
“I’m sick of tired of doing all the work and giving you half the money. I’m out!”
“What do you mean? I’m the one who built this business from scratch. I brought you in. If not for me, you’d be flipping burgers. Everything you have is because of me. And this is how you repay me?”
“That’s not the point. For a decade, I’ve been working from early in the morning until the evening keeping the business going, while you’ve been sitting around and relaxing. It’s not right. I deserve my own company.”
The fight snowballs, until it involves their wives and children and their other siblings. Soon enough, the two families are not speaking to one another, and do not even invite each other to their celebrations.
I made up this story, and I honestly have no idea whether this exact incident ever actually occurred. What I do know with absolute certainty, however, is that similar stories happen all the time throughout our community. I am personally aware, as I’m sure everyone else is, as well, of dozens of situations involving siblings embroiled in fierce disputes over money and business, tearing apart families and relationships, and causing a great deal of anguish, frustration and aggravation.
Let’s take another similar example.
David, a successful businessman, is approached by his father, who asks that he give his younger brother, Ikey, a position in his company. Ikey would soon be getting married and needed a job. David, who sincerely loves and cares for his little brother, happily agrees. He not only gives him a job, but he even ups the salary, agreeing to pay him $100,000 for a position that normally pays $75,000.
Ikey does his job well, to the point where he became the one holding up the business. David appreciates his work, and gladly raises his salary to $150,000.
As the years go by, Ikey’s family grows, and he now has a mortgage and tuition bills. Seeing that his $150,000 isn’t enough, he realizes he needs to take the next step. He informs David that he’s breaking off and starting his own enterprise.
“You can’t do that!” David shouts. “You’re the whole company. I brought you in when you had no experience, and even paid you a higher salary – and this is what you do to me? This is how you thank me – by jumping ship and leaving it to sink?”
“Look,” Ikey explains, “you’re making $2 million a year, earning a comfortable living, off my back. I need to make a better living. I need to make more than my salary. This is what I need to do.”
As in the previous story, Ikey’s split from the company creates a split in his family, as the two brothers no longer talk to one another.
It’s safe to assume that everyone in our community has either personally experienced, or is close to somebody who has personally experienced, something resembling these painful situations.
We’ll end our introduction with just one more example:
Esther and Linda, two sisters with their own families to care for, are both struggling financially, constantly juggling the bills. In an attempt to improve her situation, Esther decides to try her hand at a cupcake business. She launches a website and starts advertising her services baking and selling delicious cupcakes. She manages to attract a small customer base, but the enterprise does not really take off as she had hoped.
Meanwhile, her sister, Linda, happens to have a friend over one day who tells her of an event she is hosting in her home, and offers Linda $100 to bake cupcakes for the party. Linda happily agrees, and the cupcakes are a smashing hit among the guests. One guest is at the time preparing a sheva berachot, and so she contacts Linda after the event and hires her to make a large quantity of specially themed cupcakes. One thing leads to another, and before she knows what is happening, she has a significant business underway.
Esther phones Linda one day to complain that she is infringing upon her own business. Linda tries to explain that she never had any intention of taking away business from her sister, and that this all kind of just happened. People liked her products, and so the demand grew. As times goes on, Esther becomes furious at her sister, and the two are no longer on speaking terms.
Understanding Agendas
There is a Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot (2:3) which, at least according one commentator, gives us some insight into how to approach these and similar scenarios, providing us with a perspective that could help us avoid much of the friction and fighting that unfortunately plagues so many families.
The Mishnah presents us with the following warning:
הוו זהירין ברשות, שאין מקרבין לו לאדם אלא לצורך עצמן. נראין כאוהבין בשעת הנאתן, ואין עומדין לו לאדם בשעת דחקו.
Be wary of government, because they befriend a person only for their own needs. They appear as friends at the time when this benefits them, but they do not stand with a person in his time of distress.
On the surface, this Mishnah warns us about politicians. When candidates appear friendly and concerned about our needs, we must understand that they don’t really care about us. It is all about getting our votes. Their friendship is for their benefit, not for ours. It never surprises anybody anymore when a candidate makes promises during the campaign and then does just the opposite once he or she is elected. The goodwill they express is purely self-serving, aimed exclusively at furthering their own personal agenda. As the saying goes, “I feed my donkey so I can ride it.”
This statement might sound cynical, but it is the reality of the world. It was stated by Rabban Gamliel, the son of Rabbi Yehuda Ha’nasi, one of the greatest leadership figures in Jewish history, a towering sage who had close ties with the Roman government. We can imagine that Rabban Gamliel’s warning is the product of his family background, his firsthand knowledge of the unpleasant realities of politics and keen awareness of how political figures work.
However, one Rabbi, Rabbi Bentzion Brook, in his work Hegyoneh Mussar, explains that the message conveyed by Rabban Gamliel is one which relates not only to politics, but to life in general. The point being made is not only that politicians are driven by personal agendas, but that all people, virtually every single one of us, is driven by personal agendas.
This is not to say that we’re bad. It’s just the reality. The vast majority of the things we do over the course of the day is to fulfill our own needs and wishes. We tend to our homes, our livelihood, our children and our physical wellbeing, and we do things that we enjoy and that make us happy. This is how we spend our days, and this is what we focus the bulk of our attention on. If a woman invites company and spends an entire day preparing a large, scrumptious meal and elaborately setting the table, her motivation is to impress them and earn their admiration and gratitude. And there’s nothing wrong with that. This is perfectly natural. This is how life works. Each person has his or her agenda, his or her needs and wishes that he or she seeks to fulfill. We all want to feel happy, comfortable, content and fulfilled, and we all find ways to try to achieve that goal. This is life.
And this is the Mishnah’s warning to us. All people are, in a sense, politicians. We are all looking out mainly for our own interests. This does not mean we’re bad people. It means simply that we’re people, and that people have needs and desires that they need to fill.
Which brings us back to our stories of Yaakov and Moshe, David and Ikey, and Esther and Linda. Who’s right, and who’s wrong? I can picture myself sitting with each party in all three stories, and after hearing his or her side, being completely convinced that it is correct. And there is no contradiction. In all these stories, neither side is being dishonest, ungrateful or unethical. All the people involved are simply doing the normal, natural thing, which is to prioritize their own needs, their own interests to earn a stable, comfortable livelihood. That’s the lesson being taught to us by this Mishnah. Every single human being on this planet has needs and wishes that he or she seeks to fill, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We can speak all day about lofty concepts such as emunah, peace, selflessness and generosity, and these are all important and should be discussed, but when all is said and done, human beings have legitimate personal agendas, and this is a reality that we all need recognize.
Even Moshe and Miriam
This recognition is the first step towards easing tensions in situations such as the ones described above. Why?
Six times in the Torah, we are commanded to constantly remember certain events. These include seminal events such as the Exodus and Matan Torah, and fundamental religious concepts such as Shabbat (which reminds us that G-d created the world) and the manna (which reminds us that G-d provides us with our sustenance). One of these six commandments, however, seems somewhat unusual. In Sefer Devarim, the Torah commands us to remember the unfortunate story of Miriam, who was punished with tzara’at (a skin disorder resembling leprosy) for speaking inappropriately about her brother, Moshe Rabbenu. Miriam spoke about her brother’s marriage – just like many people speak of their siblings’ personal lives – and she was severely punished, in a very public way. She was forced to leave the camp, and the entire nation needed to wait for an entire week for her to be cured and return before resuming their journey to the Land of Israel.
Why are we commanded to remember this incident every day? What makes this story as important for religious life as events like Matan Torah?
There was likely never in the history of mankind a pair of siblings as righteous and devoted to one another as Moshe and Miriam. They worked hand-in-hand, in perfect harmony, with Moshe teaching the men and Miriam teaching the women. After the splitting of the sea, Moshe led the men in singing Az Yashir (the song of praise to Hashem), and Miriam led the women in singing the same song. They got along seamlessly, and were always on the same page. Yet, even they were not immune to strife. And how did it happen? By their not seeing things the same way. Without getting into the details of the story, Miriam saw Moshe’s decision vis-à-vis his marriage the wrong way. She knew the facts, but she interpreted them differently. And this led her to voice misplaced and inappropriate criticism of Moshe’s private life, for which she was severely punished.
This is something we vitally need to remember each day – that two people can see the exact same event, or the exact same set of circumstances, but interpret it in different ways. We all approach every circumstance with our own intuitive biases and preconceptions which lead us to drastically different perspectives on the exact same event.
I recall once seeing a video clip that showed the scene of an exquisitely-dressed, perfectly-groomed man carrying an expensive attaché case as he walked down the sidewalk, when suddenly a large, burly, disheveled man wearing a t-shirt and ripped jeans runs to him and shoves him against the nearest building. The video then asked the audience to describe what they saw. Quite obviously, we all assumed the video was depicting a mugging scene. This seemed to be a classic case of a poor man attacking a wealthy man to steal his wallet and whatever valuables he was carrying. But then the video showed the same scene as filmed from a camera positioned further away. From this perspective, we could see a large bolder rolling off the rooftop of the building, about to land on the sidewalk. It became perfectly clear that the man in the t-shirt and jeans was not mugging the wealthy man, but saving his life.
Two people can see the exact same thing but interpret it in two opposite ways, because they see it from entirely different perspectives.
Very often, these different perspectives are molded by our legitimate personal agendas. Yaakov saw Moshe’s departure from his company as an act of betrayal and expression of ingratitude. Moshe saw it as a natural step he needed to take to secure his financial future, not as any form of betrayal. And they’re both right. Each party sees the situation from the viewpoint of his own agenda – which is perfectly legitimate. Their only mistake was failing to learn the lesson of Miriam and Moshe, for not recognizing that everybody sees things from different perspectives. If they did, this unpleasant situation would not have snowballed into an all-out family feud. They would have respected each other’s agendas, appreciated each other’s position and viewpoint, and maintained good relations despite the uncomfortable circumstance that arose.
The Psychology of Money
There is also another important factor that needs to be taken into account when dealing with these kinds of situations.
After the passing of Hacham Baruch Ben-Haim zt”l, I went to the shivah home where I sat next to a wealthy member of our community who told a fascinating story about the great Hacham. This man at one point found himself embroiled in a bitter business dispute with another community member, with $100,000 at stake. The man decided to consult with the Hacham and receive his guidance.
The Hacham heard the story, and then turned to the man and said, “Tell me, in all honesty, do you normally donate $100,000 to charity in a typical year?”
The man answered in the affirmative.
“Then I think the best thing for you to do,” the Hacham proposed, “is to give this person the $100,000 he is claiming, and this will be your charity for this year.” The man heeded the sage’s advice, and the entire situation was peacefully resolved.
What struck me about this incident was not only the great wisdom of Hacham Baruch, but also the human psychology that this story displays. This man was obviously a very generous person, who donated $100,000 of his hard-earned money each and every year to charitable causes. But he never considered surrendering this amount for the sake of ending an ugly and painful dispute, until a distinguished Rabbinic leader advised him to do so. Why?
The answer has to do with the psychology of money. People – particularly men – see money as something far more than the means with which to buy things. It’s a scorecard. Earning a large amount of money, in a man’s mind, means that he is successful, that he is winning the game of life. If he loses out, then he feels he has failed, and lost the game of life. Even if a man worth $100 million knows that he could never possibly spend more than $10 million for the rest of his life, he would fight tooth and nail against those who illegitimately claim the other $90 million. It’s not that he needs the money for purchasing; he needs the money for his self-esteem. And so voluntarily giving $100,000 to a worthy charity makes a man feel like a winner, but surrendering it to end a dispute makes him feel like a loser. This is just the way people’s minds work.
When a dispute erupts over money, both parties would do well to understand this. As much as they are passionately concerned about their “scorecard,” so is the other guy. We all work to pursue our legitimate personal agendas, and few agendas are as important to the human psyche than earning money. Once we recognize and accept this basic human reality, we will be far better equipped to handle these difficult situations and ensure they don’t snowball out of control. This must be part of the understanding that we have when such conflicts arise.
Growth Through Challenge
There is one final angle on this subject, one which is beautifully expressed by Rabbenu Yonah, in his commentary to this Mishnah.
Rabbenu Yonah explains the Mishnah’s remark as informing us that G-d has a very specific and very important goal for us each time He places us in this kind of situation – where somebody befriends us for his own benefit and then abandons us in our time of need when the relationship no longer serves him well. And that goal is for us to grow.
If we feel betrayed when our family member, friend or partner pursues his agenda which conflicts with ours, it is our opportunity to learn from the experience, to respect that person’s right to look after his own interests, to appreciate the value of peace, to exercise our self-sacrifice muscle, and to train ourselves in the art of forgiveness. If everybody whom we encounter and with whom we deal were genuinely concerned about us and interested in helping us pursue our agendas, we would never grow. Hashem created this complex world the way He did, and created us complex, agenda-driven human beings the way He did, so that we will have no choice but to learn to accommodate other people and their agendas. The human reality of personal agendas will never change, but it does not have to lead to painful, incessant conflict. To the contrary, if handled properly, it can lead to greater peace among people, if we view these uncomfortable situations as opportunities to train ourselves to forgive, to compromise, to respect other people’s needs and wishes, and to learn how to balance our and their agendas.
With this in mind, we will, hopefully, find a way to contain uncomfortable disputes and ensure they don’t blow out of control. If we embrace these situations as opportunities for growth, and recognize them as a natural consequence of the realities of human nature, we will keep our cool, stay composed, avoid anger, respect other people’s perspectives, and thereby maintain peace within our families and our community – which is truly the greatest blessing that we can possibly achieve.