In the aftermath of Purim, my house is full of candy and junk food. It’s all over the place. There are tons. And tons. Cookies, cakes, chocolates, wafers, and lots and lots more.
And the most amazing thing happens. There is so much candy, that my kids just walk right past it.
On an ordinary day, when all the candy is locked up, the moment a kid sees a piece of candy, he NEEDS to have it. He’ll kick and scream. He’ll have a fit if he doesn’t get it. But fill the house top to bottom with junk food on Purim, and after the kids eat their fill, they start ignoring it.
This is a very common example of a surprising teaching of the Gemara: גדול המצווה ועושה משאינו מצוה ועושה – doing a mitzvah that one is commanded to do is greater than voluntarily doing a mitzvah which one is not commanded to do.
Intuitively, we would have assumed just the opposite – that going beyond the strict call of duty is greater than doing only what one is told. But the Gemara teaches us that this is wrong. As Tosafot explain, doing something that we are told to do is so much more difficult, because there is natural, innate resistance to obeying. We don’t resist what we ourselves decide to do, but we resist what is imposed on us.
When we limit the candy, the kids go crazy every time they see some. When there is no limit, they have no trouble just ignoring it.
With this background, let us examine the perplexing story told in Parashat Shemini, the tragic story of Aharon’s two sons, Nadav and Avihu.
Who are They??
The day that was to be Aharon’s most joyous moment turned into his most painful moment.
This was the day when he and his sons for the first time served as kohanim in the Mishkan, offering sacrifices and performing the special mitzvot in the Mishkan as G-d’s special servants. But the two older sons, Nadav and Avihu, made a tragic mistake. They decided to bring an offering that Hashem did not command them to bring. A fire descended from the heavens and consumed them.
When we look at how Nadav and Avihu are described in the Torah and Midrashim, we are left very confused.
On the one hand, we read in the Torah that Moshe turned to Aharon after this tragedy and said that Nadav and Avihu were very close to Hashem – even closer than Moshe and Aharon were! Although they committed a sin, they were very righteous men.
However, the Midrash relates that Nadav and Avihu were killed not only for bringing a sacrifice that they weren’t supposed to bring, but also for another sin. Once, they were walking behind Moshe and Aharon, and they said to one another, “When will these two older people pass away already, so we can be the leaders!”
Are these the words of righteous men? Would we ever consider somebody “righteous” if he said he was looking forward to the time when his father and uncle – the two greatest men in the world! – would die?
So we need to understand, who are these men? Are they holy tzadikim, who were closer to Hashem than even Moshe Rabbenu, or were they arrogant, disrespectful kids who wanted Moshe to die?!
A New Generation
To answer this question, we need to put the story of the Mishkan into context.
The Rabbis teach that at the time the Jews received the Torah, they lost their yetzer ha’ra, their evil inclination, the natural, innate resistance to obey commands. Their natural desire was the desire to do Hashem’s will, without any struggle. And so they proclaimed, נעשה ונשמע – that they accepted all the mitzvot even before hearing what they were. It was automatic for them to do whatever it is Hashem wanted them to do.
In fact, the Gemara says that when they proclaimed נעשה ונשמע, they became just the like the angels. The angels have no yetzer ha’ra; they naturally want to do whatever they’re supposed to do. And this is the level the Jews reached when they received the Torah.
The people lost this level, however, when they sinned by making a golden calf. The Mishkan was built in order to atone for this sin, and to bring the people closer to the high level they reached at the time of Matan Torah.
Which brings us to the mistake of Nadav and Avihu.
They thought that once the Mishkan was complete, the people were all the way back to the level of Matan Torah. They felt that the nation was once again at the point where they had no yetzer ha’ra, and so they did not need commandments. Commandments are needed only to challenge us to observe them. But now that the people returned to the great level of Matan Torah, this was not necessary. Their natural desire was to obey Hashem’s will, and so they could serve Him however they wished, without complying to commandments.
Nadav and Avihu assumed that their instincts were back to perfection, that what they naturally wanted to do was exactly what they were supposed to do.
This explains the remarks they made about Moshe and Aharon.
Nadav and Avihu did not want Moshe and Aharon to die. What they meant was that they were part of a new generation. They thought that they were going to start something entirely new and exciting. They felt that Beneh Yisrael didn’t need Moshe and Aharon’s system anymore, because now they were on a higher level. Now the nation was holy and pure. They saw their generation as one which brought new opportunities, and so things needed to change.
Were Nadav and Avihu great men? Yes, absolutely. Their mistake came from a good place – from the desire to bring about a state of perfection, to bring the Jewish People to the ideal state of Matan Torah. But they did not realize that they were trying to usher in this perfection in a problematic manner.
Today’s Generational Transition
Today, we are seeing a generational transition which is far more drastic than most people recognize.
Since after World War II, every generation has been given a name. There were the “Baby Boomers,” then “Generation X,” then “Generation Y.” Today’s younger generation – those who were born from around the year 2000 – is called “Generation V,” with the “V” standing for “viral.”
Today’s generation is given this name because this is how these kids measure anything – by whether or not it goes “viral.”
Everything is about the internet and social media. This is their world. According to statistics, these kids are on three devices at once. Eight-five percent of them are on their phone while they watch television. They spend an average of 9.5 hours on their phone each day.
There’s a world of difference between this generation and the previous generations. Although many older people are certainly tech savvy and spend an inordinate amount of time on their devices, it’s not the same. Today’s kids were born into it. It’s as if they came out of the womb with a smartphone. The internet and social media aren’t things that entered their lives after they reached a certain age. It’s been part of them for as long as they can remember. It’s part of their being.
And this affects the way they think.
When they see something interesting, their instinctive reaction is to share it and hope that they get hundreds of “likes” and comments. When they like their food, they immediately take a picture and share it. Their entire world is about sharing and connecting.
They don’t see anything wrong with it. For them, that’s what life is. And they’re not entirely incorrect. There is value in the desire to connect to other people.
Moreover, Generation V is very hopeful and optimistic. Studies have found than 38 percent of the kids in this generation expect to invent something that will change the world. They have big dreams and ambitions. By constantly connecting to the world, they feel important and emboldened. They feel they can have a real impact. And that’s a great thing.
What few of them realize, however, is the steep price of all of this. The average attention span has dropped to 8 seconds – shorter than that of a goldfish. Seventy-nine percent experience emotional distress when they’re away from their phone. If their phone is taken away, it is as though a part of their body has been taken away. Many kids have anxiety and inferiority complexes because they are so connected and spend so much time seeing other people’s lives.
They don’t see all this, but they want to positively change the world. They are connected to the world and want to have an impact.
Like Nadav and Avihu, they want a better world, a more perfect world. And they are convinced that their unique generation can do it. The problem is losing sight of the problems of overconsumption of internet and social media, of being hyperconnected.
We need to understand that we will never understand.
We will never really understand the way today’s kids think. No matter how much technology we use, our minds are and always will be fundamentally different from theirs. They are trained to assess everything in terms of “likes” and emojis. They find it perfectly normal that those with the most outrageous and least appropriate pictures and videos on social media are the most popular. We find this sick. They consider it completely normal.
We don’t think like them, and this is something that’s so important for us to realize.
The One Thing They STIILL Need
However, as much as today’s generation is so drastically different from ours, there is one thing that has remained the same, one thing which kids today need every bit as much as kids of any other generation needed – and probably much more so.
Of course, we should do what we can to limit our kids’ use of technology, to make them aware of the dangers and consequences of overconsumption and screen addiction. But there’s also another critical thing that they need from us.
Somebody once sent me a video of a talk presented by a young man. He described how his life used to be a sheer and utter disaster. Complete chaos. He went from one foster home to another. He’d be kicked out of one, placed in another, and then kicked out of that one. He even took pride in how fast he would be thrown out of a foster home.
Finally, he ended up in a man’s home and stayed there for three full years. No matter what he did, the man didn’t break. He was the kindest and most patient person in the world, and nothing the kid could do got him upset.
Finally, the kid was caught driving under the influence of alcohol, and was in prison. He called his foster dad, who told him to say in jail overnight and he’s come get him in the morning.
The next morning, the man picked him up, brought him home, and sat him down for a talk.
“This is it!” the kid said to himself.
He thought for sure that he was finally being thrown out. Even though this man was the nicest person on the planet, the boy assumed, even he must have his limits. The time had come!
But this is not what happened.
“I want you to understand something,” the man said to the boy. “No matter what you do, you’re not going anywhere. You’re staying here. I don’t see you as a problem, and I never will. I see you as an opportunity. You are saying in this house. So get used to it.”
That conversation marked the turning point in this young man’s life.
What he later realized, this man said in his presentation, is that every single child who succeeds has had at least one supportive adult in his life.
He then added: “Every single kid is one caring adult away from a success story, and one bad decision away from being a statistic.”
So, how do we fulfill our role of being caring adults? If these kids are so drastically different from us, if their minds are so drastically different from ours, what can we do to care for them, to give them the kind of love, trust and confidence they need in order to succeed?
The man explained in his lecture that there is one thing that kids today still need from us adults, even if they don’t realize it.
“Today’s kids spell ‘trust’ T-I-M-E,” he said.
Time. This is what they need from us more than anything else. They need our time and our attention.
The 936 Marbles of Youth
No matter how many new inventions the modern world comes up with, and no matter how much money a person makes, time is still and always will be everyone’s most precious commodity.
There is no excuse in the world for not giving a child time. We are responsible for allocating time for each and every child. It doesn’t matter what kind of kids they are, how different they are, or how they act – they need our time, and we need to give it to them.
The man delivering this talk took out a jar and put it on the table in front of him. It was full of marbles.
“This jar has 936 marbles,” he said. “Each one represents a week in the life of a child from birth until he turns 18.”
He then pulled out another jar, which contained fewer marbles.
“This jar is a nine-year-old child. It has half the amount of marbles – only 468. These are the number of weeks left.”
He presented a third jar. “This jar has only 104 marbles inside. This kid is 16. He has only two years left before he leaves home and starts making his own decisions.”
When parents complain to me that their kids are rebellious, that their kids don’t listen, that their kids don’t act the way that is expected of them – I tell them that we have nothing to talk about if they have not made a real, concentrated effort to give the kid time, to relate to the kid on his or her level.
There is no excuse. There is always something parents can do with their child. As long as it is not illegal or halachically forbidden, it can and must be tried. It can be a ball game. It can be shopping. It can be a recreational trip. It can be a restaurant. Children need our time. They need it desperately. This is one thing that has not changed and that will never change.
Today’s kids want to do great things, and they truly believe they can. But they don’t realize the pressure, anxiety, obsession and addiction that this life can lead to. The best thing we can do to save them from all this is to give them time, to be the caring adult that each and every child in each and every generation needs.
Buying an Hour
The story is told of an overworked, harried father who comes home one day and is approached by his son.
“Dad, how much do you make in an hour?” the boy asks.
“What?!” the father bellows.
“How much do you make in an hour?”
“Why on earth are you asking me that?” the father shouts.
“Can you just tell me?” the boy asks meekly.
Angrily, the father says, “Ok, I make $50 an hour! Are you happy now?”
“Dad,” the boy asks, “can I maybe borrow $20?”
“What?! So this is what this is all about? You want me to give you money?! Do you know how hard I work so we can buy you clothes and food, and pay for your school? You expect me to give you even more?!”
The boy quietly and sadly walks away and goes to his room.
Later that evening, the father goes into his son’s room to apologize.
“I’m sorry, son,” he says. “I shouldn’t have gotten that upset.” He then pulls out a $20 bill and gives it to the boy.
Elated, the boy takes the bill and then goes to his closet and pulls out his little money collection.
He gives it all to his father and says, “Dad, I already had $30, so now I have $50. Can I please buy an hour of your time?”
No device, no app, no number of friends, followers, retweets or likes can ever be as powerful for a child as a caring, loving adult. And we fill this role through the one language that has always remained constant – the language of time. This is what they so desperately need from us.
There is so much about today’s kids that we will never understand, that we cannot possibly understand. But the need for our time is something that we all most absolutely can understand, and it’s something that we all can and must absolutely provide.