In the early 1800s, a dreadful epidemic struck the United States called puerperal fever, also known as “the black death of childbed.” In some hospitals, 70 percent of newborn infants perished from the disease. Doctors and scientists tried in vain to figure out how to stop the spread of this disease in hospital maternity wards.
In 1843, a doctor named Oliver Wendell Holmes published a paper making a very simple claim. He observed that doctors in hospitals were performing autopsies on victims and then later in the day delivering babies. Dr. Holmes theorized that these doctors were spreading the illness from the bodies of the dead patients to the newborn babies. To stop the spread, all they needed to do was to wash their hands in between. It was Dr. Holmes who came up with the idea that we are all very familiar with today, especially now during this pandemic – the importance of hygiene in avoiding the spread of illness.
The scientific community laughed at the idea. It took 30 years (!!!!) for the medical establishment to realize they were wrong and Dr. Holmes was right.
The doctors and scientists were looking at all the wrong places in their desperate attempt to stop this deadly disease. But all they needed to do was to wash their hands.
A modern-day speaker named Simon Sinek pointed to this story as an example of an all-too-common phenomenon. When we struggle with a problem, especially when it comes to relationships, we assume the problem is the other person, or external factors. We think to ourselves, “If only he wouldn’t do that,” “If only she wouldn’t do that,” or “If only such-and-such wouldn’t happen,” then we would be ok. But what we don’t realize is that all we need to do is “wash our hands.”
We can’t change other people. But we can change ourselves and our attitude.
Regarding every stage of the world’s creation, the Torah writes that “G-d saw that it was good.” The creation of light was “good.” The creation of trees and vegetation was “good.” The creation of the sun and the moon was “good.”
There is only one creation regarding which this is not said – the creation of the human being. After the creation of Adam and Havah, G-d did not say that this creation was “good.”
The reason is because at the time of a person’s creation, he is neither “good” nor “bad.” A human being makes himself “good” or the opposite each moment of his life. We are all constant works in progress. And Hashem gives us challenges for us to have the opportunity to make ourselves better. He puts difficult people in our lives that we need to deal with, or difficult situations that we need to confront, because they help us work on ourselves and become better people.
But this only works if we react by “washing our hands,” if we use these challenges as opportunities for growth. If we think only of how we want the other person, or the circumstances, to change, then we will miss our chance to advance and grow. Instead of being frustrated by what other people are doing, we should “wash our own hands” and see what we can do to handle the situation the best way. We can be more patient. We can be less insecure. We can be more controlled. We can smile more. We can be less talkative. There are many things we can do – some of them very simple – to deal with difficult people and difficult situations, and this is how we grow and become better.
The famous story is told of a chassidic young man who got married soon before Pesach, and right after Pesach, he came to his rabbi saying that he needed to get divorced. He explained that he was with his wife’s family during Pesach, and he saw rice in his soup. Ashkenazim do not eat rice on Pesach, and this man felt he could not be part of a family which does not follow this tradition.
The rabbi asked the young man if anybody else at the table had rice in their soup, and he said he did not know. Nobody had mentioned anything about it. The rabbi then asked the young man to bring him his shtreimel, the special fur hat that chassidim wear on holidays and special occasions. The young man brought him his new shtreimel which he wore for the first time at his wedding – and the rabbi ran his fingers through the fur…causing dozens of small grains of rice to fall from the shtreimel.
It turned out that at the wedding, people threw grains of rice at the couple, as is customary, and numerous grains of rice became stuck in the shtreimel. As this man ate his soup, some grains fell from his shtreimel into the soup…
The problem wasn’t his wife’s family – the problem was him!!
Life becomes so much happier when we stop fretting about what other people are doing or aren’t doing, and focus instead on our own “shtreimel,” on what we can do better. This is how we turn difficult situations into precious opportunities, and how we become better and greater people, each and every day.