Wearing Our Own Shoes
It happened only once in the history of the world, and it will never happen again. This was a singular moment, an unparalleled miracle, which will not be repeated, ever. A donkey spoke to a man.
When G-d opened the mouth of Bilam’s donkey and made it speak, we would have likely expected it to say something very significant and profound. After all, if G-d was performing this extraordinary miracle, we would think, it would be to convey to us some vitally important message, a critical lesson that we need to learn in order to live our lives as Torah Jews.
But what does the donkey actually say to Bilam?
מה עשיתי לך כי הכיתני...הלוא אנכי אתונך אשר רכבת עלי מעודך עד היום הזה...
What have I done to you, that you beat me… Am I not your donkey upon which you have ridden from your beginning until this day… (Bamidbar 22:28-30)
That’s it? This is what G-d created this miracle for – so that the donkey could complain about being beaten?
Certainly, if these are the only words that G-d had an animal speak since creating the world, there must be some deeper message embedded within them.
Life as a Fraud
Anyone who has studied Parashat Balak has noticed the disconnect between the implication of the text and Hazal’s characterization of Bilam. When we read the pesukim, Bilam does not seem like a bad fellow at all. He repeatedly reminds Balak, the king who summoned him to curse Beneh Yisrael, that he cannot do anything against Hashem’s wishes. He does not accept the invitation until Hashem grants him permission, and when he sees the angel blocking his path, he tells the angel that if he does not wish for him to proceed, he will go back home. Time and time again, he emphasizes his fealty to the will of G-d.
Our Sages, however, teach that Bilam was greedy, selfish and debased. Although he spoke like a pious man, he was as evil, crooked and immoral as anybody.
In short, Bilam was a fraud. His piety was insincere. It wasn’t actually him. He put on a show of righteousness, but this wasn’t who he was.
This is the profound message of the donkey’s censure of Bilam. G-d opened the donkey’s mouth to tell Bilam, “Stop playing games. You’re not as pious as you show you are. Be yourself.” Bilam’s violence to his animal was just the example. The point being made is that Bilam was now unmasked and revealed as the decrepit person that he was.
This is the eternal message that this miracle conveys. It calls out to each and every one of us and exclaims, “Be real. Be authentic. Don’t live your life so that other people will think of you a certain way. Don’t live externally, for show, basing your decisions on what other people do and what other people want you to do. Live your life, the life that you want to live.”
None of us are wicked like Bilam, but many of us are guilty, on one level or another, of this mistake of inauthenticity. How often do we decide to do things or not do things because of what the people in the synagogue will think, because of what our parents will think, because of what our in-laws will think, and so on? How many of us live lives imposed upon us by other people’s expectations, rather than living our lives, the lives we want to live?
Reb Zusha’s “Shoes”
Reb Zusha of Anapoli, one of the legendary Chassidic masters, was exceedingly poor, to the point where he could not even afford a pair of shoes.
Once, his disciples asked him how, in light of his dire condition, he was able to recite the daily berachah שעשה לי כל צרכי. This blessing, which is included in the series of berachot which we recite each morning, thanks Hashem “who has given me all my needs,” referring specifically to the shoes we are given to protect our feet. How, the chassidim wanted to know, could Reb Zusha recite this berachah if he had no shoes?
Reb Zusha answered by noting the difference between clothing and shoes. If a person purchases somebody else’s garment, he could have a tailor shorten or extend the material to make it fit his size. Shoes, however, cannot fit somebody else. Nobody tailors shoes. Once a shoe is made, it can be worn only by somebody whose foot is that precise size.
“Every day,” Reb Zusha said, “I thank Hashem for giving me my life, which fits me like a pair of shoes. This is what שעשה לי כל צרכי means to me. Hashem gave me the life which fits me perfectly.”
Life is happy when it “fits” us. If we choose our lifestyle based on what other people want or expect of us, then we live as slaves to other people, and will never experience satisfaction. In order to feel happy and fulfilled, we need to live the life that works for us, that suits us, that fits us like an old pair of shoes.
For some people, it is important to have a large, fancy house. For other people, this is not important. Some people really enjoy going on vacation once a year, while others prefer enjoying their free time at home. Some professions and careers suit one person, and others suit a second person. Nobody should dictate how we live our lives. If we let our relatives, our community or our society dictate how we live, then we live as frauds. If we live the way that suits us, then we live genuine, authentic lives, and we are thus able to feel happy and fulfilled.
However, if this is the case, then shouldn’t we be encouraged to do whatever we please? Does this mean we can disregard what it says in the Torah, or the halachic rulings of our Rabbis? Does this mean we can entirely ignore all societal norms and be weird?
The Three Questions
The way we live authentic but proper lives is to ask ourselves three simple questions each and every day of our lives.
The first question is, “What do I want?” We need to identify what we would, ideally, want if we were the only ones who mattered. Before we take into consideration our family members, community and society, we need to ask, “What’s important and meaningful to me? What do I want to do that would bring me true joy and satisfaction?” And we are not talking about vices, such as lust for money, physical pleasures, and laziness. Nobody achieves true, inner joy and fulfillment by eating or sleeping all day. This question is what do we want to do in order to make our lives truly meaningful and in order for us to feel fulfilled and accomplished.
The second question is more important than the first. It is, “What does Hashem want from me?” After we’ve determined what we would want in a vacuum, we need to then determine what Hashem wants of us, why He gave us our strengths, our weaknesses, our families, our surroundings, why He created us and what He wants us to accomplish during our brief sojourn on Earth.
Finally, we need to ask, “What are my responsibilities?” If a person has a spouse and children, for example, he needs to care for them. Freeing ourselves from societal expectations does not mean doing whatever we please. We have responsibilities that we must not ignore or neglect.
Answering these questions will help us chart our course in a way that ensures that we live real, authentic lives, the lives that suit us, without being reckless or careless. We need to balance our innermost wishes and desires with our duties and responsibilities. When we strike this balance, we live happy, fulfilled and accomplished lives.
The Medication Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel Refused
Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel zt”l was the venerated Rosh Yeshiva of the Mir Yeshiva in Jerusalem. For the last twenty-five years of his life, he suffered from Parkinson’s disease, yet he continued teaching his students and running the yeshiva, the largest in the world.
It was known throughout yeshiva circles that Rav Nosson Tzvi refused to take medication for his illness, because he was warned that it would affect his ability to learn Torah. He preferred to suffer the painful effects of this illness than to compromise his ability to properly study Torah.
However, a number of years ago, I was informed that this is not precisely correct. Somebody told me that his friend, whose father had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, flew to Israel to meet with Rav Nosson Tzvi, and asked about this rumor.
“I take all painkillers that can help me,” he said. “But there is one medication which makes the patient not feel himself. And I will not take a medication that makes me feel not myself. I need to be me. I am here in this world to be me, and I refuse to feel like anyone but me.”
This story conveys a vitally important message. We need to live our lives, the lives that are right for us. Of course, reputation is important, and we should not be acting in strange ways that draw negative attention to ourselves. But as a rule, the lives we live should be ours, dictated and determined by our natures and preferences. We need to make sure our lives fit just right, just like an old pair of shoes, and then we will be able to achieve the joy and fulfillment we desire.