Our kids are growing up in a very, very scary world.
The devices they carry in their pockets enable them to see EVERYTHING. Which means they are aware of every major news story. They hear about every major catastrophe, every big scandal, and every big problem that’s being talked about.
It also means that they know everything going on in the community, and this gives them a great deal of pressure and anxiety.
Already at a young age, our kids hear about the astronomical cost of living in our community, the challenges in finding a spouse, the challenges in staying married and the challenges in raising a family. And, because of social media, they are CONSTANTLY exposed to what other kids and other families are doing, what their lives look like and what the perceived standards are. This creates A TON of pressure.
We might not be able to see it, but our kids are overwhelmed. AND THEY NEED US. They need us for encouragement, for support, for reassurance. They DESPERATELY need us.
Why are We Told the Story of Bilam???
This message was taught to us by Hashem Himself.
In Parashat Balak, we read the story of Balak, the king of the nation of Moav, who hired Bilam – a man known for his ability to harm people by placing a curse on them – to use his powers against the Jewish People. Balak was afraid of Beneh Yisrael, and so he hoped to eliminate them by having Bilam curse them. But Hashem prevented Bilam from cursing Beneh Yisrael, and changed his curse into beautiful blessings.
A simple question: Why is this important?
This entire episode happened far away from where the Jewish People were encamped. Balak and Bilam stood at a mountaintop overlooking the camp, trying to curse them, and a blessing came out instead. Why does this matter? Why is this written in the Torah?
The answer is so powerful: Hashem wants to show us how much He loves us.
We are told this story so we realize that when other people were out to get us, Hashem was there for us. When other people were trying to speak badly about us, Hashem was singing our praises. When people hated us, Hashem was behind us all the way, just like He always is.
We need to hear this story because this world is a scary place. Life is hard and intimidating. We so often feel alone, weak and vulnerable. So Hashem showed us that even when we can’t see it, He is always there for us, He is always caring for us, and He always believes in us.
Making Kids Feel “Love Worthy”
This is exactly what our children need from us. They need to know that they are so important to us, that we love them, that we cherish them, that we are always there for them, that they can always count on us, that no matter what kind of adversity and challenges they might be facing, we love them more than anything.
Why is this so important?
Because our children need to know that they are “love worthy” – that they are deserving of being loved and cherished.
If a child is confident that he is loved, then he feels generally confident in himself. He feels confident that he is capable of succeeding, of getting married, of building a career, and of meeting all the challenges that lie ahead.
This might sound like “psychobabble,” but it’s SO TRUE.
The greatest fear people have – especially youngsters – is that they won’t matter, that they won’t be important, that they won’t be loved or respected.
This is why kids like doing things that adults do, and feeling “big.” They like this because as little kids, they feel unimportant. They want to feel important, that they matter, and so they want to be “big,” to be like adults.
Parents play a crucial role in providing kids with this basic need. We play this role by showing them that we love them, that we care about them, that they are the most important thing in the world to us.
“I am the One!!!”
There are several reasons why this is such a great challenge for many parents – such as parents who have, thank G-d, many children. They might, understandably, wonder how they can give each and every child this feeling of being love and cherished. With so many kids to care for, this can be pretty difficult.
Let’s address this problem by looking at a famous story told much earlier in the Torah.
After Yosef was sold as a slave, and Yaakov assumed he was killed, his family tried to comfort him:
ויקומו כל בניו וכל בנותיו לנחמו, וימאן להתנחם – “All his sons and all his daughters arose to console him, but he refused to be consoled.”
One of the famous commentaries, the Or Ha’hayim Ha’kadosh, offers a fascinating interpretation of this pasuk. Yaakov had only one daughter, so when the Torah here mentions “all his sons and all his daughters,” it must refer not only to his children, but also to his grandchildren. What the pasuk means is that his entire family, all his children and grandchildren, came before him to show him how big a family he had. They wanted to assure Yaakov that although Yosef was gone, he still had so much to be proud of, and so much to be happy about.
But Yaakov refused to be consoled. It didn’t matter how many children and grandchildren he had if one of them was missing. Each one was precious, and each one was irreplaceable.
Parents of large families need to make it clear that each and every one of their children feels this.
Every son and every daughter must feel, “I am the one!”
Every child must feel that he or she means THE WORLD to the parents, that he or she is loved and cherished as though there were no other children.
This is especially relevant in the summer and holidays, when people tend to spend a lot of time with extended family – aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Children can often feel lost and overwhelmed being one of thirty people. No matter how busy and hectic things get, the parents must make it clear to each and every child that each and every one of them matters, that each and every one of them has the parents’ unlimited and unconditional love.
We are With Them NO MATTER WHAT!
I imagine that some parents reading this are shaking their heads and thinking: “This all sounds really nice, but to be honest, my kid just doesn’t deserve it.”
“If only you knew what my teenager is like, how he doesn’t do anything he’s supposed to do.”
“How can I show my kid love when she is always talking back to me?!”
“I’m supposed to make him feel loved? When he makes my life sooooooooooooooo difficult?!!”
Let’s go back to Bilam to find the answer.
In one of Bilam’s blessings which Hashem forced him to give the Jewish People, he makes a remarkable statement: לא הביט און ביעקב ולא ראה עמל בישראל – Hashem does not see any sin in the Jewish People, and so He loves them.
How is this possible?
So much of the Book of Bamidbar, the book which tells of the nation’s experiences traveling through the desert, is about the people’s sins, all the times when they complained and they rebelled. How could Bilam say that Hashem does not see anything wrong wih the Jewish People?
He could say this because Hashem loves us even when we do things wrong.
Of course He saw the people’s mistakes, and He punished them several times. But even then – He made it clear that He loves us. No matter what we do, He still loves us.
The pasuk continues, ה' אלוקיו עמו – Hashem is with the Jewish People NO MATTER WHAT. Even when we mess up, Hashem is there for us. Even when we deserve punishment – we are still worthy of His love.
And this what our children need to know – that we are with them all the way, no matter what.
Even if we do not approve of what they’re doing, even when they don’t listen, they need to know that we love them. We don’t have to – and shouldn’t – give in, but we need to show them that our love is unconditional.
Dads – Get Involved!!
This requires a joint effort by both parents.
I realize that for many Dads in the community, this is a difficult challenge. They spend many long hours working, and often they have to travel. Owning a business usually means an endless stream of emails and texts, and constant pressure and a stead flow of problems that need to be dealt with. A father who comes home exhausted from a pressured day of work might understandably prefer relaxing with his buddies than dealing with his kids.
But he shouldn’t.
When a man has a child, he essentially signs a contract, making a commitment to fill that child’s needs. And the child’s needs are not limited to food, clothing, shelter and tuition. Children have emotional needs, too, and fathers are responsible to provide them.
Fathers need to be more than just bank accounts. They need to be sources of love, of confidence, of security. Children need their fathers not only to sign the checks, but also to make them feel special, to make them feel love worthy.
It’s Harder Than Ever
Showing our kids love has never been so vital as it is today, and it has never been more difficult than it is today.
Kids today have so much stress, so much pressure and so much anxiety, and there is so much confusion. And so they are overwhelmed and afraid. They need to know we’re behind them all the way.
But kids today are also less respectful and less receptive to love than they ever were in the past. I doubt there was ever a generation when kids thought less of their parents than they do in our generation. Kids today, even at a very young age, assume they know better than their parents.
But this does not mean they don’t need us. To the contrary, THEY NEED US MORE THAN KIDS EVER DID!!!!!
Today’s children are more stubborn and less respectful specifically because of their anxiety, their fear, their insecurity, and their lack of confidence. And so even though they might not seem to be interested in our love and support, they still need it. DESPERATELY.
Yes, it’s hard. But we need to try as hard as we can to break through the shell our kids build around them, and show them that we love them, that we believe in them, that we have confidence in them.
And this is true of kids of any age.
In the early childhood years – say, until age 3 – it’s all about showering the child with love. From around age 4 until the early teen years, it’s a combination between love and setting boundaries. If we don’t set boundaries and make demands, we are not showing love. We are sending the message that we don’t care enough about our children, and so we let them do what they want. It is imperative that we set boundaries together with showing them love.
During the teen years, our kids need our support, to know that we care about them even if they make bad decisions, even if they don’t get things right. And when they get older – even well into adulthood – they need us to listen. At this age, they don’t need or want our advice, but they need us to listen, to pay attention, to show them that we think they are important enough to be heard.
Just as Hashem wanted the Jewish People to know that ה' אלוקיו עמו – they are ALWAYS worthy of His love – so must we show our children that they are always worthy of love, at every age, at every stage, and under all conditions.
The Power of Confidence
A ninth grader was walking home from school one Friday afternoon in the beginning of the school year when he noticed a classmate, Kyle, walking the same way, carrying all his schoolbooks with him. This boy had never seen Kyle before, and from his appearance, he seemed socially awkward. And it seemed very strange that he would be walking home on Friday afternoon with all his books. Spending the weekend on schoolwork is definitely not the normal thing to do.
A few minutes later, a group of bullies approached Kyle, knocked the books out of his hands, and pushed him to the ground, sending his large glasses flying.
The other boy’s heart bled for poor Kyle. He ran over to him, gave him his glasses, and helped him collect his books. He saw the tears welling in Kyle’s eyes.
He introduced himself, and invited him to play football with him and his friends on Saturday and Sunday. Kyle gladly accepted the invitation.
They played ball over the weekend, and became friends. The friendship helped Kyle become better adjusted. He gradually started looking and acting like the other kids, and became popular in school. He was also an outstanding student. At the end of 12th grade, Kyle was named valedictorian.
He approached the podium to deliver his valedictory speech, and said the following:
“Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings… but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.”
Kyle went on to recount that day at the beginning of the year, when he was carrying all his books home. He explained that he was planning to end his life that day. He was bringing his books home so his mother would not have to come to the school to empty his locker, which would, of course, be unimaginably painful for her.
Looking at his best friend in the crowd, he smiled and said, “Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.”
The other boy saved Kyle by showing him he was love worthy, that he was important enough to receive friendship, love and concern.
In the scary world we live in, this is what our children so desperately need – and nobody on earth can provide it more than we, their parents, can.
Whatever ages our children are, we need to give this to them – the confidence of knowing they are worthy of love. Armed with this confidence, they will head out into the world with faith in themselves and in their ability to achieve and do all the amazing things that they are capable of doing.