The Torah in Parashat Vayera tells of the way Avraham Avinu invited guests, serving three strangers – who, he did not realize, were angels – a full meal. Abraham did not only host guests, but went out of his way to find people who needed hospitality. Just several days after undergoing berit milah at an advanced age, he sat outside in the sun to look for people he could invite and host. In fact, the Gemara notes that Hashem appeared to Avraham on that day, and Avraham disrupted his “meeting” with Hashem in order to tend to these guests. The Gemara derives from this incident that welcoming guests is more important that meeting with Hashem.
When Avraham first spoke to the angels, he said, יוקח נא מעט מים – offering “a little bit” of water (18:4). Avraham served them a large meal, but offered only “a little” water. Why?
Rav Yisrael Salanter explained that Avraham here speaks in the passive form – יוקח – saying that “water will be brought,” and not, “I will bring water.” Avraham could not carry the water himself; he needed to have somebody else do this for him. And for this reason, he could not offer copious amounts of water. Avraham understood that he had no right to offer favors to people at somebody else’s expense. As much as he wanted to generously host his guests, he limited himself in order not to unduly inconvenience his household.
The Peleh Yoetz devotes a section of the book to the importance of the mitzvah of הכנסת אורחים (welcoming guests). But after elaborating on the value of hospitality, he adds a very significant comment:
אבל מצד אחר יש פסידא כשאשת בעל הבית היא תתגרש ואינה מסבה עם בעלה על השלחן, שאפשר יכבד עליהם יותר ישיבת האורח ולא יראו העת שילך לו.
This means that sometimes, inviting guests can be the wrong thing to do – if it causes the family members to feel they are not part of the meal, or if it causes them a great deal of inconvenience.
In our busy world, when we are always rushing and running about, trying to get more and more done, and our eyes always seem to be pointed toward a screen, Shabbat has become more important for family life than ever before. It is the only time when parents are free to focus on their children, and on one another. Having guests interferes with this golden opportunity, preventing us from giving our spouse and our children the attention they need and deserve. As important as הכנסת אורחים is, it must not come at the expense of our families.
What, then, are we to do? If הכנסת אורחים is such an important mitzvah, but it can take its toll on the family, then should we invite guests or not?
The Peleh Yoetz concludes: לכן כל ערום יעשה בדעת – “Therefore, every intelligent person should act wisely.” Meaning, we have to use our common sense to find the right balance. Of course hosting is wonderful and important. But we must take into account the needs and wishes of the family. We need to consult with them – even with the young children – and determine when and whom to invite. We must follow the example of Avraham Avinu, who went out of his way to welcome guests – but while ensuring not to overlook the needs of his family.