Why doesn’t he tell me anything about his life?? Doesn’t he realize that I care about him??
Why doesn’t she ever ask for my advice?? I’m so smart and experienced. Why does she ask everybody else but her parents??
When did this kid become so disrespectful? He was so sweet just two years ago!!!!
Why are her friends so much more important to her than her family???
I doubt anybody who has ever raised a teen never asked any of these questions.
Here’s a typical example:
It’s around 9:30pm on Saturday night, and you hear some rustling around the closet next to the front door. You see it’s your teenage daughter, putting on her coat.
“Where are you going, Sweetheart?”
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“Whatever, Mom.”
“Who are you going with?”
“Friends.”
“Which friends?”
“You know my friends, Mom.”
“And you don’t know where you’re going?”
“We haven’t decided yet, Mom.”
Something happens to our children when they approach or reach the teenage years. They became more distant, less respectful, and less connected to us.
Let us try to understand what exactly is happening to our kids during this period, and, with some help from Parashat Ki-Tisa, try to learn how we can best approach the challenges of raising a teen.
נער – Shaking Free!!
First, we need to go all the way back to the story of the flood.
After the flood, the Torah says, Hashem made the decision to never again destroy the earth, because יצר לב האדם רע מנעוריו – people have a sinful inclination from the time they are a נער, a teenager. The Torah’s word for a youngster in this stage is נער. What exactly does this word mean?
Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch, one of the great commentators, offers a beautiful, and powerful, explanation.
He writes that the Hebrew root נ.ע.ר. means “shake off.” And this is PRECISELY what the teenage years are all about: kids “shaking off” their parents’ control.
We see our kids busy with lots of different things. But what we don’t see, and what they themselves do not realize, is that every single thing they do is geared towards this goal of “shaking free.” They are working – they are struggling, ever so mightily – to create their own identity.
It might not sound so hard, but oh, it is SO VERY HARD.
Years ago, when I first started working with teens, I was talking to a far more experienced educator. I told him that I found it so funny how kids think that they have “issues.,” that they’re under pressure. Scores on tests, what a friend thinks or doesn’t think about them, if they’re invited or not invited to a party, if their parents let them go or don’t let them go, or let them buy that outfit or not – they look at these as major dilemmas.
“If only they knew the kind of problems and pressures they will face as adults,” I joked to my older colleague. Mortgage payments, problems with their kids, paying bills, dealing with cars, a house, a job – these are REAL challenges.
“These kids have no idea how easy they have it!!!” I said.
This very wise educator looked at me and said, “You’ll be surprised.” He explained that it is true that an adult has 100 times more pressures than a child does, between all the children, work and marriage. But a teenager has one big pressure which outweighs all of it!
The pressure facing a teenager is one ever so frightening question, and that question is: WHO AM I?
Teens are asking themselves, “Do I have an identity? Am I my own person? Do I matter? Am I relevant? Does the world need me? Am I important? Does the world respect me? Does the world have a place for me?”
These are very, very scary questions.
Why does a teen turn every little thing into a big deal? Because when you’re trying to identify yourself, every little thing is a HUGE deal!!!
This is why teens are emotionally fragile, uptight, anxious and explosive. It’s because at every moment, they’re trying to “shake off” other identities so they can create their own identity. It’s scary, and every seemingly trivial incident is a very important part of this crucial process.
With this in mind, I’d like to present five thoughts on how to deal with a teenager, once we understand the experience of a נער – a youngster trying to “shake free.”
1) Respect the struggle
Parashat Ki-Tisa tells of one of the greatest catastrophes in the entire Torah – the story of the golden calf.
When Moshe came down from Mount Sinai, he was met by his student, Yehoshua, and they heard a loud noise coming from the camp, where the people were worshipping the golden calf. Yehoshua turned to Moshe and said, קול מלחמה במחנה – “The sound of war is in the camp!”
Moshe told Yehoshua that he was wrong. He explained, קול ענות אנכי שומע – the sounds they were hearing were, in truth, קול ענות, the sound of pain.
Beneh Yisrael committed a grave sin by worshipping the golden calf. But Moshe was able to hear the קול ענות, the cry of pain, the struggle underlying this terrible act.
A parent who is untrained in teen-raising hears the teen shouting, screaming and defying, and thinks it is simply a קול מלחמה – the sound of hostility. But the wise parent, like Moshe Rabbenu, hears the קול ענות, the pain and struggle. This is not a war. It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about pain and struggle.
Parents of teens need to know that this isn’t easy for the kids. They’re struggling mightily through this process. Their “little” problems are not little at all.
Studies have shown that as life expectancy rises, maturity occurs later. And so today, when many people, baruch Hashem, live into their 80s and even well into their 90s, youngsters mature more gradually, anticipating many long decades ahead of them. Teens today are therefore less mature than they were 40, 50 and 60 years ago. And yet, already when the kids are just 14 or 15, parents start pressuring them about career, business, marriage and other things. They are less mature than in the past, but more pressured than in the past. This combines to create a whole lot of anxiety.
Parents need to hear the קול ענות, the pain underlying it all. When a teen explodes, it’s not about what the parent said or did, or didn’t say or didn’t do. It’s about the struggle the teen is going through, and this needs to be acknowledged.
If a parent “gets into the mud” with the teen, and starts responding to anger with anger, continuing the fight, this shows that the parent doesn’t get it. The parent needs to respect the struggle, not fight back.
2) Don’t take it personally!
A common mistake parents make is to take their teens’ disrespect personally, to feel hurt and offended by it. But once we recognize the קול ענות, that this is about the child’s struggle, and nothing more, we will not feel disrespected.
An angry, disrespectful teen does not mean to be angry and disrespectful. He’s just trying to figure things out. He’s struggling to define himself, to determine his identity. So it’s not about us. It’s about them.
We need to relax. It’s not as big a deal as we might at first think. We need to learn not to take everything so personally.
When the parent asks the teenage daughter where she’s going, and she says, “Why do you care? It’s none of your business!” – she’s not trying to be disrespectful. She still loves and respects her parents. What she’s really saying is, “Look, I love you, but please leave me alone. I’m trying to define myself, and I’m nervous. I’m going to be with friends, and I need to look right, talk right, and act right. I’m very anxious right now. Just let me be.”
This is what we need to hear. We need to see the struggle hiding behind the disrespect.
3) Play along!
Later in the parashah, Hashem tells Moshe that He will forgive Beneh Yisrael and keep them as His chosen nation כי עם קשה עורף הוא – “because they are a stiff-necked nation.”
Amazingly, Hashem here does not say that He will keep us despite our being stubborn, but because we are stubborn!!
Beneh Yisrael’s stiff-necked nature made it difficult in the beginning. It led to some terrible mistakes. But once they grew and developed as a nation, this was a great asset. It became the Jewish People’s most outstanding quality. It’s what enabled us to survive and retain our faith and traditions throughout centuries of hardship and persecution.
The same is true with kids.
Their individualism, their search for their own identity, is their greatest strength. This is what will lead them to achieve in life. It makes it very difficult now, during the process. But this process is what’s going to bring them to a bright, successful future.
And so, like Hashem’s handling of Beneh Yisrael, we need to play along. We need to help them along this process!!
We need to find ways to encourage their individuality. We need to show them that we believe in them, that we respect their strengths.
Maybe we can put the teen in charge of the kitchen. Or in charge of Sunday. Or in charge of a trip. We empower them by working with them to discover their capabilities, instead of just fighting them.
I once taught a group of 18-year-old girls, and at one class I gave them an assignment – to come back a week later with a list of their top five strengths.
The next week, each girl came back with, at most, just one answer!!
How sad!
If kids are only forced to follow the rules all the time, without establishing their own individuality, they’ll never find their strengths which they can then develop.
We need to compliment our kids and encourage them. We need to tell them things like, “Wow, you handled that really well.” “I see what a great friend you are.” “You are really funny – people must really enjoy being around you!” “You’re so dedicated to Torah – that’s amazing!”
Even if they don’t follow every rule, even if they are disrespectful and argue a lot, we still need to encourage them by helping them find their strengths and talents. This is what they need from us!
Our job isn’t to make sure they follow all the rules. Our job is to help them find their strengths.
The Talmud says that the great sage, Hillel, had 80 students, the least accomplished of which was Rabban Yohanan ben Zakkai – who became the leading Rabbi in his generation. Some have explained that although Rabban Yohanan was the least accomplished of Hillel’s students, he rose to greatness because of one particular quality. The Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot says that Rabban Yohanan had five students, and היה מונה שבחן – he used to list their strengths.
Rabban Yohanan was not necessarily the greatest scholar, but he was the greatest leader because he knew how to identify the qualities of his students. This is the most important job of any teacher, and the most important job of any parent – to help the student or child find his strengths.
4) Hard work
The most important message to impress upon our children, more than anything else, is the value of hard work. This is the number one strength that we need to give them.
A group of researchers once conducted a study of two groups of students, both of whom were given a series of puzzles to do, that were appropriate for their grade level. After they completed the puzzles, the first group was told, “You guys did this very well! You are so smart!”
The other group was told, “You guys did this very well! You are such hard workers!”
The students were then given the option to choose either a series of puzzles on the same level of difficulty, or puzzles that were more challenging. Something amazing happened. Most of the kids who were told they were smart chose the puzzles on the same level, and most of the kids who were told they worked hard chose the more challenging puzzles. They had been praised for their hard work, and so they were excited to work harder.
The researchers then gave the two groups puzzles that were on a level two grades higher than their level. The kids who had been praised for being smart began sweating and grew anxious, while the kids in the second group, who had been praised for working hard, were excited and enjoyed it.
The most amazing part of the study, though, was the last stage. The students were then again given puzzles on their grade level – and the kids who were praised for their hard work did 50 percent better than the other group. Their performance was improved by being complimented for working hard!
You can have two people with the same level of intelligence, but one will achieve more if he is excited to work hard and to embrace challenges, as opposed to somebody who has been trained to only do things he’s naturally good at.
We need to assure our kids that they can succeed if they work hard, if they take on challenges. This is likely the greatest gift we can give them – encouragement to work hard!
5) Give them love!
One winter day, my car was stuck in a parking spot on Ocean Parkway, wedged in the snow. I tried pulling out, but the wheels just kept spinning, and I was getting nowhere.
I saw a community man walking in the street, and I asked if he could help. He started pushing the car back and forth, but it wasn’t moving. We then saw a non-Jewish man riding a bicycle, who stopped to help. He said he was determined to do whatever it took to help me. Eventually we flagged down another few people, and together they managed to push the car out of the snowbank.
This felt to me like the best half-hour of my life. Finding myself stuck, it was the greatest feeling to know there were people around me willing and eager to help.
Our teens might seem to reject our love, but they need it. Desperately. They push us away when we try to hug and kiss them, but they need our love and affection more than anything else. They’re nervous and anxious about this process they’re going through, and they need to know that they have us and that we are there for them.
As our teens go through this most challenging period of “shaking free,” they need our love and support. They don’t show it, but this is what they need.
It’s been said that every child needs two things from his or her parents: roots, and wings. Even as we try to keep them rooted, setting boundaries for them, let’s do what we can to give them “wings,” to empower them to find their own skills so they can fly to the greatest heights they can.