Good morning, gentlemen. We're on our 15th segment of the Think Before You Speak series, The Laws of Shemirat HaLashon, with Clarity. Le'ilui Nishmat (for the elevation of the soul) HaChafetz Chaim, dedicated to the Yeshuot (salvations) of our B'nei Chabura (members of the study group), the Yeshuot of Klal Yisrael, as well as the Shemirah Gedolah (great protection) and the Yeshuah Gedolah (great salvation) for Chaim David Dov ben Chai Yisrael (son of).
Today's halacha (Jewish law) is dedicated by a good friend from L.A. Le'ilui Nishmat of his father, Moshe Chaim ben Meir, Ruach HaShem (spirit of Hashem), T'Nichenu B'Gan Eden, Amen (so be it). Le'ilui Nishmat Moshe Chaim ben Meir, zichrono livracha (of blessed memory). Today's halacha is titled “Character Flaws.”
I think everyone would agree that even the best of people have bad days. There are times when we can find ourselves in a tough moment, and a person loses it. They say things that they regret, things they know they should not have said, and they already feel bad about it. Even the best of people have bad moments: a moment of anger, a moment of arrogance. Because of that, I think the halacha we're about to learn is very, very simple. It's forbidden to degrade a person for their character traits or character flaws, like being arrogant or having a bad temper, and to tell that over to others, because maybe you caught the person in a bad moment. Maybe you caught that person on a bad day, and it kind of just slipped out in the wrong place at the wrong time. At that point, the person already regrets it and has already done teshuvah (repentance). They said to themselves, “Oof, how did I say that? How did I do that?”
Because of that, you're not allowed to tell other people about bad character flaws. Maybe, if the person knew how bad it was to have these character traits, they would have bettered themselves. They would be more careful. So instead of speaking against the person, approach them and tell them privately, “Listen, you might not know this, but I need to tell you the severity of bad middot (character traits or character flaws).” That's why you have an opportunity here. Instead of talking about the person to others, saying over Lashon Hara (evil speech), and getting an aveirah (transgression) for it, you have the opportunity to take the person aside, talk to them nicely and with dignity, and explain how they can be better. You'll get a mitzvah (commandment) instead. Hocheach tochiach et amitecha (You shall surely rebuke your fellow).
Here's another point. I'm sure that over the years, everybody remembers either their mother or their father coming up to them at some point and saying, “Hey, stay away from that kid. I don't want you hanging out with that kid.” Or, “Hey, I don't like your circle of friends. Find new friends. Find better people to hang out with.” A person is allowed to come to their child, a friend, or a family member and warn them to stay away from certain people who have character flaws or other things that they don't want to learn from them. As a matter of fact, it's a mitzvah to tell your child to stay away from bad friends. This is provided that you tell the child or the friend and clarify: “The reason I'm allowed to tell you to stay away from that person—because he's not a good influence, because he's arrogant, because he has bad middot—is only because it's for a constructive purpose. I don't want you to learn from them. Otherwise, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you what I'm telling you now.” You need to clarify that.
You see, if you don't, the person will get the wrong example. They'll end up thinking that, instead of telling bad people or telling the bad about others, instead of them getting the constructive message, which is to stay away from bad people with bad character flaws, they're going to get the message that you're allowed to speak Lashon Hara. Therefore, you have to clarify: “I'm only allowed to tell you to stay away from that kid. He has bad middot. He has a bad temper. He has a stealing streak to him. He lies. Stay away from that kid, because I care about you. I don't want you to learn from them. I'm telling you this for a constructive purpose.”
You know, it's interesting. In the same way that we're so on top of our kids, and point out to them who not to befriend, we should be just as quick to point out to them who needs a friend. Over the years, how many times have we had kids in class who had no one to really hang out with? They were outside our clique, sitting alone at recess with no one to talk to. We should be the ones to inspire our kids. In the same way that we're so protective, and point out to them who not to befriend, we should also point out to them who needs a friend.
Thank you for listening.