Years ago, there was a football team in New York called the Football Giants. They’re still around, but years ago they actually knew how to play football. Today, they don’t know what they’re doing. Back in the 80s, the New York Giants won two Super Bowls. They had a coach who would go on to become a superstar Hall of Fame coach.
Here’s what’s interesting about that team, and I remember hearing this years ago: their best player on defense—and I’m not going to say names—was a nutcase. He was out of his mind. He would come late to meetings and was just crazy. He was a crazy football player. He could tackle people like nobody else, but he was crazy in real life too, and he was doing crazy things. The coach famously said, “I treat everybody the same, but the way I treat him the same is by treating him differently. I do not allow anyone to come five minutes late to meetings, but he comes whenever he wants. Not because I give him special treatment, but because that’s the way I treat him. That’s the even treatment that he needs.”
That’s how it works in any environment. If you’re a teacher in a classroom and one kid feels like they’re your favorite, the rest of the class has begun to ignore you, and they won’t listen to you for the rest of the year. If you’re a parent or an in-law and you have grandchildren, and it visibly looks like you love them more than the others, you’re doing a terrible job. There’s no excuse unless there’s a real need and you can articulate that need to everybody else.
If a child is buying a house, and you have three children buying a house, and two of them can afford it but one can’t, don’t just give them the money and call it a day. You’ll have resentment for the rest of your life, even after your life. Instead, you could say, “Guys, it’s very easy for you. This one is hard for—we’re not making it very easy for them. We’re just giving them a certain amount of money just so they could stay above water. Your success is still rewarded because it’s much easier for you, but at least you’re making it feasible for them.” Their situation is different, and therefore they’re receiving something different, but not because our love for them is different. If a child thinks that the love is different, then you as a parent are in terrible shape.