Good morning, everybody. Welcome to Torah Tuesday, our weekly get-together.
Shemirat HaLashon—watching our mouths, how we speak, what we say, who we say it to—is today's subject. In Klal Chet, which in normal books is called Chapter 8, in Seif (section), Yud (10) and Yud Aleph (11), the Chafetz Chaim turns his focus in a different direction. He basically wants to outline for us that Lashon Hara is forbidden, and that people have certain heterim (permissions) in mind that he knows are not correct. For example, whom may I tell some information? To whom may I tell it? I have negative information; I have information that may harm or damage somebody's business or relationships, and I feel there's a select few I'm allowed to talk to, even though it is in effect. Just as we say, when there's To'elet, we can fulfill the seven requirements for... a positive purpose, a constructive purpose. It's still called Lashon Hara, but it's permitted.
So the Chafetz Chaim now, in this chapter, Chet, Klal Chet, turns his focus to whom I am forbidden to speak Lashon Hara. His answer is a little surprising to most. He says, and I quote, “There's no difference regarding this prohibition, whether the listener is one's relative, someone distant, or even one's own wife.” There goes dinner, my friends. Unless it is something of which he must inform her for a constructive purpose. So there's an overlap here. The overlap is that if something is constructive, where I want to prevent harm to somebody, and I know it firsthand, and I'm only telling the minimum, and in a way that will prevent harm to somebody else, there are seven conditions. I don't want to list them now. It's a different class. But that overlaps on top of whom I may speak to.
Let's say it's constructive, but I don't... I do fulfill, then I can speak to anybody. But if it's not constructive, some people feel, “But it's my wife.” I come home for dinner. When I come home from shul (synagogue) in the morning, she asks, “What's happening?” She knows something came up. Something was discussed.
The Chafetz Chaim focuses on a typical situation. He gives an example. A husband comes home. His wife says, “How was your day?” or “What's new in shul?” We get it all the time. He cautions us against using that question as a springboard or a forum for telling his wife about arguments, information he heard about somebody, or unpleasant encounters that happened during the course of his absence from home. His Lashon Hara is even more sensitive than regular Lashon Hara, because in most cases, Baruch Hashem (Blessed is Hashem)—though we have Shalom Bayit (peace in the home) problems too—in most cases, out of loyalty to her husband, his wife will now hold animosity in her heart towards the wrongdoer, the insulter, or the embarrasser. And it might even spread to that person's family, friends, and cohort. Instead of becoming a tidbit of information, it becomes a war. So it discourages even the closest, most confidential people from being the ones who share Lashon Hara.
You know, before there was online email, Instagram, or whatever these other forms of communication are, which I don't do, you found out the news of the overnight in the morning minyan (prayer quorum). This one passed away. This one went to the hospital. This one had an accident. You would get it in shul. And you come home: “What happened?” “Ah, there's a funeral at 10 o'clock.” “What happened?” “This one passed away.” “Ah, this one's...” Personally, I feel like I should be wearing black robes to come home from shul. I made a commitment to myself that maybe you should do the same. I'm not coming home with bad news. Bad news will spread. Somebody else will tell her, but it won't be me.
That training taught me that you don't have to tell everything, even to a confidant, close relative, or business partner, especially if it is categorized as Lashon Hara. Keep it to yourself. If it's going to be found out, it's found out. “Why didn't you tell me?” “I didn't hear.” “Why didn't you tell me?” “I thought you knew.” “Why didn't you tell me?” “I was about to tell you, but something else came up.” There's always a way to skirt the issue of “Why didn't you tell?” But the basic reason for not telling is that you're not allowed to tell Lashon Hara, which is harmful or negative speech, to anybody, including a close confidant. Unless it's for a constructive purpose, which has different requirements.
So the Chafetz Chaim, Darko BaKodesh (his way in holiness), adds a piece of marital advice to this whole issue. He says if a man, on a regular basis, habitually complains to his wife about all the people who don't treat him with respect, all the people who make fun of him, all the people who cause him indignities, then he actually is lowering himself in the eyes of his beloved. But she begins to believe that maybe there's a grain of truth, maybe more than a grain, in what these other people are saying. In Avot de-Rabbi Natan, it says, “Don't speak excessively with a woman.” And then it says, “They're talking about his own personal,” because excessive complaining about how one was treated by others creates a new way of looking by that person, your favorite listener.
Now, there are clearly cases of To'elet, constructive, where a spouse is allowed to relate and, in fact, should share information with his wife or his business partner. One partner can warn another partner about a vendor or a customer: they pay their bills, they don't pay their bills; they have good quality, they have poor quality. But he has to be careful to make sure that there is a purpose, a constructive purpose, in revealing the information.
Now, it's possible to solve the problem, sometimes, without saying anything negative. That's the most suggested strategy. If I could say, “Look, I have this customer, he has his quirks, he's a nice guy, but let me take care of him. Whenever he comes in, find me; I'll be the one to take care of him.” Knowing the shortcomings, or the dishonesty, or whatever it is about this person that makes me feel he's subject to criticism and negative criticism, I didn't tell my partner. I just took over. That will prevent the harm in 99% of the cases. And I've done the minimum to prevent the damage without the Lashon Hara.
But it could be a place to eat. You have to comment on the kashrut (kosher status) of a restaurant. And then she's going to tell her friend, “I don't eat there because my husband said...” Before you know it, there's an out-of-business sign on the restaurant. You've got to be careful. In other words, there are many ways to protect your spouse, your business partner, your associate, from being harmed. There are many ways other than speaking out-and-out Lashon Hara. Just outright Lashon Hara. People or situations can be controlled in a kosher. It might take a little effort. It might take a little sechel (intelligence) or ingenuity, we call it. But they tell us in the books of Musar (ethical teachings) that the dividends of avoiding Lashon Hara and the dividends of protecting somebody without besmirching another are limitless.
That's what's in front of us: an opportunity to do one of the sins which is weighed against the three major give up your life and don't violate Averot (transgressions). Lashon Hara is equal to that—or to avoid Lashon Hara and accomplish what you have to accomplish. Of course, volunteering Lashon Hara with no constructive purpose is not even an issue. Telling it to a stranger or a friend or somebody you happen to see on the corner or in the supermarket is for sure no good. But in a case where it gets sensitive and it's your own spouse or your own business partner, and you want to avoid harm to you and them as well, you have to be careful to know the laws of Lashon Hara.
We appreciate you coming. I want to wish everybody Chag Sameach. For those of you who were on earlier, again, Chag Sameach. And we will resume classes after the Pesach (Passover) holiday. The next non-holiday Tuesday. Baruch Hashem.