Day, 11:45 a.m. This is a weekly session in proper speech, training ourselves to use our mouths properly—not with food, like in this week's parasha, but with proper use of speech. The tongue is an awesome weapon, and it can destroy people's lives and reputations, create machloket fights, and even break up communities.
But there are times when even the most respectful or accommodating people have to speak up. Sometimes a person is a victim of another person's speech, and if they don't speak up, the harm will increase and the damage will multiply. In self-defense, they somehow have to let the person harming them know the facts and stop them.
Now, if it's possible to speak to the person themself in hopes of getting them to stop—“Oh, I didn't mean it. I really like you. I'm your neighbor, I'm your classmate”—it may work, and that would be the first line of defense. But what if a person has to go and, as we often suggest, speak to someone who has influence on this person? It could be their parent, their rabbi, or their business partner. But if the damage is being inflicted regularly without stopping, someone who can stop it must be told.
Can the victim go and tell that person what's obviously true, which doesn't exempt you from Lashon Hara (negative statement)? It's definitely negative, which categorizes that Lashon Hara. Can that person speak to an influential person to get the Lashon Hara to cease?
Now, we've already learned that if someone wronged me, I'm forbidden to tell others about it, and we must assume that my true intention, at least partially, is to get him back or letting others know what he did to me and play my victimhood to the max. Therefore, the Chafetz Chaim says that route is called Lashon Hara. However, he does give us a heter, leniency and permission, to speak this negative statement about another person—which is true and is Lashon Hara—in an attempt to have the wrong corrected.
For example, let's say someone stole something, and the parents or the rabbi could get them to give it back. A person is permitted to speak confidentially to that party, whoever the influencer is, in order to right the wrong. Another example would be verbal abuse. What if there is abuse that's harming a person psychologically, upsetting them and knocking them down emotionally, and that person is likely to continue doing so? Then the people who have influence can be spoken to.
Now, you can't just publicize what he's doing. It's not an Instagram post. It's not the New York Times, if anybody still reads that paper. It's not a way of getting back, but a way of speaking to someone who can help, in spite of the fact that what you're going to tell them is a negative statement, which is true, about another person.
Now, if I learn that someone is preparing to do wrong, to harm a person, and is planning to impact my life negatively, I also have permission to go and see who can stop them from the dastardly deed. I can speak to that person honestly and fairly and let them know, “I've heard, or I have suspicions, or I was able to figure out this is what the person plans to do to me. Can you stop?”
In the past, we've called this type of conversation Lashon Hara. It is a negative statement about another Jew. That's true. It's called Lashon Hara. That is Lashon Hara done l'to'elet, for constructive purpose, or constructively speaking. In other words, I'm not out to hurt somebody. I'm not out to publicize somebody's wrong. I'm out to repair and build, and to get a positive result from the speech. Either fixing them or preventing harm to me or others is called Lashon Hara, l'to'elet.
Now, before the Chafetz Chaim says flat out that you're allowed to do this—which you are—he reminds us that whatever laws apply to Lashon Hara, l'to'elet, apply in such a circumstance as well. What does that mean? Well, we learned before that there are seven specific parameters or restrictions or guidelines—that's the best word—for a person who has to speak Lashon Hara constructively, or for a positive purpose. The Chafetz Chaim says, and I quote, “One must be extremely careful with this license, with the heter, that none of the seven conditions mentioned above be omitted. For he will be extremely careful, he has to be extremely, he will be easily trapped, if he's not careful, in the snare of the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination), through the heter, and will be counted among those who will be considered Ba'al Lashon Hara (master of evil speech).”
Now, just to review, he throws in the seven, and I think that, as many times as I've taught this, it's a necessary, necessary part of speech law to review as often as you can. So let's go through the seven things a person must satisfy, or be guided by, before speaking, even in self-defense and even to prevent somebody else from being harmed.
Number one: The person speaking this Lashon Hara, this constructive speech, must have firsthand knowledge of the negative facts. He can't hear it from somebody else, be warned by somebody else, read it somewhere, or overhear it. He has to have it firsthand. If he overhears it himself, and the person is speaking about his plans, of course, that's firsthand. But he can hear it in a way that's not directly hearing it himself. So he knows that the words are not hearsay; they're fact.
Second, he must be sure that he's interpreting the facts correctly. If anybody feels he's been wronged by another, he's likely right away to miss a key point that would justify the conversation, especially if it pertains to the person listening—the one who would like to speak constructively—because a person doesn't see his own flaws, or he may leave something out.
Number three: If the person will react in a way that worsens the situation. In other words, in the conversation, there was one or two saving grace parts of the story that would make the person you're speaking, about to prevent them from continuing his bad ways to do that. But even though you're trying to prevent him from continuing his bad ways, you're still not allowed to leave out any of the positives that may make him look less wrong or probably even right.
Number four: You can't exaggerate. You can't exaggerate the details. You can't omit something that would make him look good, and you can't make what he did worse than it was. You have to be very, very precise.
Next, it must be purely l'to'elet. Now, this is one of the hardest parts of the halakha (laws). To'elet means constructive purpose. But in many, many cases, a person has a personal interest or negative feelings about somebody, so now they're not acting purely. They're acting taintfully, and that's not allowed. It becomes regular Lashon Hara. You're not allowed to speak it.
And here's a very important point, number six. If you can effect the solution without telling anybody, without approaching the helper you have in mind to speak to, you're better off. You're supposed to do it without speaking Lashon Hara. Lashon Hara is only permitted if it's the only way to solve the problem.
And number seven: One must be sure that no damage that is not sanctioned by halakha will befall the person who is initially the wrongdoer. But you don't want to replace him by doing wrong yourself. If you're going to do wrong and create a situation where your statements, meant to be constructive, positive, and protective, turn damaging, harmful, or financially negative for a person, then even though that person did speak Lashon Hara, you've now joined him in the wrongdoing column.
So again, if a person finds out firsthand that something negative is going to be done or said about them, or that it's hurtful or financially damaging, and he wants to stop it, may he speak to somebody? Yes, he may, if there's no other way to stop it. If there is another way to stop it, that's your option. If there's no other way to stop it but to speak to somebody—someone who might be able to influence this person to stop doing what they're doing or prevent them from doing it for the first time—then you're allowed to speak to them, so long as you follow all seven rules of constructive Lashon Hara, l'to'elet: speech that has a positive meaning, to'elet, speech that has a positive purpose, even though it's Lashon Hara. In those cases, if you can fulfill all seven, go right ahead and prevent the damage. If you cannot fulfill all seven, the speaker who's trying to do good turns out to be the one who's speaking Lashon Hara.
Take a little break now. We'll be back approximately 12 noon to give you another talk related to this week's parasha, parashat Re'eh.