The Sefer Chafetz Chaim by Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan HaKohen discusses many situations of Lashon Hara (negative speech) and Rechilut (harmful speech). In the laws of Rechilut, he reveals to us that there are people who feel they have heterim (permissions) that don't fit under the guidelines for what's bad speech, negative speech, or harmful speech because of whom they're speaking with, what they're speaking about, and the timing—whether people know it or not. There's one very common situation that people should be aware of and avoid as much as possible. Married couples mistakenly think that they have a heter to pass information back and forth between each other, and that it would not be considered Lashon Hara or Rechilut.
You may go from the standpoint that a person leaves his mother and father, joins together with a spouse, and they become like one. I guess talking to yourself may not be Lashon Hara to those people. But the fact of the matter is, they are wrongly assuming that because their lives are so intertwined, it's important for each half of the couple to know everything the other knows. Rechilut applies even between a husband and a wife. Lashon Hara certainly applies when a husband is speaking to his wife or a wife to her husband.
We see in the episode of Korach that he came home from work and she said, “Look at you, what happened?” He came back and revealed what happened that day. Now he's talking to his wife, and he talked about the challenge to Moshe, the jealousy he had because of what he felt was mismanagement on Moshe's part by appointing a younger cousin to a position of honor in the tribe of Levi. In the end, just talking to his wife, he ended up in the famous Pi Ha'aretz, which we talked about this morning, one of the ten things created: va'tiftach ha'aretz et piha (And the earth opened its mouth)—miraculously, the mouth of the earth. He didn't die in an earthquake. There was no rubble. The land opened up like a mouth. It sucked everything in from all over, and then it closed again as if nothing happened.
Pi Ha'aretz—it was Korach's wife who incited him to rebel. She convinced him that Moshe had personal motives in mind, chas v'shalom (God forbid), in appointing his brother Aaron as the Kohen (priest) and in appointing his cousin as the Nasi (leader). So it was between husband and wife, but it was very destructive. Speech that causes harm, pain, suffering, or financial loss is, in fact, Rechilut.
On the other hand, of course, On ben Pelet didn't show up because his wife took a different approach. His wife said, “What good is it to you, this fight? If Moshe wins, Moshe is the king. If Korach wins, Korach is the king. No matter who wins, you're still where you were before.” The wisdom of his wife saved him. That would be a private conversation of wisdom, not a private conversation riling him up unjustifiably against the person he spoke about. Chochmot Nashim Banta Beitah. The wisdom of women, spouse, can build a house, and the opposite is the silliness and the foolishness and the jealousies.
You know, a person comes home from work and doesn't look so happy. They sit down to dinner, and he's got a long face. She says, “What happened? Why do you look so sad?” He says, “Oh, my boss, he doesn't appreciate me. Or my manager, I don't know how he talks to me. Or he said something about me in front of other people, and everybody laughed.” What is he saying? Negative statements, revealing information. That will create bad feelings. And she riles him up in return, or maybe loses respect for him. It's Rechilut.
The story is told of a man who discovered, or uncovered, that his business partner of many years cheated him out of some money. This man wanted to wage war. He wanted to break up the partnership. A friend he confided in convinced him: “You'll go home, you'll tell your wife what he did, and she'll blast you, and she'll blast him, and this wife will fight with that wife, and before you know it, you have World War III. Take my advice,” he said. “Sit down with your partner without raising your voice and try to work it out. Or call an impartial mediator and settle it.” The man accepted the advice, and rather than hard feelings, he ended up breaking up the partnership—or solving. What's the difference? They avoided hard feelings, and they avoided negative talk.
The fact that it's private between a husband and wife is not a heter. In effect, you are two people, and there is a speaker and there is a listener. If it happens to be negative speech that is true, or negative speech that causes harm, it's Lashon Hara. If it happens to be negative speech or factual speech that raises bad feelings between people, it's Rechilut. And that also could cause harm with broken partnerships, ruined businesses, and so on.
So it's very important to understand that the only time you have a right to reveal things is when it's leto'elet (a positive purpose). And we discussed to'elet, a positive purpose, several times already, which means it's to protect the one you're speaking to from the negative trait or negative behavior of the person you're speaking about. And in order to do that, it's not so simple. Chafetz Chaim, as I mentioned so many times before, especially in this class, has seven requirements before you can speak negatively to one person about another, even for a positive purpose. Some would be: you have to know it firsthand. Another is that you're not allowed to exaggerate. Another is that you have to make sure you're not speaking from any animosity, built-in competition, or feelings about the other person. Cold facts to protect the person from damage from another that you know firsthand. Say the minimum. There are so many things that surround it.
And without a constant study of the items for to'elet and practicing them, it's better not to speak to people about people—not even privately at home with the closest person to you: your wife, your brother, your sister, your son, or your daughter. It's still Lashon Hara. And if the circumstances are Rechilut, it's still Rechilut.