Good morning again. It’s Torah Tuesday. We have our 11.45 brief session about proper speech on Rosh Hashanah. Those who follow the cycle of the daily Sefer Chafetz Chaim and have an opportunity to complete the entire Sefer three times every year would now be on day 33 and day 34. At this point, the Chafetz Chaim is already deep into the laws of proper speech. He had a long introduction explaining why it’s so important. He had a section on what other positive and negative commandments might be violated as an adjunct to improper speech. Then he had the blessings and curses that come with proper speech and, of course, improper speech. Then he started with the laws of Lashon Hara (improper speech).
When we get to chapter 2, Klal Bet (Rule Two), as he calls it—he doesn’t call them chapters—we see one of the principles that comes up on Dalet Cheshvan (fourth of Cheshvan), which happens to be today’s date. If you’ve ever been in a group where they start to discuss an individual, once they get into it—some people call that discussing in depth or going beyond the surface—you’ve probably seen a human impulse. It’s very natural: amateur psychoanalysis. If I were to say, “This person did this, and I feel it’s very improper that anybody should do such a thing,” well, okay, that’s fine. But amateur psychoanalysis is when I start to go behind the actual deed, not only to the motives but to the causes. This is very dangerous when it comes to the laws of Lashon Hara. I talk about a person’s faults or problems, and then an extended psychoanalysis begins: It’s his mother’s fault. If you knew his mother, you would know it’s his father’s fault, his teacher’s fault, his Rebbe’s (rabbi or teacher) fault. Suddenly, a simple, illegal, negative statement about somebody’s past starts to include other people and other conversations, adding things beyond what the person themselves actually did. The armchair analysis seems to need discussion until it’s complete. Everybody has an opinion, everybody has an idea, everybody has something to add, until we analyze every member of the immediate family, every teacher, everything that happened to this person that might bring about this negative thing they said or did.
Now the Torah tells us that, under the laws of Lashon Hara, it’s forbidden to discuss past transgressions—not of a man, not of a woman, not of their family. Faults are off base if they’re in the past. There’s more than one way this could take place. One is: “Did you know her mother? I knew her, and if you knew her mother, you would know why she is this way. It reveals a lot about her.” That statement in and of itself is very serious Lashon Hara. Quite the contrary, and less obviously, a person might give what we call a backhanded compliment. What do you mean by a backhanded compliment? I want to bring up a person’s past and let you know what it was like before. Somebody may say something nice, commendable, or complimentary about somebody, and the backhand—I say, the backhanded compliment—is: “If you would have known them five years ago, or if you would have known them growing up, you’d be amazed that they could ever even do this. It’s just awesome how far he’s come.” What a backhanded slap in the face! Even if the person’s less-than-admirable past is well known, his family wasn’t like this, he wasn’t like this, he wasn’t always a tzaddik (righteous person), and he wasn’t always Shomer Shabbat (observant of Shabbat). He was always studious and learned Torah, but emphasizing that the person has come a long way from where they were in mitzvah (commandment) observance, in Torah learning, or in chesed (kindness)—that simple statement is a backhanded compliment; it’s Lashon Hara.
So the Chafetz Chaim is going to go on from here to discuss, especially at the end of the Sefer he brings it up separately, what to do when a shidduch (match proposal) is suggested, a bashert we call it, a match. And information is needed and clarity is important. Generally, when it comes to negative information about the family or negative information about the past, unless it has a direct bearing on the potential success of the marriage with this particular person, it has to be left out. It’s a very, very touchy, very, very sensitive type of decision to make: Is this actually going to affect the success of the marriage? Or, if they don’t know and find out later, as we say in Brooklyn, “It ain’t going to make a difference”? Therefore, I have to leave it out.
The Torah judges statements concerning one’s past according to the impact they’ll have upon the person hearing them. If past information will cause people to lower their opinion, cancel employment, walk away from a match or potential marriage, or destroy a partnership of any type, that impact better be justified. Because if it’s not, and we could have lived without it, then the Lashon Hara is a damaging statement and very serious in the Torah’s view.
Sometimes we have a thing called To’elet, which we’ve spoken about many times in this particular class: constructive criticism, you want to help or information that has a positive effect, because now that somebody knows this, they’ll behave defensively or properly. But as we’ve discussed so many times here in this particular Lashon Hatov proper speech class, when you’re going to give information for a positive, constructive purpose, there are rules that must be followed. There are actually seven requirements that must be fulfilled to allow you to let somebody know negative information that may affect their decision. Some of them are that you must know firsthand. It can’t be just haki (something you heard); it’s something you verified. You must have no personal animosity that might enhance it or prompt you to say it when it wasn’t really necessary. There are many different conditions, but those specific conditions for To’elet must all be fulfilled—all seven—before you can speak negative information, even for To’elet.
So we make what’s called the Kol Sheken, Kal Vachomer: How much more so must we be careful when there is an absence of justification? There is no reason for this person to know this. Your glee at the way they react, your sense of “I knew something you don’t know,” and the thought that now you respect me because I told you—that is a sin, and it’s unacceptable. That’s the basis for the laws of Lashon Hara: constructive negative information under the conditions outlined by the Sefer is permitted; constructive information for other reasons, or information tainted by other reasons, is not permitted. Asur (not permitted).
So when we talk about past misdeeds, we have to be careful how we say it. We can’t say, “Look how far he’s come,” because that means I know something you don’t know about how bad he really was, and I’m telling you now, “Hey, guess what? He’s not like he used to be. Guess what, his father wasn’t such a Torah-observing person. I can’t believe this guy came from such a family.” Those types of backhanded compliments are Lashon Hara.