Welcome, everybody. Tonight, we are studying Parashat Hayei Sarah (the life of Sarah). Parashat Hayei Sarah contains 105 Pesukim (verses). Kuf Heh Pesukim. 105 Pesukim in Parashat Hayei Sarah. It’s interesting to note that this is the parasha in which Sarah Imeinu passes away. Meanwhile, the title of the parasha is Hayei Sarah. I mean, you would think maybe the name of the parasha should have been the next few words in the parasha: Vatamot Sarah (And Sarah died). Right? That’s Pasuk Bet (verse two) of the parasha. It starts with the words Vatamot Sarah. You know, we think that’s what the name should be. After all, it’s the parasha in which Sarah Imeinu passes away, not Parashat Hayei Sarah.
Like I said, there are 105 Pesukim in the parasha. The first 20 Pesukim out of the 105 discuss Avraham Avinu trying to find a burial place for Sarah Imeinu. The next 67 Pesukim in the parasha discuss Avraham Avinu sending Eliezer to try to find a shidduch (match) for his son, for Yitzhak. So it’s pretty interesting. The majority of the parasha—which means the first 20 Pesukim and then 67, which is 87 Pesukim out of the parasha—discusses what Avraham Avinu was trying to do with either Sarah or Yitzhak. It’s the majority of the parasha. It’s 87 Pesukim out of 105 Pesukim. What’s the lesson behind this? What’s the Torah trying to teach us over here?
There’s a misconception out there. Most people think that chesed (kindness) is when it’s done outside of the home. But if a person is doing chesed with his spouse—husband helping his wife, wife helping her husband, helping the children, taking the children on errands, taking them to the doctor, husband helping out his wife in the home, doing some errands, doing some chores—the tendency is to think this is not chesed. No chesed. A mommy taking her child to the doctor is chesed.
There was once a kollel, a rabbi learning in a kollel. In the middle of the afternoon, during the second seder, the student gets up to leave. His Rosh Kollel (head of the kollel) calls him. He says, “Where are you going? We’re still in the middle of learning. It’s the afternoon session. Where are you going?” The student says, “Rabbi, my wife is not feeling well. She’s been in bed for two days. My baby, who’s now not feeling well, is sick. I’ve got to take him to the doctor.” The rabbi says, “Okay, great. Do you know where you’re going?” The student says, “Yeah, I know exactly where I’m going. I’ve done this in the past. I know, whatever. I go there, this tree, hope, that tree, number, whatever.” The rabbi says, “No, no, no. Do you know where you’re going?” The student says, “Yeah, Rabbi, I know where I’m going. I’m going to the doctor. I know exactly where it is.” The rabbi asks, “Do you know where you’re going? Do you know what you’re going to do?” The student says, “I know exactly what I’m going to do. What are you asking?” The rabbi says, “No, no, you don’t understand what I’m asking you. Do you know that you are now going to do a mitzvah (commandment) of chesed?” So the student looks at him and says, “Rabbi, I told you I’m going to take my son to the doctor.” The rabbi says, “I heard what you said. And I’m telling you, taking your child to the doctor is an act of chesed.”
People don’t understand that chesed is not just if you’re doing chesed with your neighbors, with a community member. It’s not just if you’re on Hatzalah. Hashem should bless them all. They go and they help others. It’s not just if you’re in some sort of organization in the community that helps others, and you go out and sit in meetings and help people. Hashem should bless them too. But that’s not just chesed. On the contrary, chesed must be given priority in the home: a husband helping out his wife, a wife helping out her husband, and helping out the children. That is the real, real chesed.
I’m sure you’ve heard the line they say: chesed starts at home. It doesn’t end at home. We’re obligated to do chesed with our friends and with people outside, but chesed definitely starts at home. If you have a person who only does chesed outside, but neglects his spouse and children, that’s not true chesed. That’s an indication that he’s doing it for recognition. After all, when a person does chesed in the home, he doesn’t really get acknowledged. There are no plaques. Every time you walk in the house, if you’re a good husband, your wife doesn’t put a plaque on the wall that says, “Husband of the Month.” You don’t get that. But when a person goes out and helps others, people acknowledge it. People talk about you. “Wow, wow.” You get a lot of wows.
The parasha here is teaching us something important. Look at Avraham Avinu: the majority of this parasha, he was involved in the mitzvah of chesed. Whether it is the first 20 Pesukim—the first 20 Pesukim of the parasha—which talk about him finding a burial place for his wife. That’s chesed. Him trying to find a shidduch for his son. 67 Pesukim are designated and dedicated in the parasha to Avraham Avinu finding a shidduch, looking for his son. That’s chesed.
Why is the title of the parasha Hayei Sarah, the life of Sarah? Because someone might say, “You know what? I wonder: during her lifetime, was Sarah Imeinu neglected by Avraham Avinu? Was Yitzhak neglected by Avraham? After all, Avraham Avinu was a man of chesed.” As we know, like it says, “Titen emet leYaakov (You will give truth to Jacob), chesed leAvraham (Chesed was to Avraham).” Chesed was to Avraham. Avraham Avinu was known for his coins, for his acts of kindness, for his philanthropists. He was a very wealthy man. I’m sure he helped people with money. He gave to people, helped people. He fed people. He gave people what they need. Was this at the expense of Sarah Imeinu? Was this at the expense of his children?
So this parasha comes and tells you, well, what do you see from this parasha? Don’t you see that the majority of this parasha—87 out of the 105 Pesukim—what’s the priority? What is it talking about? Primarily, it’s talking about Avraham doing chesed at home, with Sarah and with Yitzhak. That is an indication that that was the entire life of Sarah, Hayei Sarah. Meaning, if you want to know what the life of Sarah Imeinu looked like, what Hayei Sarah was, what was her life? Was her life one where her husband did chesed outside and neglected her? He didn’t really give her much attention. He was barely at home. She didn’t have enough time. He didn’t prioritize the chesed in the home. So the Torah comes and tells you, well, you want to know what type of life Sarah Imeinu had? You don’t want to know what Hayei Sarah was? Go learn parasha Hayei Sarah and you’ll see. You learn parasha Hayei Sarah, what do you see? You see that the majority of the Pesukim in this parasha talk about Avraham doing chesed at home. That is what the Torah is trying to teach you. Avraham Avinu prioritized Sarah throughout her life—Hayei Sarah. Her entire life, she received the treatment, and Avraham Avinu prioritized her and her child, just the way you see it in this parasha.
So that’s a very important lesson in how a person is supposed to approach the mitzvah of chesed. He has to realize that chesed begins at home. If a person has hours in his day that he could contribute and help other people, he has to realize that he has to make sure those hours are not at the expense of his wife and children. A person’s wife and children come first. And this is what this parasha is teaching us. We’re learning from Avraham Avinu that when it comes to chesed, first and foremost, chesed begins at home.
A person should not think that if he’s helping his wife—if his wife asks him, “Could you please go to the supermarket? I’m about to make dinner, and I completely forgot to buy. I need a bottle of vinegar, and I totally forgot it. Could you please go get it? I was just out all day. Could you go?”—by going, he’s not just fulfilling his husband’s obligations, his fatherly obligations. Perhaps he is, but it’s more than that. It’s a mitzvah of chesed.
When a husband asks his wife for a favor, to do something for him—“Could you go to the store? I’m at work. Okay, if you pass by the bookstore, buy me—I need this sefer, I need something”—and she goes and does it, it’s not just a spousal obligation she needs to fulfill. It’s not just a motherly obligation to the children. It’s chesed. In Shamayim (Heaven), it’s counted as chesed. And therefore, a person should make sure to make that a priority in his life, to make sure to do chesed with the ones that really love him most.
You know, sometimes you’ll do chesed with a lot of people out there in the world, and then one day you just get disappointed because these people forget the chesed that you did for them. Or sometimes even worse: sometimes they just backstab you. And the ones that you love and the ones that love you most, we tend to neglect them. The ones that know how to show you love and show that they care for you, we tend to forget about them. Chesed must be done at home. If you’re able to increase that chesed and do more for others on the outside, that’s great. It’s a great thing to do. But we have to make sure chesed is done at home.
HaKadosh Baruch Hu, the Borei Olam, should help us, give us the opportunity to do chesed. Rami Hashem, give us the opportunity to do chesed the right way. The way of Avraham Avinu, alav hashalom (peace be upon him), alav hashalom. Have a wonderful night, everybody.