Welcome, everyone. Our rabbis say that it is always proper to begin by speaking in praise of the host. For me, that is a very easy thing to do today. The host and hostess are my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, Sylvia and Sonny Lignato. Sylvia and Sonny always have the doors of their home wide open. From the days when I was a new bride, I was one of those people who came around their table and watched people come and stay, taking in how they sat as a family, and yet everyone who sat at the table felt like family, too. So many people over the years have become family and then gone out and built homes modeled on the family they saw in Sylvia and Sonny’s home.
But they don’t open their home only to individuals. They open their home to institutions as well, and Shaare Torah is one of them. I don’t know how many years it’s been. You know, the years go one into the other. I stopped counting, maybe on purpose. But I remember the first days of Shaare Torah and how excited Sonny and Sylvia were, and how they did everything they could from the very inception to make Shaare Torah a success.
I hope that today will also be a very big success for Shaare Torah. Thank you to everyone who worked and who was a part of the day. Beautiful days like this look so comfortable, so relaxed, so easy, as if they just happened to fall into place. But anyone who’s ever worked on a bake sale knows that it’s not like that at all; it’s tons of work. So thank you to everyone who was a part of it. May Hashem reward you as only He can.
It’s been 13 years now. Actually, it was in the year I was mourning my father, alav hashalom. It’s been 13 years now since I’m focused on the topic of Shalom Bayit (peace in the home). It’s a topic that I love. It’s a topic that I love to speak about. When I was speaking to my sister-in-law Sylvia, when she asked me to speak at the bake sale, she said, “Don’t break your head. Just talk about Shalom Bayit. Everybody loves to hear about it.” Everybody loves to hear about it, and I love to talk about it.
But it’s not a simple topic. As light and delightful and enjoyable as it is, it’s not a simple topic at all. It’s a subject whose value is so desired, and yet underestimated, and whose depth is not fathomed. Within the topic of Shalom Bayit, it was difficult for me to decide which part to talk about. Over the years, the course has grown and grown and grown, and now it’s a full-fledged course. You have to sign up for a full-fledged course. You don’t have to sign up. But I decided that there’s limited time today, and I’ll try to tackle little things, limited things.
So I’m going to give you a list today of little things that are really not so little at all. Don’t let their simplicity deceive you, because when it comes to Shalom Bayit, what seems like a very small change makes a very big difference. When it comes to Shalom Bayit, nothing is small.
The topic of today I call “tools to make yours...” When we were first dating, if you can remember back, I see some very newlywed faces and some very professional faces. I see my mother’s face. I see some very professional faces. But when we were first dating, we had that excitement of the newness of the relationship, of discovering somebody new, of having somebody very important in your life, and your whole life lit up because this person came into your life.
That’s not supposed to be only for the bride and groom. When we get married under the chuppah (wedding canopy), the rabbis bless us, “Sameach tesamach re'im ahuvim.” Hashem should make you happy, loving friends. Their statement, calling the chatan (groom) and kallah (bride) loving friends, is not just a title for the bride and groom. It’s a title for the husband and wife forever. That’s what bride and groom are supposed to be, and that’s what husband and wife are supposed to be. That’s what we have the potential to become, and that’s what Hashem wants us to become. It’s up to us to create that kind of relationship.
No one should think, “Ah, stuck is stuck. I’ve made so many mistakes already.” It’s up to us to create that kind of relationship. And here are some tools to make yours. Number one: Build trust.
There is a concept in Judaism of Shana Rishona, the first year that a couple gets married. There are Halachot (Jewish laws) that apply specifically during the first year that you’re married: the Shana Rishona. People refer to it as Shana Rishona. What is Shana Rishona? It’s not that the chatan and kallah, the husband and wife, have to spend more time together. The husband has to free himself up. He can’t be away an unlimited amount of time. He should stay home with his wife and spend time with his wife. What’s the concept behind that? That the couple should meld together, that they should become one, that they should be connected. What’s the essential ingredient that makes that connection? The fact that each one knows that the other is there for them. You have to build trust.
So let me focus on women. What’s our job now? Even if you didn’t accomplish your shana, when I got married, nobody told me that. I didn’t do that when I got married. It’s never too late to have a shana di shana. How do you do that? By focusing on your partner. Get your husband this message: You are the most important person in my life. Figure out how to do it, even if you have to say it—and you should say it—but in a very special way. Build trust. Let him know that you’re going to be there for him through thick and thin. You’re there.
Number two: Build his confidence. And, of course, these both work both ways. You must have noticed that confident people are much easier to live with. They don’t get insulted. They’re not so sensitive. They let things roll. Most of us got the basis of our confidence in our parents’ home. For many people, that’s where it ends. But it doesn’t have to, and it shouldn’t. A husband and wife should feed each other confidence. And you can actually build each other up. Then life becomes so much easier and so much more pleasant.
That means, how do you build confidence? Say nice things. And many women don’t think—I’ll tell you the truth: I call women cheapskates. Women are very big cheapskates. To get compliments, they love them. It’s a must. I need it, I need it, I live on it. To give compliments, to whom? My kids? Who, him? I had one girl tell me—I think you were there for the question—“Like what?” She said, “I think, like, what am I complimenting him on? Like what?” She had no idea. And we can live, but how many of us are guilty? You mean, I don’t think he wants it. Or he doesn’t like it. He’s not comfortable with it. He doesn’t need it. Or what? Like what? Like what? Like, “Thank you for that check you gave me. Thank you for coming home on time. Thank you for taking such good care of us. You look so handsome today.” He doesn’t want to hear that, you think? “I’ll feel ridiculous. He’ll feel ridiculous.” Don’t fool yourself. He wants to hear it. Build each other’s confidence.
This morning I heard Hacham Baruch speak about chesed, that we should bestow kindness. Start at home and start with your other half.
Number three: Give respect. Now, of course, treating your partner with respect goes both ways. But when it comes to respect, it’s heavy-handed for the men. Meaning, respect for men is like air to breathe. And if you haven’t figured that out yet, then your marriage is definitely in pain, off-kilter. Rambam speaks about marriage and the proper balance in marriage. And Rambam says that a woman should honor her husband too much, yoter midei. Why is that? Was Rambam looking to put women down? We’re all women’s lovers now. We’re all ready to fight. What do you mean, so much respect? Why would Maimonides say so much respect for a man? It’s built into the nature that God gave him. We’re sitting here in this beautiful natural setting, and you see how the waves come up on the ocean. That’s just the way the world works. This is just the way God created the world. God created the world so that a man needs respect from his wife more than from anybody else. And if he’s not getting it, your marriage is off-kilter for sure. He needs it like air to breathe. He needs to feel that he’s in the lead role in the relationship and that his wife thinks highly of him.
Number four. I feel that this number, when it comes to our community, really doesn’t need emphasis, but yet I’m going to say it a different way. Number four is: Look good when you’re with him. Thank God, this is one thing that we’ve got down pat. Our community looks great. But does your husband know that you’re doing it for him, or does he think that you’re doing it because you’re going to Norwood just to go to the grocery store? Does he know that it’s for him? If he knows that you’re dressing for him, then you’ve got it right. Prepare yourself.
Number five: Prepare yourself before he comes home. Take a minute to look in the mirror and see how it looks. Does it look great because I spent the day on the beach? That doesn’t look—I don’t want to make gold descriptions here. Take a minute to prepare yourself before he comes home, and if you can do it in a way that he knows it was specifically for him, you’ve graduated with honors.
There’s a story in the Gemara about Abba Chilkiya. Abba Chilkiya was considered possibly the most righteous man in his generation. There was a drought in Eretz Yisrael in his day, and the rabbis decided, “We’re going to ask Abba Chilkiya to pray for rain for us. Hashem will answer his prayers.” On the day they went looking for him, he wasn’t to be found anywhere. Finally, they found him working in the field. As they approached him and began to speak to him, he wouldn’t answer them. They waited and followed him home. When they followed him home, they saw certain very interesting things, which they later asked him about.
When he got home, they saw that as he approached his home, his wife came out to greet him, and she was all dressed up. They went into the home, the husband and wife, and then the Rabbanim (rabbis) followed in afterward. As Abba Chilkiya went into his home, he turned to his wife and said, “There’s a delegation of rabbis following us. They’re coming in to speak to us to ask us to pray for rain. Let’s pray before they come.” So the Gemara says that each one stood in a corner and prayed, and when they finished praying, the rain clouds could already be seen in the sky. But they were coming from the direction where his wife was standing. Which means that, as great as the tzaddik (righteous person) is, his wife’s prayers were answered first.
And the Gemara answers and asks: What was her zechut (merit)? What was so special about this woman? And the answer is in her preparing herself for her husband.
When the delegation of rabbis came and said, “We came to ask you to pray for rain,” Abba Chilkiya said, “You don’t need me to pray for rain. Look, there are clouds in the sky already.” They understood what had happened, so they said, “Rabbi, before we take leave of you, we want to ask you some questions, please. When we came to speak to you in the field, why wouldn’t you speak to us?” He said, “When I’m employed, my time belongs to my employer. I can’t take time out to talk to you. That would be stealing.”
“And, Rabbi, when you came home, you carried your bundle so awkwardly, like this. Why don’t you fling it over your shoulder? It would have made the whole bundle lighter.” He said, “The clothes I wear when I work don’t belong to me, and if I flung the package over my shoulder, it might fray the garment. I can’t do that, so I carried it home awkwardly.”
Why do I tell you the details of the story? So you should know who the man was. And when he came home—“When you came home, Rabbi, your wife got all dressed up and came out to greet you.” He answered, “So that I shouldn’t put my eye on another woman.”
Now you hear a story like this and you think, “A man who’s worried about fraying somebody else’s garment or who won’t exchange a word for fear of theft—is he the type of man whose wife should have to give it a second thought?” But there are certain things that are built into nature. And don’t be so naive. There are certain things built into nature. It’s a wife’s responsibility to look good for her husband. And her credit, Hashem knows how to give credit.
Number six: Greet him when he comes home. I call this one “ten smiling seconds.” The big ones for brides: ten smiling seconds. The first time he sees your face, it should be with a smile. “Hi.”
Number seven: Hellos and goodbyes are very, very important. That means first he sees your smile, and then from the general mood, he knows that you’re sincerely happy he’s home. You don’t know what a boost that is to him. Whatever he’s done during the day, even if he took a day off, if he knows that it makes a difference to his wife whether he’s home or not, and that she prefers that he’s home and is happy to see him, that’s the mood he should get. And goodbyes, too. If you can, send him off with a smile and a blessing: “Have a good day. Hashem should help you with everything you do. Hashem should bless everything you do. It should go easily for you. Everything should be successful. Come home soon.”
Number eight: When your husband comes home, hang up the phone. That’s part of greeting him. Picture the scene. It needs its own number. The husband comes home, and the wife is on the phone. And you should know this: I heard this from Rabbi Diamond thirteen years ago. Wife comes home and she's on the phone, and she happens to be relaxing, and her friend is telling a hilarious story, and then she hangs up. Just, he says, “Hi, how are you?” “Fine. I had a very busy day. I had a hard day.” What did that husband think? He’s actually jealous of the relationship she has with her friends.
On the other hand, if you hang up—and you don’t have to say, “I think my husband’s here, the monster’s here.” Not that. But, “So, you know what? My husband just came home. I want to take care of him. I’m going to be with him now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Hang up.
One of my all-time favorite students told me that she loved this number and saw that it worked so well. Every time she said that, she saw her husband sort of stand up a little straighter and feel sort of good about himself. She said, “It works so well. Why do I have to wait if I’m on the phone?” Instead, when she hears the key go in the door, sometimes she runs to the phone and picks it up. She sits on the phone, and then as soon as he runs in the door, she goes, “Oh, you know what? I have to hang up now. My husband’s home. I’ll speak to you later.” She looks out of the corner of her eye, and there he is.
You know what that is? King Solomon says, “Chochmat nashim banta beitah.” The wisdom of a woman built her home. The wisdom of a woman built her home. That’s wisdom. But the end of the verse that nobody knows is, “But a foolish woman, she kills her own Shalom Bayit.” It doesn’t happen by itself. If you don’t have it, you have to stop shifting the blame. And you have to look at yourself.
Number nine: Try not to get on the phone during dinner. Try very hard to talk after dinner. Dinner time, according to what’s in your home, is either family time or couple time. But it’s a time when you connect, and the phone really shouldn’t be a part of it.
Number ten: The first ten minutes should be ten relaxing minutes. So we have ten smiling seconds, and then we have ten relaxing minutes. Now, even though it’s very important that you share your day and he hears all the details of what went on, for the first ten minutes, hold it in. For the first ten minutes, treat him like you treat a guest. “Hi, are you home? Hi, honey, are you home? Come in, dinner will be ready in two minutes. Honey, I’ll be right downstairs. I’ll be right there.” So he knows it made a difference in your life. Your voice has a slightly upbeat tone to it. For those ten minutes, when you come to see him, treat him like a guest: “You want to eat?” I may do this with a smile. He’s going to hear, “Do you know what your son did today?” later, but not during the first 10 minutes.
Number 11: Dinner should be on time. For most men, dinner on time probably means within 5 minutes of his arrival home. Now, I know that this sounds like something you don’t need Carol Haber to come to Deal and tell you. But in certain marriages, it can get to be a real problem. Certain scheduling, where I want to finish putting the kids to bed. If I stop, if they come down—
I want to tell you about one marriage my husband was dealing with. The husband was going crazy because he had to wait for dinner. There were such fights over there. It wasn’t even dinner on time, the whole package. But this one thing made him crazy. Finally, my husband advised this man, “Get something to eat before you come home.” So the guy would go to the deli every night, buy himself a frank, and then he came home, sat down, and watched the news until she came downstairs 45 minutes later. The house calmed down. He probably put on a lot of weight, but the house calmed down.
These things I’m telling you sound so little, but they’re not little. One girl approached me years ago and told me, “You know what? If there had been a change, my whole marriage would change.” I was very interested. “What changed? What affected you?” She said, “You know what? Ten relaxing minutes used to make my husband crazy, because as soon as he came in the door, I attacked him with my problems. Those ten relaxing minutes changed my whole marriage.” Don’t underestimate the little things.
Number 11: Sit with him for dinner. Even if you ate earlier, leave the place setting there, the placemat. Sit with him. It’s a sharing time. It’s a connecting time. When I hear that the husband eats dinner and the wife doesn’t come downstairs, I think to myself, “Excuse me, but what is he, the hadamim? He’s sitting in the corner, he’s eating?” Sit with him for dinner.
Number twelve. You know, I never told you where I got the list from. Many of these things on the list I collected from the rabbis in our community. When I decided 13 years ago that I wanted to focus on Shalom Bayit, I went and interviewed the rabbis. I asked them, “Tell me what I have to know. Tell me about this topic. What do I know? Am I the expert? I’m not the expert. Tell me, Rabbi, what I have to know.” Many of these things are from the rabbis in our community. Otherwise, they’re from rabbis in Israel or from the books on the topic, but everything you hear here has a Torah source.
Number 12 is: Don’t surprise him unless you’re making him a surprise birthday party, which is very touching. Husbands generally like to know in advance when there’s going to be a change in the schedule. They like to gear themselves for it. So if you decide, “I’m much too tired to cook. I think we should go out to dinner,” for example, it’s much better to call him up wherever he is during the day and say, “Honey, what do you think if we go out to dinner? I’m so in the mood for dinner.” He’ll probably say, “Okay, you want? Okay, fine. I’ll tell you what time. I’ll tell you this time is better for me,” and it’s done.
Whereas, paint the other picture. You plan to go out to dinner. He comes home feeling, “I’m going to come home and just relax, sit and relax.” And he comes home to get the news: “We’re going out with two other couples. They’re picking us up in ten minutes.” It’s a whole different thing. He has to gear himself for it. Don’t surprise him. Prepare him. Dum-da-dum-dum.
In-laws. The rabbis had different things to say about in-laws. The first instruction I was ever given was this: “What your parents want most of all is to see that you’re happily married. If your husband’s not treating your family the way you want, don’t fight with him about it, because in the end what they want most is that you shouldn’t fight. Things will come with time.”
Another thing I feel I have to tell young brides, and it amazes me, but they have to hear it: There’s a concept of Hakarat Hatov, appreciating when someone has done you a favor. This woman whom everybody calls your mother-in-law is the one who carried him around for nine months. She’s the one who raised him, changed his diaper, picked him up from school, and worried when he came home late. And it’s very nice that you want him on the silver platter of the swan, and you want to take him home and never call her again. Nice for you, maybe. Not so nice for him.
Rabbi Eliyahu Goldschmidt has a wonderful book on the market called Dear Daughter. In that book he tells a story about an Adam Gadol. When they use the term Adam Gadol, an Adam Gadol is a rabbi. They left him nameless, but he was an important man in our nation. This man had lost his mother. As people came to visit him while he was sitting shiva (mourning period), one after another made comments about how fortunate his mother was to have such a son. He heard this again and again. Finally, after one comment, he burst out and said, “But I lost the woman who called me her dear son. She’s the only one whose dear son I am.” Don’t take your husband’s mother away from him. Don’t take his family away from him.
Advice for daughters-in-law. Number one: Study her. What kind of a woman is she? There are all types, I know it. There are all types. Is she warm? Is she non-interfering? Then you can have a great relationship with her. Is she very negative and very difficult? You still have to be respectful. The type—look. Oh, no, wait. Who was it that wrote it? The Shlah HaKadosh says that a daughter-in-law has to be respectful even if—what’s the word he uses? Even if the parents are vulgar. Even if the mother-in-law is vulgar, Shlah HaKadosh writes, a wife must respect her husband’s parents even if they are vulgar people. And you can train yourself to do that.
So if she’s negative, be respectful and keep your distance. But know that once you accept money, gifts, and babysitting, then you’re going to have to be closer. If you want to keep a distance, limit what you ask for.
How do I do it, though? How do I treat her properly? What’s asked of me? Let me give you an example. They’re very simple. Give her a lot of respect. How? When she comes into the room, stand up, go over to her, and give her a kiss. Or you come into the room, see her there, go over to her, and give her a kiss. How else can I show her respect? Ask her for her recipe. Ask her advice. “My son has nits. Did you ever have to take care of nits, Mom?” But don’t ask her about matters between you and your husband. That’s not for your mother-in-law. When you visit, don’t act like a guest. Get up. Get up and do what you see needs to be done. When you go to your mother’s, you automatically do that. That’s what you should do by your mother-in-law. If it’s a delicate issue, let him make the call. Even if you would do it much better, let him make the call. And bottom line, never criticize them. Even if he criticizes them, don’t chime in and say, “It’s about time. You see what I’ve been going through.” No, never criticize.
What about mothers-in-law? One girlfriend of mine who’s not here today always says, “Carol, you have to graduate. We need classes on how to be a mother-in-law, how to be a daughter-in-law.” So here’s a little—and she’s not here today—here’s a little of that class.
What about mothers-in-law? This is from Rebbetzin Esther Greenberg’s book called Woman to Woman. It’s a wonderful book. She says, “Buy gifts, don’t overstay your visits, don’t pop in, call first.” And then she says, “For wonderful family relationships, everyone should be busy praising everybody else.” So make sure you tell your daughter what a wonderful husband she has. Make sure you tell your son what a lovely wife he has. You want them to see good in their spouses. Don’t criticize their spouse to them. That’s not what the marriage needs.
Sometimes we say things without thinking, and looking back you go, “That’s right, why would I want to do that?” Of course I want him to love his wife. I want him to treat his wife properly. Find something very nice about her to say with a big smile, and say that.
Many years ago I heard a tape from Rabbi Eliezer Ben David. I doubt that you know him, but he is an Adam Gadol. I don’t remember enough about the tape, but he had spoken about the Asara Leshonot Simcha. There are ten descriptions of the joy that a husband and wife share: “Sason v'simcha, gila, rina, ditza, chedva, ahava, achva, shalom v'reut.” Rabbi Ben David said each type of love, each word, describes a different facet of the love in marriage. And he said, “Ditza—how is that developed?” When the spouse sees their partner honoring their parents, loving their parents, and developing a great relationship, that develops ditza. Joy, I would translate it as exhilarating joy, but I’m not that perfect at it. Each one is a different type of joy and love.
Number 13. Number 13 is money. Another uh-oh topic. I heard this line from Rabbi Yosef Rafool 13 years ago. He said, “If you need it, don’t hesitate. If it’s a must, go out and get it. If you don’t need it, think four times before you do it. If money is an issue, that’s your guideline. If money is not an issue, go ahead and have a wonderful time.”
Rabbi Eliyahu Goldschmidt, in his book Dear Daughter, had what I thought was a wonderful piece of advice. He speaks about a very practical way to handle money issues. He calls money issues “the money bug,” and he gives this advice. He says, “How could we not let money become a point of contention?” He said very simply, “Agree with your husband on a time when you talk about finances. Once a week, once every two weeks, whatever it is that your marriage needs. But you don’t want to be bringing up the money bug all the time. When can I stick it in? I’m looking for the good time.” So you have a set time, so you don’t have to feel like, “I snuck it in and broke the good mood,” or “I added it to the bad mood,” or “When was I going to...” This is the time. This is when we talk about financial manners, and after that, close it in the closet. You don’t open that closet again until next week. A set time. I thought it was a genius piece of advice.
He says this in his book. He said, “Can you imagine the caterer or the photographer at a wedding bringing up his bill to the father of the bride during the first dance? ‘By the way, here’s my bill.’ He’s on the floor.” Timing is everything. Inconceivable. But do people do ridiculous things like that? They do. We do ridiculous things like that.
Another good piece of advice I heard from my girlfriend Bonnie Manson. She said, “Ask your husband to let you in on the finances.” Some wives have no idea what’s going on, and so they think, “He has it; he’s not giving it to me.” Bonnie says that if the husband shares with you what’s going on, then you understand. When you’re able to control yourself, when you do control yourself, you feel like you’re helping the situation, and you can feel like you’re accomplishing something every time you don’t spend.
Number fourteen, I think I’m up to: Give him the benefit of the doubt. This was also from Hacham Yosef Rafool. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s really not a prophet. You think he automatically knows what you want, what you need, what you meant. He doesn’t. It takes many years of marriage before he understands those needs. Give him the benefit of the doubt. That number needs a lot of explaining, but as I’m going through now, I can’t take the time. I’m moving on to other things.
Fifteen: Respect each other’s area of expertise. Within each marriage, couples know, “He’s the better one at that. He’s good at that.” Let him take it over. She’s in the kitchen; let her take it over, unless she wants to give it to you. Some couples—he loves to cook. I don’t like to cook. Fine, let him cook. But if she feels that her place is the kitchen, then he shouldn’t be opening up and telling her, “You didn’t put enough arroyo in the mashu.” No. In the same way, respect his area of expertise. Divide the lines neatly, and it makes shalom easier.
Sixteen. This is from Rabbi Yissachar Frand. Very important. He says, “Share your days and you’ll share your lives.” How do you do that?
Seventeen: Spend time together. Share your days. Spend time together. Lovely. Wouldn’t you love to take a walk on the beach and spend a relaxing day like that? It doesn’t always happen, and a lot of days it’s raining and snowing. What do I mean by share your days? I mean you should have 20 minutes, not less, at least 20 minutes every night when you talk. And the talking should not be only a list of “He did this, she did this, I need this, I need that. You must do this, I must do that.” It should be a time when you can open up, when you can share your feelings: how you felt about a certain thing, what you hope, what you dream, what you’re striving for. A time when you connect with this one who’s supposed to be your loving friend, lovers and best friends. The way you connect with that best friend, the way you explain your feelings, that’s what’s supposed to be happening. It should be happening every day, every night, for 20 minutes, and then fall asleep.
Eighteen, and this is especially for new brides: He’s not your entertainment committee. Sometimes brides get married and they’re used to him coming, picking me up, and we’re going somewhere. All of a sudden, we get married, he puts me home, and he leaves me here. When is he coming to entertain me? When is he coming to take me out? Life has begun. He’s not your entertainment committee. If you say you’re bored, you’re really saying, “I’m boring. I don’t know how to make myself interesting.” That’s your job. Make yourself an interesting person. Make your days interesting. There are so many different things we can do. There are so many organizations that need help, so many projects. Pull me up. I have projects I’m looking for people to do. There are so many things. When you’re an interesting person, you’re going to be a happier person, and you’re going to be much more fun to share life with.
Nineteen: Be his wife. What does that mean? It can mean a lot of things now as I’m thinking. But what I want to speak about now: When Hashem said in Bereshit, “It’s not good for man to be alone. I’m going to make a helpmeet for him,” what was the situation then? Where was Adam? Adam was in the Garden of Eden. He had angels serving him hand and foot. He didn’t need her to do the laundry. He didn’t need her to shop, shop, shop. Act me food time, act me food time. He didn’t need her to cook. What exactly did he need? He needed the other half. He needed someone to share life with, someone to make him feel complete. Theoretically, anyone could cook for him. Anyone could clean his house. Anyone could do his shirts. It might be hard to find him, but anyone could do his shirts. Only you can be his wife. Charm him. Don’t be embarrassed to be his wife. Don’t be embarrassed to start having fun together.
It goes without saying, twenty, that you should never tell him how much weight he’s gained, what he used to look like compared to what he looks like now, or what size he used to be compared to what size he is now. Words are very powerful tools, and in marriage, as in every other place, we want to be sure that we use them properly. If you look into the Chumash (Five Books of Moses), the Chumash tells us how a husband and wife are supposed to talk to each other. Few people pay attention, but the Chumash tells us. It’s no secret.
As Avraham is approaching Mitzrayim, and he’s afraid he’s going to get killed because they want his wife, and if they kill him she won’t be a married woman, he turns to Sarah and says, “Imri na achoti at”—please say that you’re my sister. Please, na means please. Imagine most other marriages, or many other marriages: “Honey, where was I? This is what you’re going to say.” But not even in that situation. How we talk to each other about nothing, and we’re not polite, and we’re not nice. And we think that the famous line—we think that love means never having to say you’re sorry. You remember that one? What a disservice that movie did to America. Was that the beginning of the end? Love means thank you. Please, it’s so nice of you. I really appreciate what you did. It was so nice of you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Please, could you—thank you? Please and thank you. Marriage is not the place to forget your manners. Marriage is the place to practice your manners. Words are powerful tools.
Twenty-one: Nurture, but don’t mother-smother. When your husband got married, he was looking for a wife. He was not looking for an in-house mother at his new address. That means he didn’t marry you to tell him what to eat and what not to eat. He didn’t marry you for you to tell him what to wear and what not to wear, where to go, what to say, what to do, who to run, which place, who to pray in. I’m amazed at how some wives boss their husbands around, and if you think, “No, he loves it,” you’re wrong.
I sat with Rabbi Eliezer Ben David. This was really a key lesson for me years ago. He said, “The husband comes home late at night, and he’s going to relax in the kitchen a little. He says to his wife, ‘Honey, could you make me a cup of coffee?’ And she says to him, ‘Coffee at this hour? No, I’m going to make you decaf tea.’” According to Rabbi Ben David, she killed him. The poor guy can’t even get a cup of coffee. She has to tell him what he should drink, what he should eat. That’s not what he married her for.
On the other hand, if he tells you, “Honey, could you please put me on a diet? Make me dietetic food,” go ahead. Very good. He didn’t ask you for it? Don’t do it. Some husbands say, “Honey, could you match the tie to the suit? Leave it out for me.” Very nice. He didn’t ask you? Let him dress himself. He’s a big boy. Let him eat, let him dress. They like some nurturing, some extra tender loving care, but not mother’s mother.
Twenty-one, I think: Parashat Vayechi. Yaakov blesses his sons, and the pasuk tells us over there, “Vayevarech otam, ish asher k'virchato berach otam.” What does that mean? That means that Yaakov looked at each one of his sons and understood their natures, their characters, their personalities, and blessed them that they should succeed within their nature. This is a very important lesson. Your husband is the one you married, and he’s not very different at all today from the man he was on the day you said, “I do, I will marry you.” “Will you marry me?” “Yes, I will marry you.” He’s not very different from that same man. Accept him. Love him for the man he is. Stop trying to turn him into your sister’s husband, your father, or your girlfriend’s husband. This is the man you married. Love him. Accept him the way he is. If he changes in 10 years, 20 years, good for you.
I heard a tape that my sister-in-law Sylvia actually gave me, and I don’t remember who the woman speaking was, but these were her words. She said, “A man marries a woman and hopes she’ll never change, and a woman marries a man with a full agenda. This is what I’m going to do to him. This is—I just have to—he’s wonderful, and I’m going to teach him, and I’m going to show him, and I’m going to—the dough, you know, and you’re working on the dough the whole time.” Love him for the beracha (blessing) that Hashem gave him. For the berachot that Hashem gave him.
Our rabbis say, “A kosher woman does the will of her husband.” The wording is very strange, especially nowadays. Kosher? Excuse me, but am I a piece of meat? I mean, what? Kosher woman? In the old days, butcher stores used to have a sign that said “Basar kasher” (kosher meat), and you couldn’t tell the difference between the bents and the calf. What is this, a kosher woman?
Rabbi Ben David says on this pitgam, on this saying, “A kosher woman does the will of her husband, her husband who’s in heaven.” Meaning what? That it’s God who wants you to do the will of your husband. But then there’s another way you have to pay attention to. There’s another way to understand the sentence. There’s also, “A kosher woman makes the will of her husband.” And really, it’s got to be a very delicate balance of the two. A kosher woman might have a plan: “I know what I want my husband to become, and I want to make him want that.” But you need wisdom to do that. In the interim, it has to still be that the kosher woman does the will of his husband. Or at least he has to think that you’re doing his will. It takes a lot of very delicate balance. It takes the wisdom of a woman to build her home.
Rebbetzin Tehilla Abramov says, “Home wasn’t built in a day.” If you’re married two years and you’re not there yet, if you’re married six years and you’re not there, if you’re married ten years and you’re not there, don’t worry. Home wasn’t built in a day. We’re speaking here about a lifetime of work, and don’t give up.
You should know what a high level the rabbis put this on. It’s very, very important. In Jewish history, in our Jewish history, there was a woman called Yael, and at a certain point, when the Jewish nation was in battle, this woman Yael was the one through whom the Yeshua (salvation) came. She was the one who had the captain of the enemy army in her tent, and she beheaded him after she gave him wine to drink and dairy products so that she got him very tired. She beheaded him. The rabbis ask, “What was special about Yael that the Yeshua came through her?” And they said, “The victory, the saving Israel came through her.” She was the one. Once she came out with the general’s head on the spear and they took it into the enemy camp, the enemy got all thrown off, and that was the end of the battle. So she was really the one who did it. Obviously, she has a zechut. What was her zechut? They answer: If your husband says, “Honey, can I have a cup of coffee, black coffee?” and it’s 11 o’clock at night, say, “Okay, honey, my pleasure.” Not decaf tea. Lemon Zinger, Red Zinger—that’s all you can have.
Now, the schmooze that we had today is a schmooze for healthy relationships. If your relationship is off, very off, if you can’t see applying any of this, then you should seek help. Go to your rabbi and let him guide you. But other than that, don’t be embarrassed, don’t be too proud, don’t be too shy, don’t think it’s too late. It’s never too late.
Mesilat Yesharim brings at the end of chapter 7—where are my notes? I’m getting a little confused here—that the externality forms the internality, meaning if you’re listening to what I’m saying today and you’re saying, “That’s just lovely. Wow, I hope my daughter can have that kind of marriage,” don’t think it’s too late. It’s never too late. You can create, and you must create, your own reality.
How many of us just don’t do it, just don’t move? I remember sitting in one of the classes in Shaare Zion and telling the group, “You should share nice words every day. You should say something nice to each other or do something nice for each other every day. Something nice.” I’m not saying that you have to be mushy and say, “Love you, love you,” or not less mushy. I don’t want you to make the “love you” try, but there should be something in the way you connect that sends the message to your husband that he’s the most important person in your life.
I remember the group came and said, “We came out and said, ‘You should find the time to say, “I love you.”’” And the group was like, “Yes.” The group was like, “I love you? I—I don’t say that. I—I can’t say that.” People here witnessed the class. People have told me, “He doesn’t want me to tell him that.” And they believed it. They’re all wrong. There’s nobody who doesn’t want to hear, “I love you.” Everybody daydreams about that.
People make a very big mistake. I read this in the book Woman to Woman, and I actually heard it 20 years ago from the author of the book, Rebbetzin Esther Greenblatt. She said, “People make a tremendous mistake. They think that Gan Eden (Garden of Eden) starts after 120. That’s when we go to Gan Eden.” She said they’re making a very big mistake. You create your own Gan Eden here and now. Marriage is a gift. Your husband is the gift that God handpicked for you. There’s not a mistake over here. Nobody walks up to the chuppah accidentally. We think we picked him, or my mother thinks she picked him, or he thinks he found me. He just—what they think. But no two people come under the chuppah accidentally. There is a God in this world, and if you really believe in God, then it doesn’t stop at your marriage. Your marriage is not a mistake. God handpicked this man to be your gift, your treasure in life, and you could start right now by living with that kind of attitude. You create your own Gan Eden. Make sure your husband knows what we started with: that he is the most important person in your life. Don’t be too shy. Act if you have to.
You see, Mesilat Yesharim says the outside affects the inside. The outside makes the inside. So if you’ve done it wrong, recreate that original role you played as a bride. You were great at it. Do it. Don’t think it’s silly. It’ll be the smartest thing you ever did. Recreate that starring role of the loving bride and play it for the rest of your life. That way, after 120, it will just be moving. It will not be first going to Gan Eden; it will be moving from your Gan Eden here to your Gan Eden there. Marriage is our greatest gift. Thank you, ladies.