There are new notes to take, and we’re going to work on them for a while, so hold on to them. We’re going to go point by point, and there’s a lot to say about each point.
Point number one: Deal with your child in a way that gives the impression that the world is a rational, predictable place. We do our children a big favor when we try to give them a feeling of security and stability, that the world is predictable and rational. A child really doesn’t know what to expect. A child is insecure and pretty much afraid. Why do children have so much fear? A lot of times, they just don’t know what’s coming. The more we give them a feeling of security and predictability, the more secure and stable they feel. It’s a good thing for us to keep in mind. So how do I do that? How do I give my child that feeling?
First of all, I should try to be rational. If I want to show my child that the world is rational, I have to try to be rational myself. Being rational means taking the time to explain things. We’re busy, rushed, and hectic, but we have to take the time to explain. We can’t believe how much they don’t understand. We all have stories about our children, God bless them, when we thought they understood what we were talking about, but in the end, they really didn’t. They didn’t catch on at all.
There’s one story I’ve repeated many times because it was so important to me. My daughter was young; I think she was probably six or seven, as I picture her in my room. I don’t know if you can see what I’m picturing. She had a sore throat, and her voice was getting a little rough and scratchy. God bless her, she was singing and shouting in the house and playing very happily. I told her very nonchalantly, “You shouldn’t sing so much, honey. You’re losing your voice, and it might hurt your throat.” I was busy in the kitchen, doing what I had to do. I said it in what I thought was an innocent way.
I don’t know how much later, but as I was passing by to go up the steps and put something away, I noticed my little daughter sitting on the couch in the living room with the lights off. I looked at her and asked, “Why are you sitting there?” She was crying. I asked, “Honey, what’s the matter? Why are you crying?” She finally got up the courage to tell me. She said, “Ma, I’m losing my voice, and I don’t know sign language.”
I cry when I think of it. I innocently told her she was losing her voice. I thought she understood what that meant. But why would she understand? “Losing your voice”—that poor little girl thought she wasn’t going to be able to talk anymore. She could almost handle it if she knew sign language. How she knew that, I don’t even know. But she told me, “I don’t know sign language.” I felt so bad, because of course I didn’t mean to scare her. What did I tell her? “You’re singing and screaming in the house, honey. You’re losing your voice. Calm down a little bit.” That’s what she thought.
We don’t understand how much they really don’t know, how much they don’t understand, and how much they need us to fill them in. What does it really mean? They don’t have all the answers.
Sometimes I feel like—you have to know your child—but sometimes you’re always explaining, and the explanations just keep going. Someone once told me that at a certain point you need to stop, because the child keeps asking, “But why?” Eventually, you have to explain certain things like—
Right. So you have to use sechel (common sense): at what point are they—
Sometimes what I do is explain. First of all, I explain everything. You are your child’s teacher. A good teacher assumes her students know nothing. A good teacher doesn’t take anything for granted. She explains every concept and every word she uses and makes sure they understand the whole thing. Maybe I’m explaining more than necessary, but I’m not going to take anything for granted. Very often, in a classroom, some people don’t get it, but they smile and nod their heads and have no idea what’s going on. They’re embarrassed, don’t want to ask a question, and don’t catch on. You have to be your child’s teacher, be a good teacher, and assume that they don’t understand.
I explain things to give my child a rational, stable feeling. But if I’m telling them to do something, like go to bed, and they ask why, I explain: “It’s your bedtime. You need a certain amount of sleep to be healthy. It helps you grow and develop your mind. It’s a wonderful thing; Hashem made the world that way.” You give them the whole explanation, and then they say, “But why?” If they need more explanation, ask them, “Which part of the explanation didn’t you understand? What do you want me to repeat?” You can be as patient as you possibly can.
Then they’re going to say, “But why?” I already told you why; now you tell me why. Make them repeat it, because they did hear you, and probably they do get it. They don’t mean “why”; they mean, “I don’t want to listen.” So again, you have to interpret what they’re saying according to what they really mean. If they mean, “I get it, I hear you, but I don’t want to listen. I don’t agree with the plan,” then you can say, “That was the reason,” and leave it at that.
What about things that you don’t feel are appropriate to explain to them? It depends on the actual situation. For example, let’s say you have to separate the beds—
Right. I think I had two babies back to back, from dad, and then two days later he’s asking me, “Where do the children go when the parents get divorced?”
First, I would answer a young child’s question about the beds by saying, “Daddy and I couldn’t decide. Sometimes we like to sleep in one bed, and sometimes we like to sleep in two beds. We couldn’t make up our minds, so we decided that sometimes we’re going to do this.” No, no, no—you can say, “Sometimes I like my own bed.” Some couples make arrangements to have 42-inch beds, and if that works, that works. But you have the right to say, “We always love each other, but sometimes I like my own bed.” You can ask, “Do you like to sleep in the same bed as your sister, or do you like to sleep in your own bed? If your friend comes over, maybe you want to sleep together. So why is it sometimes yes and sometimes no?” You can give an answer. You don’t have to give your child a whole, knee-deep class, but you can give an answer that sounds rational to them.
“Three weeks is enough that they should be separated. Don’t you think you should bring them back together?” No, I mean, where do parents—where do the children go? I didn’t know where we were coming from. Then I said, “Oh my gosh, now I think I’m putting two and two together. You notice that the beds still haven’t come back together yet.” So say in front of your son—if this is something you’re catching on to—tell your husband to say in front of your children, “Hi, honey, I missed you. How was your day? Oh, I love you, honey.” Talk like that. It’s okay; let him hear it. There’s nothing wrong. Everything is fine. Maybe, besides the beds not being together, he’s hearing arguing, resentment, or bickering. If he heard, “I love you. How was your day?” I don’t know that he’d ask that question about the beds. It’s not necessarily coming from only one situation. Show him your concern, care, and love for your husband in appropriate ways in other situations. That’s also a predictable, rational response.
“You’ll find out when you’re older.” I remember my parents telling me, “I’ll explain it to you when you get older.” I don’t think that’s a good answer for a child. First of all, I think it would pique their curiosity even more. They’ll feel that you’re hiding something interesting from them that they can find out on their own. It’s not an answer I would want to give my child. I would want to give my child something as truthful as possible.
I remember when my daughter asked me, as a little girl, “How do you have a baby?” She was a baby—she was a very little girl. I said, “When you get married, they give you the wine to drink, and Hashem blesses the wine. When He blesses you, you can have a baby.” That is not a lie, I want you to know. I left out some of the in-betweens, the details. But you get married, they give you the wine to drink, and they bless you. With Hashem’s blessing, you will have a baby. It comes inside of you, and only the doctor knows how to take it out. The doctor knows, and it’s wonderful; it’s a miracle from Hashem.
Leave out the parts you’re not ready to discuss with them until they’re old enough, but tell them that it’s Hashem, and it’s beautiful, and it’s the way it is. Basically, try to be rational and predictable, and explain things to your children. You don’t have to spend the whole day explaining the same thing over and over, because they’re just getting you into that cycle and pattern. At that point, you can stop. As long as you feel you’ve been rational and explained it, you can move on.
Some people have a cesarean, and that’s how they take the baby out, but they might get scared. Everyone is going to figure out for themselves how to deal with their children. We want to make them feel that they understand as much as they can, and that things are rational to them. Rational also means predictable. It has to be predictable.
I feel that rationality and predictability also have to do with letting children understand the consequences of their actions. Punishment, per se, is not a good system. We need it sometimes, but it’s not the best system; it’s not the first system we’re going to choose. We’re going to try rewarding, charts, stickers, or having them earn privileges if they’re older. When we need to be on the negative side, I feel it should be consequences of their acts, not unrelated punishment. Unrelated punishment doesn’t teach them life the way we want to teach them. We’re still going to be their teacher. We want them to understand and have a rational, predictable concept of life, which means that the things they do cause consequences.
This is a perfect question. A friend sent it to me: “This morning my son was giving me a hard time getting dressed. I told him, ‘Jaime, it’s 7.45. It’s 7.50. Shlomo’s mother is coming to pick you up. You have to take me—’ I said, ‘Jaime, listen. If she comes and you are not ready, I am not taking you to school, and you will not go on errands with me. You’re going to have to find a way to get to school. I’m not taking you.’ Sure enough, my mother-in-law comes knocking on the door at the same time that the boy’s mother comes. The boy’s mother said, ‘I’m going to wait.’ I said, ‘You don’t have to wait. I don’t want him to learn that people are going to wait for him. He knows he has to be ready.’ So I told her, ‘Go, don’t worry.’ My mother-in-law was like, ‘No.’ He threw a fit from here—I can’t even tell you. The walls of my house were shaking. ‘You take her to school, and you don’t take me?’ I said, ‘I told you.’ The truth is, at the end, I was already like, I’m worse, but I told him, ‘That’s it.’
“Then I told my husband, ‘Maybe you’ll take him to school, but I will not take him.’ He said, ‘I can’t; I’m late for work.’ I said, ‘I don’t know what to tell you, then. He’ll stay home. I’m not taking him.’ So he called my mother-in-law and said, ‘Could you please take me to school, because Mommy just won’t take me?’ My mother-in-law asked me—she didn’t understand where I was coming from—so I told her, ‘I want him to understand that our consequence is like if you don’t go to work, you’re not going to get paid. The same is true, you know what I mean, Mom?’”
A participant said, “No, you’re not wrong. I just got the point, and I want to discuss it.”
I don’t think you were wrong. A child at a certain age—now, we’re not talking about a two-year-old. We’re talking about a child who’s already going to school, is old enough to dress himself, and is six years old. He’s not a tremendous adult at that point, but he’s still capable of learning consequences. The problem is only if you tell him you’re not going to take him to school and he likes staying home. That’s a different story. Even not going with you on errands may be fine with some kids. So we have to be careful.
However, I do believe that in certain situations, children should learn the consequences of their actions. They have to be warned at a time when there’s enough time for them to really have been warned. We can’t spring things on them at the last minute. She’s coming; they’re already in a frenzy. They don’t have the emotional control to get back to the equilibrium that would let them act rationally, and they weren’t forewarned.
When do you say they were forewarned? It doesn’t have to be at each situation. It can be a general rule that’s been stated enough times that they really understand it. You might actually have to go through it once to show that you mean business. But it shouldn’t have been the first time that threat came up; it shouldn’t have been the first time you said, “If you’re not ready, you’re not going.” Then you should follow through.
First, you have to make sure they’re capable of doing what you’re asking them to do. Sometimes we overestimate their ability and their age. We want them to be all grown up because it works better for us: we have other kids, Baruch Hashem, and we need them to be all grown up. But they really may not be capable. Make sure they’re capable of doing what you’re asking, that you’ve explained it, and that they have enough time to do it. Help them and make it as easy as possible. Lay out his clothes beforehand, make sure he’s up early enough, and make sure he has what he needs to get ready. Make it as easy as possible for him to succeed. Make sure it’s something he can do and that he understands, and then follow through with the consequences. If he’s really the right age to learn that, then let him see what the consequences are.
There’s a balance. A mother has to figure out her child’s capabilities. We shouldn’t overestimate or underestimate them, and we can’t be perfect in what we assume they understand and can do. But we have to be watching and conscious. We also have to look from their point of view, not our own. Very often I’m hectic and busy, and I need him to be able to do it. So I’m already assuming he can do it because I need him to. The stress is coming from my end.
If I’m really looking at the child and trying to figure out his capabilities, I’ll come to a better conclusion about whether I should run and pick him up so quickly. If a little one falls and we run to pick him up, we may be thinking, “Oh my goodness, I want to go get him; he’s my baby.” We’re thinking of our own nurturing need to take care of him, more than his needs. If we think about what he’s really capable of doing, we’ll come to a better conclusion. We have to think about what’s best for the child and try to figure out what his capabilities are.
It’s okay to challenge them a little beyond what they think they can do, but not too much. We want to challenge them, but we don’t want to frustrate them. As parents, we have to be careful. We see what they can do and then push them a drop more, but not too much more. If it’s too much at one time, we frustrate them, and then they have lower self-esteem because they feel they failed and can’t do it. If we challenge them a little more and they succeed, that’s what we want. We want to help them succeed on their own. We’ll give them a task they can succeed at, because that will make them feel accomplished. Then they’ll want to succeed the next time, too.
Consequences go back to what I was saying about giving them predictability. Recently, just around Hanukkah, I was babysitting four of my grandchildren. One of my granddaughters, God bless her, is very strong-minded. She’s a smart kid. Sometimes smart kids can be tough. She’s tough and smart. She was playing in my basement, got mad at her sister, and decided to destroy my basement because she was mad at her. My sister came upstairs and told me she was mad and destroying the basement.
I have a zillion toys, a million books, and everything, and she was flinging things all over the place and wasn’t going to stop. This was after a few days of waking up at 4.30 in the morning and starting my day then, so I was already up to here and totally wiped out physically. I was having a Hanukkah party, all my grandchildren were coming over, I was trying to get things ready, and I don’t keep help in the house. She was pulling everything out in my basement. She’s five. Five. I was unbelievably mad. I was really angry, and I surprised myself by how angry I was.
I went downstairs and watched her doing this. I was going to hit her. I don’t believe in hitting; I don’t want to hit her, but I was going to hit her. It was something awful. I looked at her and held myself back. I really wanted to hit her. I couldn’t believe I really wanted to hit her. I thought, “Is this me?” But I held myself back.
I said in the scariest terms—I mean, I was scared. I told her, “Right now I want to hit you very hard. I’ve never done that before, but I’m telling you, that’s the way I feel. That’s what I want to do. I’m so angry about what you’re doing. This is so hard for me; that’s how I feel. But I’m going to give you a chance. You’re going to decide. Either you want to get hit by Grandma, like I’ve never done before, or you have another choice: you can start cleaning up, and I’ll be nice, and we’ll have the party when the kids come, and you’ll have treats, and everything will be fine. Your choice. You decide. Do you want to get hit? Do you want Grandma to be nice to you? It’s up to you. I’m going upstairs. I’m going to come back down. You make up your mind.”
I went upstairs and had already calmed down a little. I said, “Yeah.” Then I thought, “Oh my goodness. What if she says she wants to get hit? What if she says she wants to get hit? I’ll have to hit her. I’ll really have to hit her hard enough that it feels like I hit her, because I told her that and now she’s going to make the choice.” This is a very stubborn kid, and I was sure I had set myself up to hit her. At that point, I felt terrible because I no longer wanted to hit her, but I was going to have to hit her because I had said that.
I waited a little while and peeked down into the basement. Thank you, Hashem, she was starting to clean up. She was putting things away. I peeked down and asked, “Oh, so you decided you wanted Grandma to be nice, and you wanted to have a nice day?” She said, “Yeah.” I asked, “Do you want a little help cleaning up?” She said, “Yes.” I came downstairs. I wasn’t angry with her anymore, and we started putting everything away. I helped her. I didn’t mind helping her. It was the feeling of what she was doing that really infuriated me. But she picked her consequence.
The truth is, if I could have, I would have said something else. But at that point, I couldn’t say anything else. I was going to hit her, because I really was going to hit her. I was just—
Someone asked, “If it was the other side of the story, instead of making a mess in the basement, you would hit the sister. What would you do? If she was hitting—”
She would hit herself by making a mess in the basement—right, right. She could have taken it out on her sister and hit her sister instead. Then I would also have made a consequence of separating them, making her stay in her room, or whatever that would have been. But here she was doing something to hurt me. She really was doing something to hurt me, and I was feeling it. At that moment, I really couldn’t handle it. Thank God I didn’t deal with it in the moment. I gave her that choice, and I’m grateful to Hashem that she chose the right one.
First of all, she knew how serious I was. There was no doubt in her mind that the consequence was going to happen. I meant business; there was no wishy-washy about it. This was going to happen, and she made her choice. I walked away. It was ten minutes later that I came down to the basement, and she was starting to clean up. For this child, I want you to know what a great accomplishment that was, because she could lose it and have a hard time getting it back. I was proud of her control. I was very proud that she was able to make that decision.
Right. The difference is that if it was something acceptable to me—if I gave her a magazine to rip—then it would be acceptable to me. If she took my photo albums and started ripping them, that wouldn’t be acceptable to me. I can give her an acceptable way to let out her frustration. She knew this wasn’t acceptable. She was positive it wasn’t acceptable. She was doing it purposely because it wasn’t acceptable. She understood completely. She wanted to show that if she didn’t get her way, she was going to make everybody miserable. That’s what she wanted to show, and that’s how she felt. She felt she had the power to make everybody miserable if she didn’t get her way.
Absolutely, I was proud of her. I was proud of her control, and I was a little proud of my control. I was proud of her control. I even went down to help her because the truth is, I think it was too much to ask her to do the whole thing by herself. I think at one point she would have failed, and I didn’t want her to fail. I didn’t take over and do it without her. I wanted to show her that I love her, that the anger had passed, and that I could be happy working side by side with her. Together we cleaned it up. She didn’t stop cleaning until we were finished. She was very happy to keep putting things away.
A participant asked, “Sometimes, as a parent, you’re working so hard to get this child to work from a certain angle, from a certain point of view, and then you’re always at the grandparents’ house. Again, no offense, but sometimes grandparents don’t realize that, with the best intentions, they try to discipline, and it throws everything off balance. If I’m trying to do something positive and a grandparent comes and gives the kid an insult that I feel like maybe would be an inflate for we're trying to work on this practice—”
Only because you said the word “insult”—I was all ready to answer you one way, and then you used the word “insult,” and I stopped in my tracks, because that’s a different category altogether. I’m going to answer the way I thought the question was going, and then I’m going to answer the idea of insult.
First of all, I have my rules in my house with my children, and I have a certain pattern of discipline we’re working very hard on. I can discuss it with my mother or mother-in-law. She may not do it the way I do. If my husband’s not going to do it—You’re giving me an easier one. The harder one is, what if my husband isn’t following the plan? That’s even harder. I’m not going to get myself into that trouble.
But if it’s just that Mommy doesn’t allow sweets except for Shabbat, and the children come over during the weekend and Grandma gives them a treat, the children are pretty good at categorizing: these are Mommy’s rules, these are Grandma’s rules. It doesn’t throw them off. They can say, “Oh yeah, Grandma lets us do this, and Mommy says that,” and they’re good with it. It doesn’t throw them off or ruin your discipline when Grandma doesn’t do it the way you do. The right way to be a grandmother, as I’ve taught in my group, is to follow your children, let them tell you which direction they’re teaching the children in, and cooperate with them.
Not every grandparent comes to my class, and not every grandparent listens to the rules. But don’t worry. In most cases, the children are good with it. They know: Mommy’s rules, Grandma breaks the rules, but that’s okay. It doesn’t change Mommy’s rules.
But when Grandma is insulting them, calling them names, or breaking down their self-esteem—
A participant gave a specific example: “One of my children has very fragile self-esteem. If you work with him in a positive note, then he performs a hundred percent. But if you’re negative with him, the whole everything turns around. We were at one of the grandparents’ homes, and it happens to be that there’s a girl cousin. There are a lot of girls, not so much boys. They were treating him not nicely. The kid comes in the room—‘You’re a boy,’ whatever, right? So his behavior started to be down. Now, once the adults start being on his back also, and I forget, the kid's crashing him. That way I would have dealt with it as a mother: I would have taken him to the side and explained to him it doesn’t matter, or just gone for a walk and—Right. And what did she do? The adults were like—the grandparents or the uncles, whatever, the other adults were like, ‘Why are you touching that? Don’t touch the fork.’ He was already acting out for the negative, you know what I’m saying? That made it even worse.”
At that point, I think your original answer was the right thing to do. You should still take him away from the situation and talk to him. Discuss with him that they don’t understand, that you understand, and how he’s feeling. But at another time, talk to your mother or mother-in-law. You can’t talk to every aunt and uncle, but most of the time there are certain key people in your life with whom you can try to explain the issues. If they’re not listening, you’ll have to intercede when it comes up and try to save him from the negative effect they’re going to have on him. You can’t control everybody else. You really can’t.
You’re going to teach him and give as much of a positive influence as you can. When he’s in that situation, if they’re not listening to you—and if the adults are behaving improperly—try to explain it to them, not in front of the child, but at a different time. In the moment, pull him away. Say, “Let’s take that walk. Let’s go over there. Let’s go talk.” Take out a game and play with just him; take him away from it. You do have to try to explain in a very, very nice way: “This is what works best for him, and I’m really working very hard. If he’s bothering you, tell me and I’ll take care of it.” Discuss it however you need to.
Consequences give a child a feeling of predictability and rationality. Things make sense. If I spill, I have to clean it up. It’s very good to tell a child to clean it up, rather than just push the kid away and start cleaning it up yourself. Don’t get angry that he spilled; say, “Here’s the towel. Clean it up.” When he hasn’t cleaned it up well enough, of course you’re going to clean it afterward. But the fact that he tried to clean it, and had the obligation to clean up after he made the mess, is part of the consequence. This is what he has to do.
“Then don’t—” No. As much as possible, don’t give them the opportunity, if that’s at all possible. When my son-in-law said—well, I would say, “Could you give him something to drink? Could you pour him some juice?” He asked me, “How much should I pour?” I said, “As much as you want to clean up.” Depending on the child’s age, what are you expecting them to spill, and how much do you want to clean up? I’m going to give them small amounts, and I’m not going to leave it accessible.
My daughter, God bless her, tried something with the water cooler. The cups were accessible, and the kids were getting cups of water all day, taking water, leaving it around, spilling it, taking water, leaving it around, spilling it. They tried buying cone-shaped cups. The kids can’t put them down; they have to drink what they took and throw the cups out. There’s no such thing as putting them down because you can’t put them down. She was trying to teach them not to leave a cup on the table. I don’t even know if it worked. It was just funny that they tried it. I don’t know if she likes it or doesn’t like it, but it made me laugh that she was at least thinking of ways not to give them the opportunity to spill all day.
Try your best. Children spill. They will spill. We have to accept that and be okay with it. But we minimize the opportunities we give them, try to stay calm about it, and give them as little as we want to clean up. Then let them clean up if they have to. It’s a constant consequence.
Sometimes they refuse to clean up. If they refuse, there has to be a consequence. Refusing to clean up might mean that the next time the kids get juice, they can’t get juice. Spilling is allowed, because it can happen. You’re not going to tell them they’re not allowed to spill. I spill sometimes. You know how I’m telling them, “Don’t spill, don’t spill, don’t spill,” and then I spill it? It’s like, “Oh, no.” We spill. That’s going to happen.
But there can be a consequence for not wanting to clean up. Then I won’t be able to give it to you, or I’ll have to watch you drink it and then take it back. There has to be a consequence. Without screaming and yelling, forcing or pushing his hand down to do it, or whatever, there’s still a consequence. If you spill and won’t clean it up, I can’t give you juice the way I give it to the other children. I’ll give you a little baby amount, like I give the baby, or I’ll have to give you a smaller amount. There’s a consequence. Think in terms of consequences; just keep it going that way.
A participant said, “My niece always wants to have her way. She’s two, and when she doesn’t get her way, she cries all the time. Her mother always tries to discipline her. Because you brought up the husband thing, it’s a great source of frustration: my brother is so soft with his daughter that he can’t see her cry. Whenever she cries, he says, ‘No, it’s okay,’ and gives her back what she wants. She always gets frustrated. She feels like they have two different parenting styles.”
First I want to say that you mentioned the child is two. A two-year-old is a baby. As far as chinuch (Jewish education) for the future goes, we can only discipline a two-year-old to a certain extent. We cannot expect a two-year-old to behave. We cannot expect a two-year-old to really get it. A two-year-old is a baby.
I took care of my daughter’s child, who is going to be two soon—another month and he’s going to be two. He does the most; he’ll look to destroy whatever he can destroy, with the biggest smile on his face. He’ll smack you with a smile on his face. He’s adorable, but he’s a baby. Do I tell him he’s allowed to hit? No. Do I tell him he’s allowed to do the things he does? No. I’m going to tell him no. Do I expect him to listen, get it, or learn? Not for a long time.
Something happened to me: at one point he wouldn’t stop hitting his sister. He was hurting her and wouldn’t stop hitting her, so I told him, “You have to go in the crib. That’s it.”
Most of the time when they do that, I find in my situation—and I’m not saying this is everybody’s situation—that my grandchildren purposely misbehave because they’re tired and want to be put down for a nap, but they don’t know how to say it. So they keep doing the wrong thing. “Oh, this kid’s really tired. It’s time for his nap.” It’s not even a punishment. It’s like, “Oh yeah, it’s finally dawned on me.” Until I caught on, he had to keep doing this. “When is she going to get it? When is she going to figure it out?” Until I figured it out: he was exhausted. I put him in the crib, and he fell asleep. He was exhausted. When they’re babies, we have to understand that they’re babies.
The issue of parents being on the same wavelength about parenting rules is so important. It has two different aspects, and I have to explain them. On the one hand, we want to follow the same course. We want to read the same parenting books, discuss the same parenting issues, and come up with basic parenting rules that we’re going to follow. On the other hand, there’s going to be Mommy’s style and Daddy’s style, and we cannot have them exactly the same. It was not meant to be. Hashem did not create it that way. Your husband will not have your style of parenting. He will not.
And that’s good; it puts in a balance. I remember how nervous I get when my husband roughs them up. It annoys me. He hits them and pokes them. He was doing it to my grandson, and I was watching him pat the boy on the back. I was getting nervous. I looked at my husband and said, “Would you stop that?” My grandson looked at me and said, “I like it, Grandma.” I thought, “Okay, they like it.” There’s a style. Do they want me to do that to them? No. But they want Grandpa to do that to them.
There’s a difference between how a father treats his kids and how a mother treats her kids. As women, I’ve really come to the conclusion that we think we know everything, that we’re always right, and that our husbands are always wrong. It’s not true. It took a long time. No, it’s not true. We’re only 99% right, but we’re not 100% right, and it’s not only my way. It’s not true.
One time I heard from Hannah Cohen that even if you disagree with your husband, or he disagrees with you, you shouldn’t expose that disagreement about parenting in front of the kids. Don’t show a divided front. Respect each other in front of the children. That’s very important. Privately, you discuss it.
I really think the best thing is to listen to parenting tapes together—not necessarily together, but the same ones—or read a book that you both read. Your husband doesn’t want to hear from you the proper ways to parent. If you tell him, he’s going to resist it. If he hears it from a rabbi, a book, or a tape, he’ll be more open to it. “This is what you should do?” Wrong. “Okay, that’s where you got it.” When we tell husbands what to do, they don’t like it. They resist it and turn against it.
Someone asked, “Are they allowed to listen to your TV?”
I’m not going to say. I’m not going to say. I’m not singing, and it’s not in person, so I don’t know if it would be considered a tzniut thing. I’m not sure, and you’d have to ask your own rabbi. As far as I’m concerned, I would feel that I’d want it to help in a situation where help was needed. There are other tapes around, too. You could listen to Rabbi Horowitz. We had a whole case of Rabbi Horowitz’s tapes, and the whole family listened to them at the time. We were very into it. My husband listened in the car, I listened at night, and my daughters listened. We were all into Rabbi Horowitz’s tapes, and that might even be better for him to hear.
It’s important to find something that gets you both on the same wavelength. But he’ll still do it differently from you, and that’s good. They say it’s a balance. The children need a balance of strict and lenient, soft and rough. They need that balance, and one person can’t do it all. One person can’t be everything. I’m going to be mushy with them, and he’s going to be a little stricter or tougher with them. That’s what they need. It’s a blend; it’s both. We have to be mature and open-minded enough to say, “My husband has his style, and that’s okay.” But it’s good if we can read and learn the same things and show respect.
When your husband hears that you respect what he’s doing, he’ll be more open-minded. Don’t keep telling him, “This is what you should do.” You can say, “I was trying to behave a little differently with the children. I was wondering if maybe working with her in a more positive way would be more beneficial than working with her negatively. I’m finding this,” or “I read this.” Try to see if you can work from that end. Our husbands do not want to hear from us what they should do. It’s okay to have different styles. Husbands and wives will have different styles.
Also, a husband and wife, with Hashem, are the creators of the child. A husband and wife are like—take the role, try to fill the role of Hashem. Hashem is middat ha-din (strict) and middat ha-rachamim (completely merciful). One person can’t do that, but Hashem can. Hashem can be strict and completely merciful at the same time. For us, we needed two: the mother and the father. Sometimes the mother is stricter and the father is the softy, but it’s okay. It’s a balance in the child’s life, as long as, like you’re saying, we’re not contradicting each other in front of the child or putting each other down: “Oh, you don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know what you’re doing. Leave me alone. I’m doing it right.” Starting a fight about parenting in front of the children is the worst thing you can do for your child.
You have to show them that you love each other. Talk to each other in front of the children in a loving, respectful manner. They’re allowed to see that and hear “I love you” between husband and wife. They’re allowed to hear, “That’s fine; that’s how you want to do it. I understand.” Privately, at night, when you want to discuss it, don’t have a fight about it. Discuss which approaches might work and which might be better. You can even say, “Let’s try your way for a couple of weeks, and then let’s try my way for a couple of weeks and test it out.” Be open-minded. Treat your husband as an equal in the family. I don’t think we do. I really don’t. I don’t know if I’m wrong in saying this, but I don’t think we treat our husbands with enough respect and equality in their own family.
A participant said, “I think it’s only because they’re not with the kids all day and don’t know. But, like you’re saying, each kid has a different personality. Your husband’s personality might work with one kid, but what he does isn’t going to work with another.”
Right, right, right. My general feeling, once I understood—and it took many years, and I hope you learn it earlier than I did—was that I wasn’t giving my husband enough respect. When I started giving my husband more respect for his own style, he became more open to hearing about other methods. He became more open when I treated him as an equal.
Psychologically, as women and mothers, we feel very possessive of our children. We don’t even really think they’re his children. Biologically, Baruch Hashem, we all know they’re his children, but emotionally, they’re my children. I have the right to make the decisions because I wake up with them in the middle of the night and you don’t. You go to work all day and get out of this house, and I’m with the kids all day. “They’re mine. Close your mouth. Don’t tell me what to do; they’re mine.” That’s a wrong attitude. It’s definitely a wrong attitude. It doesn’t make for a happy marriage or good parenting. It makes for resentment, and the kids pick up the resentment and feel bad about it. They ask funny questions. They hear it. They hear that resentment.
We’re coming from a psychological standpoint: “Look how hard I work raising the children. Where are you all day?” Here he is, so good and so sweet; he kisses everybody, kicks them, runs them, riles them up, and then he’s off. Then he leaves, and they’re still bouncing off the wall, and you have to get them to bed. It’s like, “Daddy’s home.” But they are his children, and he deserves respect and deserves to be included in the process. We shouldn’t treat him like a baby who has to listen to us. We can discuss it as adults, rationally, while taking care of the children together as a team. They are equally his children, and we are not always right.
If he would be open to listening, I’m telling you, the Rabbi Horowitz tapes were fun to listen to. He had a good style, and we gained a lot from them. My husband learned a lot from them because Rabbi Horowitz’s style is very understanding and sympathetic, while still setting the rules. I found that you can channel it in a way that isn’t you telling your husband what to do. You can give him a choice: he may not want to listen to me, but he might enjoy listening to Rabbi Horowitz or Rabbi Brezak, or another good source. Don’t just take any source from anywhere; choose a good source he can respect. Try to be flexible with him and keep in mind that your husband is part of the system, and that it should be something we’re doing—
So we really discussed only point one today: Deal with your child in a way that gives the impression that the world is a rational, predictable place. We were rational in our own behavior, in explaining things to the children, and in giving them that rational point of view. We were rational about consequences—that certain actions have consequences. There’s rationality in life. We want to be predictable.
Besides rules, I like structure in my day. I like to have a schedule. I do feel that children respond very well to a structured schedule. I don’t mean that you have to be rigid and never go off the schedule. When I ran a playgroup for so many years, I found that when there was structure, the children knew what was coming. They came in and played at the table with puzzles, beading, and other toys they could work with. They knew that after that came dancing, then a project, then lunch. They knew what was coming next. I found that the children had a predictable mindset and knew how to prepare themselves for what was coming next.
When we set up our lives with predictability in terms of a schedule—homework, bath, bed, whatever it is—the child doesn’t have to feel, “Well, what’s going to happen now?” If one day we say no, then say we’re going to Grandma’s house after dinner, and then say we’re going here, and then say we’re not going to have baths, and then we are going to have baths, it’s like their minds are always flying around. They’re not sure where they’re going. We can go off the pattern here and there, but children like predictable patterns. Predictable patterns and schedules make them feel safe and secure, make things seem more rational, and help them feel more secure about what’s coming next.
That’s also good. Don’t be so rigid that your mother calls and says everybody’s over, and you say, “Nope, it’s bedtime,” or, “Nope, it’s naptime, and I can’t.” Once in a while, you can break the rules. Predictability also means a schedule. For a child who needs the schedule, it’s a personality thing he has to learn to adjust to. It’s a personality thing you have to be patient about and talk him through.
Some children need the schedule and predictability, or it throws them off. Sometimes you have to talk to them and prepare them. You can say, “Today we’re going to do something different. It’s not going to be like we usually do. Now we’re going into the car, and the baby isn’t going to be sitting next to you because the baby’s home with Daddy.” If you know this is a child who is very set on patterns and needs predictability, take the time to prepare him for new experiences and things that are off schedule. Talk to them; don’t spring it on them.
Some children love having things sprung on them, and some children can’t handle it; they freak out. You have to know your child. The one who can’t handle new things needs a lot of preparation and talking before it happens. But as a general, basic point, predictability and a schedule help a child have a routine, function more normally, be more rational about the day, and figure out what’s coming next.