We're going to talk about problem-solving with our children, children of all ages. God bless them all. And when we talk about dealing with problems, the handouts that I gave are from a book called Emotionally Intelligent Parenting. So what does it mean, Emotionally Intelligent Parenting? And really, what does it mean? There's a whole concept of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence means understanding that we really do have control of our emotions. Emotions don't happen on their own, without any effort or cause; we cause them to happen. People think that intellect and emotional intelligence seem to be a contradiction. Intelligence is logical thought, and emotions are feelings that you sort of can't do anything about. But emotional intelligence blends the two and says that, in reality, we are in control of our emotions.
We don't want to be in control of our emotions, and it's maybe harder to be in control of our emotions, but we really can be in control of our emotions. Through using our intelligence, we can train our emotions. If I train my mind to think in a certain way, then my reactions to situations will be different, and my emotions can be trained to work differently if I know that it's trainable. When we accept that they're not trainable, we leave them to chance and let things go as they do, and it doesn't go very well. We let our emotions get the better of us.
As parents, we want to have emotional intelligence and be able to keep control. That's something we have to learn how to do, too. A lot of that is cognitive psychology: talking to yourself in difficult times. When emotions get high, we need to calm ourselves down with calming, rational thoughts. We have to keep ourselves from getting riled up in the passion of the moment and really try to stay calm.
It's very, very hard, and we don't do it well enough. But if we're doing it a little bit more than we used to, we have to give ourselves a pat on the back, because it's hard to do. When emotions take over, we can be—it's called “emotional hijacking” in the books—we lose control. We never do a good job when we lose control. We want to be good parents and do a good job as parents. As parents, we want to have emotional intelligence. We have to be strong, and we have to hear the thoughts, because the thoughts we're saying to ourselves in our minds are what make us lose control. If we change those thoughts, we can have more control. Having emotional intelligence as parents is a very important part of parenting.
We also want to teach our children to have emotional intelligence. If we can teach them at a younger age, no matter how old they are now, to have emotional intelligence and behave with emotional intelligence, we're giving them a head start when they become parents. We're giving them a head start for their adult life, so they can deal with situations in an emotionally intelligent manner.
We don't want to be cold, only intellectual, and without emotions. We just want to be in control of our emotions, and we want our children to understand how to be in control of theirs, too. The way we deal with them is going to teach them a pattern, a plan, a format: What do I do when things are getting too hot to handle? What do I do when things are difficult, stressful, or overwhelming? How do I deal with myself now?
If we think about situations in our own lives, how do we deal with them? How do we cope when things are overwhelming?
Someone said, “It depends on who is pulling the strings. It depends on the child you're talking to.”
“Okay. You react differently to each situation.”
“Right, right. But I'm saying, in general. In general, what's your plan?”
Now we're coming up to the holidays. Sometimes Pesach is a very overwhelming time for people, getting everything done and preparing the house and everything for Pesach. If you have a plan, an outline, or a schedule, it's easier to handle. When you walk around saying, “I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I can handle it. I don't know how I'm going to do it all,” you panic, and you don't even produce efficiently.
Having a step-by-step plan is a very important part of it. If I know my step-by-step plan, I can handle situations better than if I just let my mind run away with me.
Once I have things down on paper—which I really like doing—I feel that they're contained. They can't get bigger. They don't have a life of their own when they're only in my mind. It never stops, and they seem to have a life of their own. But once I put them down on paper, they become more tangible, and I'm able to deal with them more. That means I have a schedule, I have a plan. We have to teach our children to do that, too. We have to teach them to schedule and plan for themselves. There is a way. And if they don't, they make their problem your problem now.
What we're trying to do is teach our children emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is being able to deal with our emotions intelligently, intellectually, rationally, and calmly. It's being in control of our emotions instead of letting our emotions control us. We have to stop by working on it on our own, and then we can role model it and teach it to our children. Having emotional intelligence is a blessing. It's going to be a gift, something that's going to help us stay calm and rational in hard times, stressful situations, and difficult situations.
This concept, which I took from this emotional-parenting book by Brian Feldman—I think it's actually Tobias Feldman and another author together, Friedlander, not Feldman. One of the names, one of them I remember is Tobias. That's my maiden name. We're not related. It's a problem-solving technique, and the truth is, you don't have to go through the steps like this. But understanding the format helps you deal with problems that come up between a parent and a child. The first part of it: he gives it the name FIG TEST SPIN, which is just the acronym for the steps we'll be taking.
The first part is to recognize feelings. The first thing we need to do when a child comes to us all agitated and upset about a problem is acknowledge the feelings. Before we tell them to calm down, before we tell them to stop shouting, and before we even start giving them solutions—which really wouldn't be what we want to do off the bat—the first step should be recognizing the feelings. “You really seem so angry. You're so upset. What happened?” Discuss the child's feelings. First, just mention what you notice.
It's important to teach children different vocabulary for feelings. “How are you feeling?” should be able to be answered in a large variety of ways. It shouldn't just be good or bad. It shouldn't just be “I'm feeling bad.” Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling depressed? Are you lonely? Are you overwhelmed? Are you uncomfortable? There are a lot of words, and each word means something else.
When we think about our own feelings, it's important to learn to clarify exactly what we're feeling right now. We should do that for ourselves. Don't just walk around saying, “I'm feeling lousy. I'm just feeling lousy. I'm feeling lousy.” When you hear yourself say, “I'm not feeling good,” be your own therapist and say to yourself, “Exactly what am I feeling?” Sometimes we're bored and think we're depressed. We're really not depressed; we're bored. When we tell ourselves, “I'm so depressed,” we could actually become depressed, because our mind starts thinking in the direction we're putting it in.
But if I clarify and think to myself, “You know something, I'm bored. I am bored. I need to do something,” and you call up a friend and you go to a museum or you go do something together, you pinpoint the feeling. It helps you to understand your problem. It helps you to identify the problem. Sometimes you're feeling lousy, and all it is is that you're tired. You're really not bored; there's tons you can do. And you're really not unhappy. Sometimes you're just tired, just plain old tired.
Sometimes when I'm tired, I think I'm hungry. Does that happen? I notice it in myself. Sometimes when I can't understand why I won't stop eating, it's because I'm tired. My body feels like maybe if I eat something, I'll get energy, so I keep eating. I'm thinking to myself, “Why am I—” because I'm not really figuring out my feeling. My feeling is tiredness, not hunger. I'm confusing the feeling in my brain, and therefore I'm reacting the wrong way. I need a nap. I don't need to go into the closet for the 14th time.
Clarifying feelings is important, and so is helping our children clarify their feelings. Vocabulary helps us clarify. If you don't have enough words, it hurts you intellectually, too—not just in how you express yourself to other people, but in how you understand yourself. Working on developing emotional vocabulary at a young age and as children grow up helps people understand themselves better.
Being frustrated is different from being irritated. There's a difference. You're frustrated when you're trying to do something and it's not going, it's not happening. You feel irritated when someone might be annoying you. There are different words, and each word means something else. Try to use as many words as you can with your children, even older children. If our children are already older and we're past the teaching stage, you can offer clarification. You can ask, “Well, you really are—” or ask a question: “Are you frustrated? Are you overwhelmed?” Try to get them to clarify what their feeling is. That'll help us pinpoint the problem.
Identifying the problem is the next part. Let's say I feel totally overwhelmed, and I'm frazzled. Sometimes you have to identify the problem. So what is the problem? Maybe Pesach is coming, and that gets me crazy. Identify the problem first. You have to know what the problem is.
Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed and frazzled and I don't identify the problem, I don't really handle it. I don't. If I don't identify the problem and I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll just be snappy and irritable and do my thing. Then, when I realize what the problem really is, if I take steps toward the solution, I can start taking those feelings away from me. It's taking control of your emotions and not just going with them. Identify the problem.
Some questions we could use to help identify the problem with our children are: What exactly happened? What happened before this? What were you doing? What was so-and-so doing? What happened after? Be interested and ask them questions that can open things up and help find out what the problem really was. What happened there? Why are you feeling—We've already established the feeling. What is the problem that's causing that feeling?
Now you're going into the next step. You have those feelings: “I'm terribly frustrated.” “Why are you frustrated?” “You know, I need—I have a lot of things to do, and I don't have enough time to do them.” Okay, now we have the problem.
When we can understand the problem, we can go on to a goal. What would you like to accomplish? What is the goal? Guide the child to have a goal. This works for us as well as for anybody else. We have to learn to do it with ourselves in order to teach it to children in our own homes. What is your goal?
I have to know what my goal is. If it's Pesach, my goal is to be ready by the time the Seders (Passover meal) start, with everything done and correct. If my goal is the marks I want to get in school and what I want to do, which homework is coming up next, this might be what a child is overwhelmed by: an abundant amount of schoolwork that they feel they can't handle. What's their goal?
Now, when you talk about what's your goal, let's say your child is having a problem getting all the work done at school, feeling very overwhelmed and unable to handle it. The problem might be that there's too much to handle at school. But what is the goal? Is the goal to pass? Is the goal to get into an Ivy League college? Is the goal to be a businessman, or is the goal to be a doctor? What is it? If the schoolwork is not the only problem, the problem is identifying the problem: school is too difficult for me, and I'm having a hard time getting everything done. But what is your goal?
Even with Pesach, my problem might be wanting to get everything done on time. But my goal—and this is what my goal should be—is really to have a happy, meaningful Pesach with my family. I don't want to blow that goal on the details. Once you set your goal, it's going to change how you want to handle the problem. I have a goal, and I have to remember it. I want to have a stress-free Seder. Besides that, the food and everything gets done. I want to have a stress-free Seder. That means I have to change my plan a little bit. Identifying the problem isn't enough. You also have to know the goal.
One of the examples given is that a person—a girl, let's say—wants to be more popular. Her problem is that she doesn't have friends or isn't popular. But what is her goal? She might be thinking later on in life about shiduchim (matchmaking). She might be thinking, like, what's your goal? We want to know what her goal is. The goal is a little bit beyond the actual problem. She knows her goals, but the homework's still there and she has no friends. Okay, so that was two problems. We're going to stick to one problem. One problem.
Let's say she says she has no friends. When you pull it out of her, the goal she's worried about is, “Who's going to marry her if she's—” or “How's she going to get married if she doesn't have friends and people don't like her?” Now you're clarifying a higher goal. The higher goal is going to be: You don't have to be friends with everybody. What type of people do you want to be friends with? If your goal is to marry this type of boy, then you don't need to be popular in those crowds. You need to be popular in these crowds. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it focuses on the past. Let's say now with the homework—
If your child is having a hard time with homework and that's the problem, but the goal is to get by in school—one of my kids, I used to tell her, you know, she really didn't—I mean, I guess in her own mind and in comparison with her sisters, who were doing better than she was, she had a little bit of a reading disability, and that gave her a lack of self-esteem when it came to school. It was extra hard for her.
I felt her goal was—and I told her—“Just do as well as you can, as good as you can, and get past it, because once you get out of school, you're a very successful person and you don't have the tests anymore and you don't have the book learning anymore.” Her goal was to do well, but to pass. Her goal wasn't to get a hundred.
If a child's goal is to be a professional, a lawyer or a doctor, then their standards have to be much higher. They really can't relax their standards if that's their goal. Their goal is different. The goal helps you know to what level you need to work on the problem. Your goal is going to define how much you have to do and what level you need to reach.
You have to see what kind of kid it is, too. You have to see if she can be pushed.
“Right. If she wants to be a doctor, you know.”
“Right. Your daughter, like, she just wants to get by. You're not going to push her so crazy. But if your daughter told you not to be a doctor, you're not sure, no?”
“Right. Is that what you're supposed to do?”
So, no. Then we're going to say, okay, so then if your goal is to be a doctor, what do you need to reach that goal? What average do you have to have? At which point does that average count, what subjects need to be stressed, okay? If you have a goal, you know she wants to be a doctor, then her biology is going to be very important to her. And, you know, certain subjects are going to be more important to her, and a certain average is going to have to be maintained if she's going to want to get into a medical school.
That's a goal. You don't have to push a child who wants to be a businessperson to the same degree as a person who wants to be a doctor. The goal makes a difference in what we're going to do with the problem. Understanding the goal is important, too. It's going to change our direction in how we handle the problem.
The next part is to think of things I can do. Once we've recognized the feelings, identified the problems, and understood the goal, we're going to have to make a plan and think of things to do. What are the steps I need to take to deal with this problem? Now that I'm focused, I understand where my feelings are coming from, I know what the problem is, and I know what the higher goal is. There's the immediate problem and the higher goal. I'm going to keep them both in mind, and then I'm going to think of things to do.
We're training our children to go through these steps. We're training them to think like this so that when they're on their own, they can think like this without our guidance. First, you guide them to understand their feelings, identify their problem, understand their goal, and then think of things to do. Once I get to that point, my pen and paper come out, and I make a list. I understand my problem, I know my goal; make your list. At that point, you have to think of things that could help you get through the problem.
With the child who has schoolwork, you have to try to get them to come up with their own solutions. Ask them, “What do you think might help?” We discussed the problem. We know the problem. We know the goal. What might help? The more they can bring in their own solutions, the more willing they'll be to work on it. Plus, they'll learn to do it on their own sometimes. They won't always have to have you pulling it out of them. They'll be focused. They'll say, “Oh, I feel lousy. Wait a minute. Exactly how am I feeling?” Then, once they figure that out, they're going to say, “Wait a minute. This is the problem. This is what I want.”
Next, think of outcomes: What can I do? You start figuring it out with them. Do you need a tutor? Do you need extra help in this classroom, maybe from the teacher, who could give you extra reading to do or an idea of what else could help you understand the material? Do you need a friend who could go over things with you? Do you need more study time? You have to come up with different ways of handling things, different solutions that might help, and work out a list of things that might happen.
Try to think of as many as you can. Don't stop with the first one they come up with. Your child comes up with a solution, and it might even sound good. Don't be in a rush to jump at it and say, “So do that,” just because it's the first thing they say. Even if it sounds good, say, “Can you think of something else? Let's come up with a few. That one's good. Maybe something else.” Teach them to think outside the box. Teach them to think of a few possibilities before they jump on something. It's a good way of dealing with life. There are other ways to handle things. There's not only one quick answer, and the quick answer is not always the best answer.
If they're listening a little bit more and trying to think of other ways, maybe something will come up that they never thought of. “Okay, I never thought of that one. That's something I can try.” Get them to think of as many different solutions as possible, different ways of handling the situation. Write things down, and then you'll cross things out and decide what works and what doesn't.
Envision the outcomes, both short- and long-term, for the child and for how it will affect the people around them. After they come up with a list of things they might do, you need to guide them in thinking about the consequences of those choices and how things might play out. Think beyond the choice itself, into the future of that choice. What's going to happen? Picture what might happen if you actually made that choice. Think it through a little bit longer.
You're saying you want a tutor. Okay, fine. How is that going to affect you? How is that going to affect us? I remember one of my daughters, God bless her, was taking piano lessons. It was my first one, and I'm first, you know, we're all excited about piano lessons. The teacher was so wrong for my household because my kids were all little and my house wasn't so big, and she wanted total silence. Total silence. The phone couldn't ring. We were all panicking. If my daughter wanted to get a glass from the kitchen, we were all nervous. She had us so nervous that we couldn't move, because she wanted such total silence. Not only that, but she wanted my daughter to practice in total silence, like every night. I don't know how many. We said goodbye and wished her lots of good luck, but maybe my daughter would pick out a different instrument or something. We got a different teacher who was much more down to earth and understood that life is real, and that this kid didn't have to be in total isolation to play the piano.
What are the consequences for everybody involved? How much is that tutor going to cost? Who's paying for that tutor? Can we afford that tutor down the line? Think through the consequences. Think, “Okay, you're going to go, ‘I'm going to study with my friend.’” Who's going to take you there? How are you going to get home? How are you going to get the rest of your homework done? Thinking things through is important. It's important for a child to be able to think of the consequences, take a suggestion a few steps further, and see where it gets you. Envision it; play it out in your mind. Help them imagine: “If you did this for a while, how would you feel? How would it work? Would it work? What would the consequences be?” Let them think long-term and short-term. How is this possibility going to happen? How is it going to work?
The idea that a child should always know that things have consequences, that there are short- and long-term reactions to what they choose to do, is an important learning experience. It will help them think things through in life and say, “If I do that, how is it going to affect the people around me? How is it going to affect me?” That's a good thing to teach us to do.
Then you have to select your best solution. The child should look through the options together with you. The reason you do it together is that you need to give them guidance, depending on the age of the child. What solution really seems like it'll work? Which ones will get you to your goal? What do you think you should try first? After you've looked at the long- and short-term effects, you're ready to select which one sounds like it would work and choose it. Choose a solution from the list that you think might work.
Now you have to plan it out. Okay, you plan to get a tutor. How do you get a tutor? Who are you going to get? You need a plan. Maybe you could ask the principal or the teacher. Maybe there's someone you know who has a good tutor. Maybe you could put up a bulletin, a bulletin board—there's a bulletin board of help wanted or whatever—or ask people. You need a plan. You can't just jump into something. You really have to plan it out.
“Do you know she's a good teacher? I had my piano teacher. I wish I had planned it a little bit better. I could maybe have found out that this type of teacher wasn't the right type for me. I feel like at this point it would just be, ‘Forget it, forget it.’ It would be too much for me to think about something we do. You know what I'm saying?”
“Yes, I do know what you're saying.”
We need to shorten it or let them handle it on their own, but give them a plan for handling it. Teach them what it means to handle it, for whatever amount of time they'll listen to what you have to say. You have to keep it very short and condensed. But sometimes, depending on the child, if it doesn't sound like you're lecturing, and instead sounds like you want to help them solve the problem and really care about them and are just trying to be helpful, then they may not feel like you're lecturing them.
It's a good point, because how I'm helping them through it is also going to make a difference in whether they want that help or not. If I'm saying to them, “Well, you need to make a plan, and you need to get a solution, and think of solutions,” and they're feeling like they're being scolded instead of helped, then you're right. I feel they would run away from it.
I'm trying to think of my own children, who are daughters, so I'm not sure how the boys react to help. It also depends on the child, whether they like help or not. Do they not want help? But if my daughter is going through something hard and wants my help, and I say, “It really sounds hard, and it really sounds frustrating. Let's think about what we could do. Maybe we could think of something. I'll be here with you. I'll write it down. Let's think of something together. I don't want you to have to go through this. Let's do something,” then it depends on how it's put to them. They have to feel that you really care. If they want to run away, say, “Fine, it's okay. But while you're upstairs, try to think of a few different solutions, and maybe later we'll go over them together.” Don't be overbearing or make them feel they're being put down by the plan.
Okay, now, what's your plan? Do you have a plan? “No, I don't have a plan. Leave me alone. I don't have a plan.” But you can just say, “That sounds like a great idea. Maybe we could work out a way to make it work. What do you think?” If you want my help, just give it to them in the way that you have to know your child. Know how to back off. But if you have to back off, do it in a way that puts a seed in their brain.
Let's say they say, “All right, all right, finish, finish, finish.” You say, “Okay, fine. But if you do want to think of a plan together, let me know. Maybe we can work it out.” If they want to think of a plan, they can go upstairs and think of one. Maybe it puts a seed in their brain that there's a plan that needs to be worked out here. You can't just jump into something. It doesn't happen like that. It doesn't work like that.
Sometimes we can explain making a plan to a person. Say, “Honey, it's like when Daddy and I wanted to buy a new car. We didn't just walk into the dealer and walk out with the car. We had a plan. We wanted to know what kind of car we wanted, and we wanted to look it up in the Consumer Reports: Which one has the fewest repairs necessary, and what's the best payback value after a certain amount of time? If you want to do something, you want to do it right. We do that, too. Making a plan is part of doing something well. If you want my help, I'll help you with it.”
Then let them do it on their own if they want to, depending on the age of the child. Definitely, these things work better when we're sitting here than when we're doing them with our children. But there could be a way to get it into them and give them a little more skill to work problems out by themselves. When I think about learning this to help my children, I really do it for myself, too. It's what I learn, and I'm trying to learn how to deal with my own problems in a more mature way. This is dealing with problems in a more mature way.
When I feel myself getting overwhelmed, I identify my own feelings. I identify my own problem, and I think of my own goal. I do this to myself in order to keep me on and say, “Okay, now make a list of things you could do.” Then, notice what happens; that means you have to monitor your own list, monitor your own choices. Is this working or is it not working? I tried this. It didn't work. I have to try something else.
The kids who don't want to be told what to do are not going to take to all of this control. You have to do it in a way that doesn't make them feel controlled, but that you're trying to teach them to be more in control of themselves. Tell them, “This is a process for you to do. It's not a process for me to do. This is for you to do.” Sometimes I would be able to tell my child, “Well, you know what I do when I'm overwhelmed?” Then just say, “When I'm overwhelmed, I know I have to make a list, but once I have my list, I feel better. I have a plan, and I know what I want to do and when I want to do it.”
For Pesach, this is my first year that I started some things before Purim. My plan was always that I could start after Purim. But you know what type of things I started? Things that have nothing to do with Pesach, but I do them every year before Pesach. They have nothing—there's no Chametz (leavened food). I took off my curtains, the shears, washed them, and put them back on the windows. That's not Pesach. It's spring cleaning. It has nothing to do with Chametz. I could eliminate it totally, but I don't want to, and I know I'm going to want to do it before Pesach comes. So I said, “Why do I have to wait before Purim? I could do that from now.” If I want to clean my ceiling fans, which I don't do often enough, I could do that now. I didn't have a plan for which things—the upstairs could be done before the kitchen, before the downstairs—depending on the age of the children.
My daughter has—she said my children purposely hide candy under their mattress. That's where they take their candy. They hide it in their rooms. You tell them no food upstairs, so that's not going to help, depending on the age of the children. I'm definitely in a different situation. My kids are married. The house is empty. I can do whatever I want. But it's a plan. If you have a plan, you feel calmer. I feel like I started something. I feel like I'm doing something. I have a plan. I have a direction.
Teaching our children to do that will give them confidence in life that they can handle difficult situations. It's not only for the problem you're teaching them to get over right now. It's a way of dealing with stress, emotions, problems, and difficult situations. That's a skill we need to give them.
We have to try to do it in a way that they don't get sick of hearing it and aren't in the mood to do it. After we have our plan, we can ask, “How would you do it?” “What's your plan?” “Show me what you're going to do.” Maybe we can practice going over it together, depending on the child. Depending on the child, of course.
A kid might be going for a job interview and be really scared and worried about it, and not know how to handle it. You can role-play it with them. After you've decided what to do, say, “Okay, make believe…” They may say, “Oh, leave me alone,” and walk away. They may be okay with it, and they may want to think it out. What are some of the questions the interviewer might ask you?
When my girls were dating, they wanted to know what situations might come up in dating and how to handle them. Depending on the child, if the child will go through it a little bit with you, offer to role-play it: “Do you want me to pretend to be the interviewer and see how you handle yourself?” If the answer is no, it's no. But maybe they'll go upstairs and think of what questions the interviewer might ask them because you already put that in their mind. That's something they might be willing to do.
The last part is to notice what happened and consider what I will do next. I think what that really should mean in parenting and being a good mother is to follow up. I wish I'd do that more often. “Honey, I remember you were worried about that test. How did it go?” Sometimes we go through the problem with them, but then it's out of our minds. We forget it. It's nice when someone thinks of you afterward, too. “You were worried about talking to that teacher. What happened? Did you see her? You wanted to ask that person to come over. Did you see her? Did you meet her?” You follow through. That's nice, too.
Not only is it nice, but then you can say, “If that plan didn't work, maybe we could try a different one. Maybe we could try something else.” It's a long, drawn-out plan, a long, drawn-out process. But you don't do the whole thing all the time, and you're not necessarily handling each situation like this. Have it clear in your mind that certain times you'll be able to. Sometimes you're only talking about feelings. Sometimes you're only talking about the plan. Sometimes you're focusing on the follow-up. You may not be doing it all together, because they can't handle it all together. You're giving them, bit by bit, a little at a time, for whatever they'll sit through, the concept of what it means to handle things in a logical, planned-out manner.
That's part of parenting: teaching our children how to deal with their own problems in a good way. There is a trouble tracker here that I've never used. I've honestly never used it with my children. I wonder if I should try it with my grandchildren now, because I wasn't really—depending on the ages. I have a couple of grandchildren, two of my—the first two of my boys—that are eight years old, very avid readers. First of all, they're avid readers. They're very intellectual, and they love doing things like puzzles. I can see myself photocopying this sheet a few times and, when there's a problem, letting them read it and circle the answers and stuff. They're eight years old. They might be into it. I'm not even sure. I'm going to try it and see what kind of a reaction I get.
One of the reactions was about children who were always coming to their mother to solve all their problems. It was annoying to the mother. She wanted them to figure out their own solutions and leave her alone. She didn't want to be bothered every 10 minutes: “He did this, and I didn't want that,” and all that kind of complaining. It was annoying. So she took these trouble trackers, as they're called, and photocopied them. Whatever they fought about, she handed one to them.
They didn't want to fill it out, but they gave up on coming back to their mother for a solution because she was putting it back on them and saying, “Well, if you fill all this out, I'll help you.” Maybe the child is in the mood and is going to say, “Yeah, I'm going to tell her, and I'm going to write it all down,” because they're that type of kid. Maybe they're going to say, “I'm not bothering Mommy anymore, because she's a pain in the neck, and she's not going to—that's what she's going to do.” They'll find a way to figure out their solution on their own, which is good, too. You really would like them to do that. You don't need them to come and tell you every little thing that happens between them. They can figure some of their solutions out by themselves.
If you wanted to do this, it would be interesting to see their reactions and whether it works or doesn't work. I don't really know. Trying to give our children a way of handling themselves when they're out of control, keeping them from getting to the point of being out of control, and teaching them to deal with problems in an organized way can help them in life. It's a skill we want them to have: to be self-disciplined and self-controlled, and to be able to solve their own problems when they have a plan and a direction. That's what this is supposed to be able to do.
The truth is, it's extremely important that we set limits in our home. A child, like any person, feels more secure when they know their limits. They feel more secure and happier when there are rules to follow and they know what the rules are. They're clear about what the rules are. Being left alone to do what you want, especially for a child, is not a good place to be. It's a feeling of being lost, being vulnerable, and not being sure what's going to happen to you.
Even a child who complains about rules needs rules, and they like the rules. They complain about them, but they want them and need them. You can't listen to the complaints and say, “I'm not going to put down rules because this child doesn't like rules.” Rules are necessary. Limits are necessary. A child needs to know there's a certain time to come home. You have to be home at a certain time. There are certain things we're allowed to do, and certain things we're not allowed to do. It's not “figure it out on your own.” That's not good parenting.
Good parenting doesn't say, “You'll have to make your own decisions in life, so try everything, go everywhere, do everything, and you'll figure it out for yourself.” That's not good parenting. There have to be limits. They have to be limits within reason. They have to be limits that make sense to the child, something they can feel the understanding and love in. They have to know it's coming from your love and concern for them. And it has to be something they can hopefully adhere to.
“Yes. Go to the basement. There's someone in the basement.”
“He's coming the right way, the wrong way.”
Having clear limits with your children is a very good thing. They should know the rules. They should know the law. They should know what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. They can't try everything. It's not trial and error. We don't want them—You know, there are certain things that can be trial and error, and there are certain things that are bottom line. No, I do not want my children to experiment, chas veshalom (God forbid), with drugs. There is no way that's acceptable. I do not want my children to be in places in the city that are promoting the wrong behavior if that's not where they're supposed to be. There are limits: where you can go, where you can't go, what you should do, and what you shouldn't do. Clear limits are very important in raising our children.
But it should be done in a way that helps them realize it's coming from love and concern. They are allowed to discuss it with us. They are allowed to challenge us on it, and they are allowed to negotiate. We have to listen to their side of the story. If we see from what they're saying that it makes sense, and I was too strict, and what I'm saying isn't fair, "I am allowed to go, I am allowed to come down on my limits," I'm allowed to come down on my rules only if I'm really convinced that they're right, not just because I don't want to hear the nagging anymore.
I have to be strong that what's right is right. But I have to be open to compromise and willing to listen to my child if my limits are not fair, if they're not taking into account what the child is actually living through, going through, or needs in their life.
You can negotiate your limits and ask them, “What part of it bothers you? How can we compromise on it?” Maybe that's part of it: the child sees that you're willing to discuss things with them and negotiate as long as it makes sense. Tell them, “Honey, if it's still going to be safe for you, if I still feel that it's okay for you, I'm willing to change. I'm willing to compromise, but I'm not willing to compromise if it's going to hurt you. I'm not willing to compromise if it's really going to be dangerous for you. I can't do that. I love you too much to let you get away with that. But let me hear your ideas. Let me hear what you're thinking. Maybe some of it you're right about. Maybe I don't know what's happening. Maybe I don't know enough about what goes on, and maybe I don't know what the proper limits are for what you're up to in your life.”
Sometimes we don't—we don't grow without children, and now, when we're disciplining, we're still giving them the rules that were 10 years ago. They're not on those rules anymore; they're not up to that anymore. We didn't change with the times, and we need a little clarification in our own minds about what they're up to.
It's not weak for a parent to negotiate with a child. I don't think so. I think it shows concern. It shows that you trust the child. It shows that you feel the child is mature and intelligent enough to make decisions, too, but you want to be the one to make sure it's within reasonable limits.
Reasonable limits are negotiable as long as you don't back down just because they're next, just because they're crying, just because she's so upset and all her friends are going to this club in the city that's really bad for her, but you don't want to see her unhappy. You're willing to send her out where she could get hurt because you don't want to see her unhappy. That's not giving in properly. But there could be other things we do need to give in to. We can admit, “That makes a lot of sense. I didn't think of it like that before, and I hear what you're saying. Let's change on that one.” Compromise and go over limits, but have rules. Have clear rules.
Let them know. The child whose mother is—there's a bunch of kids, and nobody's mother seems to care that they're out till all hours of the night. Nobody seems to care that they're coming home at crazy hours, what they're doing, or where they're going. The one kid says, “My mother will kill me. I've got to get home.” The truth is, the other kids—and I really think they are a little bit jealous that that mother cares, that she's involved, that she's concerned. They don't always love being left alone. They don't really, even if they think they're so lucky; they're not so lucky. Even the kids know it.
Even the kids know that when the mother cares and is concerned, and the rules are there within reason—not within reason, but the rules are there—I think the children know that if it's given from love, care, and concern, and we're open to negotiation and compromise, the child is going to feel lucky to be brought up in a family that loves them and cares about them. They're not just being left to whatever is out there by themselves, without anyone there to help them.
So, B'ezrat Hashem (with God's help), we should do well with our children.