Welcome back to A Torah Marriage Series with Rabbi Eli Cohen, class number 11. That's my number, 917-837-0102, if you'd like to call, schedule a session, or ask a marriage-related question, as many people have, and finally get the help they need in their marriage with a lot of siyata dishmaya (divine assistance).
Today's topic: I want to continue last week's topic, the mine, yours, and ours concept. I want this to become more popular and more people to become familiar with this very unknown concept. Mine, yours, and ours is the foundation of a healthy relationship. I spoke about it in the other class: decision-making gets confusing. Some relationships get it right, and it just works. It goes. Some relationships don't get it right. They find themselves battling their spouse: “Let's do this.” “No, let's do that.” “No, you do this.” “Why are you telling me to do that?” “No, it's mine.” “Let's decide.” “No, why did you do that without me?” If that's happening, then this is a formula that will prevent that and preserve the relationship. Everyone will feel at ease making decisions in their territory and know where their boundaries are. It's very, very simple, without getting all messed up and confused.
So, with mine, yours, and ours, everybody should decide what they do, anything that pertains to themselves: what I eat, what I wear, where I go, of course taking the other person into consideration. Anything that's shared—children, where you live, and so on—and anything involving shared decision-making that you both have a right to should be discussed together.
Now, I want to elaborate a little more because people have been sending in questions and emails and getting confused. People are asking me, “Let's take an example of a man who wants to wear certain clothes or even drive a certain car, and the wife says, ‘It's a reflection on me. I don't like how you look in that. I don't like how you look in that car.’” That's point number one. Many women or men will say, “It's a reflection on me, how I am.” And not only that: “Shouldn't you do this if you love me? Why can't you just wear that shirt if you love me? If it makes me happy, why won't you do it? What's going on in your mind?”
So, I want to clarify. I want to clarify. This whole concept is not a rights bit. It's not that this is my thing and don't come near me. That's not what it is. Every person—and I mentioned this; this is a theme if you're following my 11 classes—is their own unique individual. People express themselves in the way that they talk, the way that they act, and the way that they dress. You know, clothes make a man. What cars they drive, who their friends are, their shoes—that's how people express themselves. Everyone has a way of doing it in a healthy way, as their own unique individual.
I'm not talking about anything over the top or weird, like wearing, as I said, a clown, or driving a Lamborghini, where people don't have that. I'm talking about what's within accepted norms. Everybody has their own way of operating. That example of a Lamborghini was a little bit off. But everybody has their own way of operating. To take away a person's way of operating, his mode of operation—the way that he eats, the way that he sleeps, the way that he dresses—is to take away him. It's trying to stifle him or her and say, “No, you're going to operate differently. You're not going to operate the way you naturally operate because it doesn't make me comfortable.” That's not healthy. It's not a healthy thing to take away someone's autonomy, his individuality. The way that she exists and normally operates is just so unhealthy. Even though it's something that would make you happy, it's something that makes them unhealthy. It's very, very important.
Controlling someone doesn't work. It doesn't make for a healthy relationship. You might get what you want, but it's not good. Laura Doyle, I saw recently in her book, says a wonderful line: connection and control cannot coexist. Control—you want to control, that's fine. You want to say, “Oh, if you love me, you'll do it,” and that's fine. But control and connecting with someone cannot coexist. She couldn't be more right. When someone feels controlled, they don't feel like a partner. They feel subservient to you, whether a man or a woman. They feel subservient. They feel inadequate. They feel horrible. That's just the way someone feels. Now, how do you think someone's going to relate to you or feel about you if they feel controlled by you? Not so great. Not so great. And then you would like to control how they feel, too, and say, “Oh, you're going to be so bitter tonight because of the shirt I told you to wear.” Yeah, they're going to be bitter. You want to control how they act and how they feel. That's the way it works. That's the way you feel. That's very, very, very controlling. It's not healthy. That's point number one. It's unhealthy.
To the point of the other question people ask me: “Shouldn't you do it if you love me? Shouldn't you do this if you love me?” I'll throw that right back at them: “Shouldn't you allow me to wear my shirt if you love me?” Meaning, I want to wear the shirt and you don't. Okay, it's either going to be me or you. You're saying, “If I love you, I'll wear it.” But I'm saying, “Okay, yeah, I love you. I'll do it, but now I don't feel loved. If you love me, you would let me wear it.” So what are you going to say back to that? Because I don't have an answer to that question. What are you going to say back to that? No, it doesn't work. If you want to be successful in your relationship, you have to be able to do things correctly and properly and methodically, and not just whatever. You know what I mean?
Another point I want to bring out—I know it's a lot of points—but another point: if this were a man telling his wife, and I got a phone call and discussed that phone call here, with a wife saying, “My husband tells me what to wear, what to do, what to eat,” people would say, “This is abusive.” Why is that abusive? And if a woman does it to a man, it's not abusive? Is psychological and emotional abuse something that men are capable of and women are not? I don't believe in that. I don't believe that's true at all. So we understand that concept because we'll say it's abusive. “Well, because she's weaker.” What if I have a soft man who doesn't like to be controlled or yelled at? “Well, he's supposed to be stronger. Nobody's being hurt.” So why do we understand it more that way?
All this is to bring out the point that decision-making should be done by the person it applies to directly. And if it indirectly affects somebody else, then so be it. The one who's making the decision should be more sympathetic and tell their spouse, “I understand that you wanted me to wear that. I totally get you, and it would make you happy. I just can't wear that. Maybe another time. Maybe it's not the right time right now. Maybe another time. Tonight I would like to wear this. I hope you can understand.” That's the most you can do. But giving in out of fear just doesn't make for a healthy relationship. You can do it. Like Laura Doyle says all the time, you can do it. But there's a high price tag. That price tag is less connection.
So, just clarifying this point of mine, yours, and ours: this is delicate stuff. If you find that boundaries have hijacked your relationship, all decision-making is a mess, and even this class is confusing, I have a book, Where You End and I Begin. I do counseling, and this is definitely something I deal with all the time. So pray to Hashem. Be wise, be patient. You should have a wonderful relationship.