Welcome back, everyone, to the I Todah Marriage Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen, where we're talking about the basics of marriage and building it up, understanding what marriage is all about on a real, practical level—something that you can actually apply. I'm a marriage counselor.
In the first class, we spoke about what a relationship is. I advise you to go listen to that before this one, but whatever, I'll give a brief review of it. A relationship consists of two valid individuals, which means two people with different wants and desires and different modes of operation, and understanding and accepting that. Accepting that it's not “your way or the highway”—that's not a relationship. Once you accept and understand that there's somebody else here, that there's another adult in the house who also has an opinion and a say in things, the goal would be to learn how to work with somebody else. That's how you become one. We're one unit together—not that each one of us is the same, but we're one unit together. One of them obliterates themselves completely, and now we're me, and now you blend it into me. That's not one. That's not anything.
Today, I want to talk about what it looks like and how it manifests, to give more of a visual picture of what's going on here, because the first class was a little theoretical. When the lines are crossed and people don't understand what a relationship is, it usually turns into control. Usually, one of the two controls the other, criticizing them and dictating how they should do things and what they should and shouldn't do. “I give you permission to go there. I don't allow you to go,” or “Somebody will answer spells.” “Can I go?” “Yes, I allow you to go.” “No, I don't allow you to go, as long as you're here before this time. I don't allow it.” That's not good. Ladies and gentlemen who are listening, that's not correct. It's incorrect. From a professional standpoint, any professionals in the business will tell you that's not a relationship. That's incorrect.
I'm really going to reiterate this, so pay attention before you get all like, you know, “Whoa, what is this? This is new. Whoa, I thought marriage classes were like, you know, buying your wife flowers and telling your husband how much you appreciate his work,” which is also very important. But just because it's important doesn't mean it's the only thing we talk about. We talk about stuff that, whatever. So that's how it manifests. Now, it's not good. It's controlling. Again, that's against the way that we describe it. Or the description of a relationship is, you're saying, no, we're going to do it my way and I'm going to tell you what to do. I'm going to tell you what not to do.
You might find that in a parent-child relationship, with children. You tell the child what to do and what not to do. You tell them there are consequences and rewards, and so on. Why do we do that? Because children don't know better. Children don't know better, and that's what you're here for. You're here to teach them what's correct. You're here to guide them and protect them. So, a very young child going outside near the street is in danger. He could go near the street, God forbid. He needs a warning: “Don't you dare. Don't go near.” However you do it, I'm not getting into chinuch (education) tips on how to do it properly. Don't do it. And if he does it, there's a consequence. Whatever that is, talk to your rabbi about that. That's a parent, a loving parent, a caring parent, telling a child who doesn't know what to do, who doesn't know better. There have to be some guidelines because he doesn't know. And even if he does know, he's going to push his limits because he's going to try to get away with things. He's not mature enough to realize right from wrong. That's a parent-child relationship.
Even then, there's no control. You're not controlling them. You don't own them. You don't own your child. You don't own anyone. Nobody on this planet actually owns anybody. There is no relationship with the feeling, “I own this person, this thing, this employee,” whatever it might be. So, for sure, in a marriage, where there are two mature adults, each one understands what they're doing. They make their own decisions. They know how to make decisions. Before you were married, they were functioning properly and doing their own thing. They weren't falling on their faces. I'm not talking about extreme cases where you have an alcoholic. I'm talking about a man going to work. He was functioning; he goes to shul (synagogue). A woman was doing her thing. She was working or whatever she does. Same thing. So you have two functioning people. They know what to do. They know right from wrong. But when you tell them, “No, you can't do this,” you are telling them that they're not capable, that you know better and they don't know better. That's a parent-child relationship. It's not a husband-wife relationship.
How does it look if you see your spouse doing something you don't like, or you're concerned? You tell them. That's how relationships work. You express it nicely, and you discuss it. A healthy relationship, especially a marriage, means you let them know and discuss it. “Hey, I know you go out with those friends.” “Yeah, yeah, this is my best friend.” This is my little scenario here. “Hey, you're going out with that friend.” “Yeah, I know. That's my best friend.” “You know, of course, I love you and I trust you, and I know you know what's best. It just concerns me that, you know, there are certain behaviors he displays.” “Yeah, me too. It concerns me too. What do you think?” “I don't know. I don't know. What do you think?” “I don't know. Let's talk about this.” “Okay.” That's healthy. That's beautiful. That's love. That's respect. That's a marriage. That's the way it should be. You're both discussing and acknowledging that there's something there, and you're letting your spouse know in a healthy way.
Now, you could let them know—let's say it's a wife to her husband—“Oh, it would just really... I'm so nervous. It would just be so... I don't know. Could you find other friends? What do you think? Maybe you could find someone else. It just gets me so nervous. What do you think about that?” Most likely, when people are not threatened and they're not forced, they do the right thing and they do what you want them to do. Most likely. Not to manipulate, but that's usually how it works. If your spouse says, “Oh, I'm okay,” then they're okay. They're okay unless it's something dangerous. It's a pikuach nefesh sakana (something dangerous). Yes, I'm not talking about that. They need professional help. You need professional help to know how to deal with that. I'm talking about day-to-day stuff. You don't like your spouse's clothes. You don't like the job they're in. Whatever it is, you just don't like certain habits that are not dangerous. I'm not talking about smoking. Even that we could talk about, but I'm not talking about that. Day-to-day stuff should be off limits and spoken about in a mature way.
I hope it's clear. Don't cross the lines. Don't control your spouse. They're an adult, a mature adult. Learn how to communicate. This is from a professional standpoint. Talk to a professional therapist. Communicate. They'll all tell you: communication. This is how you have a healthy relationship. Communicate what you like. “I allow you,” “I don't allow you”—that's really not the right way to go. It's not correct. Be patient. Be wise. You could call me if you need help: 917-837-0102. You need a tip; you could set up an appointment or just get a tip on your marriage. You feel like you're being controlled, or you are controlling, or you don't understand this concept, or you feel like, “Hey, this is something very different.” That's fine. I welcome questions and mature conversations. Pray to Hashem. Don't be reckless. Be patient. Be wise. You should have smooth-sailing relationships.