Welcome back to the iTorah Marriage Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen, Marriage Counselor. 917-837-0102 is the number to call. Those of you who have been following me, that's great. That's fantastic. Today's topic is changing your spouse—or not, but changing your spouse.
Before I start, I want to mention, with great gratitude to Hashem, that my new book, Where You End and I Begin, is available for sale on Amazon. You can check it out. Go to Amazon: Where You End and I Begin by Rabbi Ali Cohen. There are a few with that title. The subtitle is Practical Marriage Guide. The other ones have different things. Check it out. It's about boundaries from a Torah perspective—the way boundaries are supposed to be set—and it's very important. It is a delicate topic, so I advise talking to a third party or to me, because I specialize in this, if you feel like you have a boundary issue.
Anyway, today we're talking about changing your spouse in your marriage. Anyone who's going through a rough patch wants to change their spouse. Obviously, they're not wondering how they themselves could change. That's number one. Or, in general, if things are good but you have these ups and downs, and those downs are just not pleasant, you want to change those downs. And, obviously, you feel like your spouse is failing and needs a change. Now, I don't say “obviously.” Many people call me and say, “We're not understanding each other,” which is beautiful, but most of the time it's, “I want to change my spouse.”
For starters, we don't change people. We don't change people. We don't force people to change. We don't demand that they change. It's not correct. Everybody is different. Everyone operates differently. I mentioned this in the past, probably in class one, I think. We don't change people. We can't demand that people change. That's number one.
Number two, we change behaviors. We can nicely request, as I've mentioned, that your spouse engage in certain behaviors or stop certain behaviors. But changing them is just not a thing. They are who they are. This is who you married. This is who they're going to be. Now, again, if they're doing certain things that you're not happy with, you have to know how to approach it. You have to approach it nicely and gently. But you're not changing the person they are. There are intolerable behaviors, and you have to stop those behaviors. That's for a third party who is objective to decide: What is intolerable? Because you yourself can't decide what's intolerable, because everything's intolerable. It means, “I can't take this.” So that's very important.
Now, I want to mention one point about changing our spouse. Actually, I want to mention a few points about changing your spouse. Number one is that there's so much we can do on our part before we get to, “Let's change our spouse.” We could change ourselves. It's much easier to change yourself than someone else, because that's in your hands. We do something that's in our hands. You can't force somebody to change. You can't force anyone to do anything. You can change yourself. And there are definitely areas where you're lacking. If you changed certain things, I guarantee the relationship would improve. So even though you feel like your spouse needs to be changed, besides not being able to change them, you can change yourself. So why don't you work on that? This is just a very simple equation over here. That's number one.
The next point is that you have to make sure what you're trying to change is bad behavior. What I mean by bad behavior is that if someone's doing something or behaving a certain way that's acceptable, okay, and normal, but it just bothers you, you have to understand that it's not fair or correct to demand that they change a behavior that's actually okay. It's not wrong. Many people behave like this, and you want them to change because it doesn't work for you or because it bothers you. You might be more sensitive to this thing.
People tell me, “My husband or wife speaks in a loud tone, and I feel like I'm being yelled at.” And the spouse tells them, “I'm not. This is how I talk.” And they do talk like that. You can't demand that someone change something that's normal and is just who they are. It's the way you're receiving it. So if anything, you're the one who has to change or accept that that's who they are.
Again, we can't demand that our spouse change something that's not bad behavior, that's not wrong behavior. If it's fine and okay and you're not happy about it—the way they talk, the way they laugh, the way they eat, the way they chew, the way they talk to their friend—if that's normal and okay in the world—the way people wear clothes, a lot of people wear things like that. A lot of people go to that place. Of course, these aren't bad things. So, these are not bad behaviors; it's just the way they operate. Many people do these things, and you don't like them. You can't demand that they change. It's not fair. It's not correct. It's on you to figure out, “How do I manage? How do I accept it? How do I deal with it?”
Now, it goes without saying that if there are bad behaviors and they're wrong, then that's where you can request that they start to be more aware of them and stop, or whatever that might be. And that should be discussed with a third party—discussed with me or somebody who's objective. It's very, very hard, if not impossible, to determine what's bad behavior and what's not, what's intolerable and what's tolerable. It's very, very hard to determine these things because you're in it.
So, an important message: a few things. Changing your spouse—not a great idea. It doesn't work. It's not fair. Demanding things of people is not correct. Changing yourself would be more ideal. Working on yourself is more ideal, more practical, more in your hands. The next point is that even when you want a change, you have to make sure that the behavior you want to change is not acceptable. And the third point is, yes, if there are bad behaviors that are bad, and everyone agrees that they're bad and they're not normal, yes, they should be stopped. But it's not for you to decide that. You should discuss it with people who are more objective and know their stuff, so they can determine that and then you can proceed properly.
Many people will say crazy things like, “I'm being abused,” when there's not even a hint of abuse. “My spouse doesn't call me in the middle of the day and check in on me and say hi. My spouse doesn't answer my phone call.” A woman told me this. A man—a man told me this: “My wife doesn't answer my phone call when I call her, when she's at work.” Does anyone follow what I'm saying? “My wife doesn't answer a phone call when she's at work. She's abusing me.” Number one, what? Number one, what? You're a man, and your wife is at work, and she's—hmm? I'm confused right now. So that's just number one. We'll put that aside for now. But no, you're not being abused if she's at work and she's busy. No, you're not being abused. So take it easy.
If you're pulling these abuse cards on your spouse—which people do—“He's a narcissist. She's bipolar. She's this.” And then that label, borderline personality, and, you know, all those tendencies. And then what happens is, “I'm being abused. They're abusing me.” Talk to a third party before you label people, before you start setting these boundaries and getting crazy with all these things when they're not really there. It's not really existing. Be patient. Be wise. Be sure to have a wonderful relationship.