Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Marriage Series with Rev. Ali Cohen, Marriage Counselor, 917-837-0102. I don't know if I mentioned this here before, but my new book is out on Amazon. It's about boundaries. It's called Where You End and I Begin. If you feel like there's a boundary issue in a relationship, it's a great short read that gives you the basics on how to set boundaries, whether it's with yourself, your spouse, or whatever it is.
Today's topic is something I like to call relationship etiquette. Things that sound fancier goes in, and people get it. It sounds great, and they enjoy fancy stuff. If I said something more like “relationship rules,” people would be like, “Oh, what is that? Some rules?” Relationship etiquette. “Oh, it's turned to etiquette. Oh, look at that psychology. This guy knows his psychology.” So, relationship etiquette.
Now, people get stuck in a relationship with wrong and right, and “I'm wrong,” and “I want an apology. I'm demanding an apology.” Then I got the apology, and I want it differently. That's not how a relationship works. For a relationship to work—not to thrive or be awesome, just to work—there are certain points that need to be there. And a relationship cannot work like any other thing in the world. A car cannot work if it doesn't have a motor. They build the car, the Mercedes is beautiful, they polish it, they make it nice. I'm not a car guy, so I don't know much about it. They make a nice car, and there's no motor. You can say all you want, “No, but we worked so hard, and we're trying so hard to make the car work. Push it!” You're going to burn out from pushing the car if there's no motor. So, if you forgot the motor, it's not going to work. Nobody gets upset or blames anyone over the car. So too with a relationship. It's a weird analogy, but whatever.
There's something I call relationship etiquette. If you're missing these two criteria, you're most likely not going to have the basics of a relationship: two people relating to each other on a basic level in a healthy way, where the relationship moves and goes. Then there are more levels. I'm not talking about this being the key. Everyone's with the key. This is the key to “successful” and “happy”—words, adjectives that people don't know, but that sound good because they sound fancy. No, it's not the key. These are the rules and the basic etiquette of any relationship.
Number one is the ability to hear somebody else's opinion in any conversation or argument: the capability or ability to hear somebody else out and acknowledge that someone else has another point of view. Again, the capability or ability to acknowledge that there's someone else here who has a different opinion. My opinion is not always correct. Their opinion can have some weight to it, and we have to take both opinions into account. “You see it like this; I see it like this. What can we do? You want to go there; I want to go here. What can we do?” You have a valid point. Florida's beautiful in the summer, in the winter. I have a valid point. Ski season is only a few months. They're both valid. There's no wrong and right here. It's opinions.
Once you start to debate opinions, it goes like this: “Who goes there for winter vacation? Who does that?” “What do you mean, who goes there? What are you saying? People go there. There are thousands of people. Go try to book a hotel right now in Vermont or Colorado in December. It's booked up the wazoo. Thousands and thousands of dollars, $3,000 a night at an Airbnb.” “Because you don't like it. So, who goes there?” “No, no, no. People go there. You don't go there.” That means you don't acknowledge that there's another possible way of doing things. That's a problem. That's a problem.
So, your first order of etiquette, to have a flow in the relationship where people feel normal and relaxed, at ease, and can communicate and walk in the house without walking on eggshells, is the ability to hear someone else out and say, “Oh, I didn't think of that. Okay. Hmm. Maybe.” That is a skill that some people have, and sadly, some people do not. Not only do they not have it; in their mind, the other person is crazy. So, think about this. Very, very, very crucial.
The second one is no yelling, screaming, or putting people down when you're angry, frustrated, or something's bothering you. You cannot relate to another person and have a relationship where two people feel good about each other and things move—the relationship flows. They wake up, have coffee and breakfast, and the man goes to work. Things don't flow. It rocks the whole boat when somebody is hot-wired and yelling and screaming, either one or both. Yelling and screaming is not relationship etiquette.
A relationship needs soft and gentle men and women. It needs people to talk nicely to each other. It needs people to express themselves in a gentle way. It doesn't mean—whatever, whatever. I don't want to say too much. There's a lot more. The next part is more: how do you take it to the next level? There's appreciating and acknowledging, thank-yous, connecting, and going at whatever it is—all the stuff that everybody knows already. But this is your basis. So if you don't have these two things, or one of them, that's why things are rocky.
Now again, before I finish: justifying yourself doesn't matter. “Yeah, you're right. You're right all the way to the bank. You're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah. I had to yell. I had to put him down. I had to yell at him. He had no other choice. He's crazy. He wants to go here and there and there. Do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Oh, okay. Good, good, good, good, good.” Bottom line: you have no relationship. So that was your choice. You want to yell and scream and not hear somebody else out. Good. You can have that. But you want a relationship. You want to control yourself and not yell and scream, not put someone down, and hear someone else. You can have a relationship. That's your choice. This is free will over here. This is a free country. Take your pick. You cannot have both. You cannot yell and put someone down all the time and not listen to someone else and have a healthy relationship. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. It's relationship etiquette.
This is not only with a husband and wife; it's with any relationship, including with your children. With your children, listen to them, hear them out, validate them. And controlling your children? That's not chinuch (education). Anybody who knows anything about chinuch, control is not chinuch. This is brought down by all the sefarim (books). Chinuch is not control.
But anyway, with your parents, your in-laws, and your siblings, if you don't have these two things, you cannot have a relationship. Usually, it goes across the board. Someone who doesn't have this, for whatever reason—why am I talking about that now?—has a hard time in many relationships. So just think about this. Be patient. Daven. Pray to Hashem. Pray to Hashem. Maybe, maybe, maybe there are things that need to be changed. That's why we listen to classes: not to justify ourselves, not to say, “Yeah, look what he said to y'all.” You listen to this. No, no, no, no, no. You, you, you yourself, you yourself. If you're doing the right thing or not, acknowledge it. If you are, that's great. If you're not, get cracking. Get to work.