Welcome, everyone, to the I Todah Parenting Series with Rabbi Eli Cohen. I'm Rabbi Eli Cohen, a marriage counselor—actually, a relationship expert. I deal with all relationships: parenting, business, whatever involves people relating to each other or trying to relate to each other. But I want to make a parenting series specifically designed for parenting, with as many classes as we can get, and build it up from the bottom, from scratch, all the way to complicated things, starting with the basics. I do counseling if you need help with parenting, with Shalom Bayit (peace in the home), or with any relationship. My number is 917-837-0102.
There are two points I want to mention today as an introduction. They are very, very important. Number one is that parenting and marriage are the kinds of relationships that are much more serious, let's call it, or important—serious, whatever you want to call them. You would have optimum results if you followed one mahalach, that means a rabbi or a guide that follows a certain way of parenting, or a rebbetzin (rabbi's wife), or whatever that might be for Shalom Bayit and parenting, because you wouldn't get confused. Many people get confused because they're just grabbing ideas here and there. I heard that the magazine says this, and the rabbi said to do that, and they said it differently, or they said something. The opposite, in the newspaper, they ask a question, and I have six different answers. What do I do? That one seems good to me, but it doesn't work. It's confusing out there with the workshops and the classes. It's beautiful, it's wonderful. It is, but you have to know how to take the good.
The good is that there are different ways of approaching chinuch (Jewish education) and parenting, and of course Shalom Bayit. There are different ways of approaching it. I've heard many times, in certain situations, two rabbis saying, “This is my way of doing it; this is the way I received it from my rabbis.” Another one says, “This is the way I do it.” I've heard this multiple times in marriage. One says, “This is not the way we do things,” and someone else will say, “This is the way that we do it.” And that's okay; that's the Torah. But if it's going to be haphazard, and I just do things the way I saw them in my house, then I hear a tip there, I get a book, people read the books, and I hear that book is good—it's sloppy. You mean well; everyone means well. I'm just trying to give everyone the advice that I feel is the best, and you'll get optimum results from one guide.
Now, it might sound like a plug, but that's not what I'm doing. I want to help people. You would really get optimum results if you listen to this class and follow it through and through each week, because even though there will be different ideas and concepts, you'll see a certain theme. Many of my clients say, “I know what you would say. I know what you would say,” and I didn't even say that. I never even spoke about that point, but I know exactly where you're going. Besides having one approach, like I said, you won't be so tied down to “I have to ask everything.” You get into your bones, into your blood, into your mind, a way of thinking about how somebody who's professional would think. How would the rabbi think? How would the professional think or act in this situation, when I can't ask right now and I'm not calling every minute? That's very important. I find myself doing that all the time: “What would my rabbi say? Of course, I'd like to call him. What would my rabbi say? Well, I think he would say this. I think he would say that. I'll call him.” Yeah, that's what—okay, good, because I know how he's thinking. So this is crucial for parenting, especially for Shalom Bayit. It's just an important thing for people to know.
Number two is an order, a prerequisite to parenting and marriage, also. I keep mentioning marriage because that's my specialty. But a prerequisite to parenting is that you have to be under control. There's so much advice: get the charts, get the incentives and the positive reinforcements. And then how much patching? Yeah, no, when? Timeouts, don't time out. Remove them from the situation. There are so many ideas out there. But if you're not in control, then it's not going to help. You're going to hear something like this: “You have your chart. Go to bed on time. You get a sticker. You're not getting a sticker.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The whole thing is an incentive program. It's not like, “Whew, take it easy. I'm removing a sticker. Your sister's getting the sticker.” You lose yourself. If you're not in control, of course, we lose ourselves. I totally understand that. But it has to be in the category of “we lost ourselves,” not “I am—myself is lost all the time.” That's not how you can parent properly.
Parenting needs patience. It also needs you to be in tune to your children, especially with multiple children—three, four, five, six kids. You're working all day or you're out all day shopping, and you need to be in tune to what your kids need and what they did yesterday. Who needs the chizuk (encouragement) today? Who needs a little pat on the back? How are those two interacting? Are they fighting with their neighbor? How's that one? Gee, we have to switch; we have to take care of that. Don't be too tough with this one; they're going to push back. Yesterday I was too tough. I have to be softer today. If you're not calm, you're not in tune, then you're playing defense. Anybody know defense? They say defense wins games. But if you have no offense, you're going to lose. If you have no offense, you will lose sorely. So, yeah, strong defense is good, but you have to play offense. And offense means you have to be in control of yourself. This is one of my own findings: you have to be in control.
How do you be in control? Figure it out. Figure it out. Go to a therapist if you're not in control. Go to a class that talks about controlling your middot (character traits). If you're a man or Ben Torah (Torah-observant man), learn Mussar (ethical self-improvement). Mesillat Yesharim. Get yourself under control. Go for a bike ride. Whatever it is, go for a walk. Do some meditation. I don't know. I'm not promoting that stuff. I'm just throwing it out there: you have to do what you have to do. You could call me at 917-837-0102. I deal with these things if you need to get under control. These are your two prerequisites for maximizing your parenting. The third one—not really a third one, but this goes without saying—is to pray to Hashem for siyata dishmaya. The two are: you'll have optimum results if you follow one approach, and you'll have results if you're in control. So be patient, be wise, and be sure to have wonderful, successful children. Thank you.