Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Parenting Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. 917-837-0102 if you'd like to call and discuss these topics as they are. You know, they need advice, and sometimes they will need some guidance to implement these ideas. Or you can email me at alcohen, A-L-C-O-H-E-N, at LevTorah, L-E-V-T-O-R-A-H.org, if you'd like to discuss your parenting and so on.
Today's topic is teenagers. Try to cover a few ideas that I have about dealing with teenagers. The truth is, a lot of these ideas will apply to pre-teenagers. I mean, the advice is about how to deal with kids before they become teenagers, to prevent the issues people deal with when their kids are teenagers. So if you have younger children as well as teenagers, this might be applicable.
But we'll give a few ideas. For starters, the question or point I want to get at is this: Many people will say, “You know, teenagers are so hard. Teenagers are very hard these days, disrespectful. They do their own thing. It's scary. They don't tell me where they're going. I don't know who their friends are. Like I mentioned in the past, if they have friends who are not such good friends, how do I manage with teenagers? How do we protect them from the outside? How do I protect them from the horrible influences that are going on, that we all see with our own eyes? How do I connect with them?” And so on.
So the first thing, again, if you have teenagers already, I'm just giving the basis, and we'll build it up. The foundation for dealing with or raising a teenager these days starts when they're young. It starts when they're young. The first piece of advice I have is that you build a relationship with your children when they're young, so that when they're teenagers, at a scary age, they'll open up to you. They'll open up to you. They'll talk to you about where they're going and what they're doing. That's the first thing. They'll also let you know what's going on, what's happening. They'll open up about what's on their mind and how they're feeling. It's so important that you build this relationship when they start, as young as you can. Start from one year old. I mean, you're not going to sit there and have a conversation, but the way to build a relationship with a child is with a lot of love and warmth. I mean, don't go crazy and go all out and just start hugging and kissing them every second. It's a lot of love and warmth, and it takes a lot of attention. You have to get out of your busy schedule, make it a habit, and make sure that you're giving your kids love and attention.
The next thing is to let them talk. Let your children speak. If you don't let them talk, they're going to learn, “Okay, I can't talk.” Then, when they get older, why in the world would a child open up to you if, when they were seven years old and they told you something, you said, “How'd you do that? Don't dare say that to me”? All that stuff shuts them down. If the child opens up to you and says, “I did this and this and this. I went to my friend's house and we broke a window. I didn't mean it,” you might say, “How are you breaking windows? Who breaks windows?” Okay, now I know. They learned a nice lesson that moment: Never tell Mommy or Daddy when you do something wrong or when something good happens. So now, when they're a teenager and they're confronted with a situation, let's say they smoked a cigarette, why am I going to tell Mommy, even though I'm so nervous about—why am I going to tell Daddy if I'm going to get yelled at? And they're right, because they will get yelled at, because they did before. So it doesn't make sense to even open up to you at this point. Of course they're going to hide it from you.
So the time to start building a relationship with your teenager is way before they become teenagers: warmth, love, and listening to them. That's the second thing. The third thing is talking to them. At five years old, six years old, talk to them. Have conversations with them. Build a relationship with them. “How are you? How's your day? What's going on? How's this friend? How's that test? What'd you get?” Again, it doesn't have to be excessive. It just has to be enough that you acknowledge that they exist in your home. That's it. It's very, very, very important that they feel good with you, you feel good with them, and you understand each other, and so on.
Besides being hashkafically (in terms of religious outlook) correct, what I'm saying is not from myself. This is from my great Rabbis and well-known sefarim (Jewish religious books). I've seen this with my own eyes. Countless times, I've seen parents who are reckless in their parenting, and the kids roll their eyes, like, “What are we going to do with them?” The parents take it as disrespect. And then I've seen kids with such a good relationship with their parents: they'll tell them anything, and their parents raise them properly. They have a good connection with them. I've seen this. We can all say this, maybe even about ourselves: how we feel with our parents, whatever it is, and people we see, our relatives, our siblings. We all see this with our own eyes. So it's very important to understand that this is very true and it's a fact.
Now, one more point, which is really the main thing, is what I mentioned. But the main thing people are asking is, “What do I do with teenagers? I didn't build that relationship. I don't have that relationship with my kids, whatever the reason is.” Being honest with yourself, some people tell me—it's comical, but it's not—“I have a great relationship with my kids,” and I know the kids, and they say their parents are out to lunch. So you're being dishonest with yourself. “We have a wonderful—I'm a great parent.” I know, I know it's hard to admit. It's hard for someone to admit that they're not there for their kid, that they were never emotionally available, or that they just don't have a good relationship with their kids. But if you acknowledge it, at least you'll be able to build that relationship. Thinking things are great when they're not is not healthy at all. So it's important to acknowledge that maybe I don't have a great relationship with my kids.
Now, if they're teenagers, they're 14, 15, they're getting to that stage, and you feel like you don't have a great relationship, it's never too late. This is a fact of life. I've seen people in their 40s, their 50s, and their 60s building relationships with their married kids, with grandchildren, when they didn't have such a great relationship. A child always wants the love of the parent, always. I've seen, unfortunately, lo aleinu (God forbid), abused children who are dying for a relationship with their parents, and they're trying their whole life. So for sure, if someone is not abusive, their children want that relationship. They want it. They're craving it. They might feel so pushed away that it might take some time, but if it's done right, and you feel like you don't have that relationship and your teenager doesn't open up to you, they talk back to you, it's time to stop getting defensive. Please, I will tell you: stop getting defensive. You're the adult in the room and they're not. Don't get defensive if your child says something not nice. You might have to deal with it. You should. But it's really immature for a parent to get defensive when a child says something not nice. I saw something the other day that was ridiculous: someone getting defensive at a nine-year-old who wasn't even their child. Someone else's nine-year-old said something that was not so polite. They got crazy. They got nuts. I mean, relax. That's a kid.
Anyway, how do you build that relationship with a teenager? The same way. You show interest in what they're doing the same way. Will it be the same as if you built a relationship when they were younger? Maybe not. Maybe, yeah. Take interest in what they're doing. Go out with them. “Let's go for a walk. Let's go out to eat. I want to hear about your day. How was your test? How was your school? How was the basketball game? How are things going?” Whatever it is, be creative, figure it out. Some of them want a hug; some of them don't. That's it, it's too late, or maybe they're too old for that. Just take interest in their life. There's a lot to say. You could be doing that, but then you're doing things that are counterproductive by battering them and badgering them about things they're doing wrong. I mean, you have to be wise with this. Definitely, if you're going through a situation, I advise talking to a professional or a Rabbi about this. Pray to Hashem. Pray to Hashem. Be sure to raise wonderful children.