Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Parenting Series with Rabbi Eli Cohen. We're talking about children off the derech (off the path), children at risk. There are different terminologies people use these days so as not to offend anyone: “On their own derech, on their path.” You know, whatever you like to use, we all know what we're talking about here.
So, how do we deal with it? Is it super common? No. In the frum (religiously observant) community, it's a minority. It is. This is important to get out there for everyone to understand: people become very, very hyper-vigilant and nervous that something's going to happen to their child and they're going to go off. That comes from a good place, but you should know that it's less common. It's a very small percentage of kids. But on the other end, we have to understand that it happens, so we shouldn't deny the fact that it could happen. But we shouldn't go crazy and walk on eggshells in front of our kids because we want to make sure nothing bad happens.
So, we can't tell them what to do. Parents get very scared of their kids and give them whatever they need, loading them up with tons of stuff on the inside so they don't need it on the outside. I mean, we have to relax. Everything needs to be in the right balance. That's just a little bit of an introduction.
The first thing is to identify. That's really basic. No, not identify—to separate the two concepts. There's at-risk and off the derech. At-risk means he's at-risk or she's at-risk. At-risk means at a young age: 5, 6, 7, 13, 12. It means that they're someone who's showing signs of someone who can end up off the derech. Or they have certain rebellious natures, a nature that can go off. Identify it now, when they're at-risk, and deal with it when they're at-risk before it ends up, chas veshalom (God forbid), off the derech. That means they threw in the towel. That's just much, much harder, if possible. I don't want to say it like that, but yeah, it's much harder. So, separate the two and identify if the child's at-risk way before they are, chas veshalom, off.
Now, there are a few points about being at-risk. Many parents are in denial. Total denial: “No, it's good, it's good. She's just lazy, she's just tired, she's just whatever.” “No, she needs her space. She needs her space.” Not good. If you're dealing with an at-risk child, you need to be aware of that.
There's another thing people do, which is some type of psychological trick: they'll sort of coerce their children to do certain things, certain behaviors, to make it look like they're not at-risk. Which is crazy. I mean, I don't say you're crazy. It's a wild thing that the mind can do. Obviously, it's not a psycho thing if so many people do this. It's like, “We're going to make sure that they're not at-risk. We're going to make sure he gets the right haircut, or she gets the right haircut, and she looks like a frum person. And he davens (prays) with a minyan (prayer quorum), so he looks like he's not off the derech.” Of course, it's a fine line. They have to daven; they have to have a nice haircut. But don't trick yourself into thinking they're not at-risk because they don't look like an at-risk child. If the signs of being at-risk are there, then you still have to deal with it, no matter what type of levush clothes they're wearing.
I hope people don't mix this up. I don't mean to say, “Don't try and don't make them.” That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying, don't trick yourself into thinking they're not at-risk because they don't look at-risk because of the way that you're making them behave, so to speak. This is a very important point.
The next point is, like I said, don't wait. It's much easier when they are at-risk. But this is something that I think anyone who's suspecting their child's at-risk—or if the child is already off—needs to hear. You need an approach that works, and you need to follow that approach. You need guidance. This will not be done on your own. You need guidance from someone who does this, someone who works with these types of children. Now, that doesn't mean they work with them per se; they work with you to do what you can on your part, on your end. But you need an approach. There are many different approaches. I'm just throwing it out there to give you a little bit of clarity.
Now, I'm not telling you which way I go or not. Maybe in another class. But some people say you have to give them whatever they want, whatever they need. I'm clearly against that, but some people say that. Now, if you're following someone who has a track record and is successful, it's not just “give them whatever they want.” You have to be in touch with whoever it is, this person, and take this seriously and get guidance each step of the way. They told me, “They're bringing— they're now bringing their own phone into the house, unfiltered, and there are other kids in the house.” You need to get the same guidance, because everyone's approach follows a similar protocol.
And then people shop around: “Now I went to this rabbi, I went to that professional, I went to that therapist,” and now you're getting mixed up. This applies to life in general and shalom bayit (peace in the home). I see people doing what I like to call advice hopping. It's a disaster. Advice hopping. People look at advice like, “I need to know what to do now. I need to deal with this current situation now.” That's not true. Your whole picture is one big picture, and each person is giving advice based on their approach. You might be doing three or four conflicting things, implementing conflicting ideas in one thing. Like, “Oh, I gave him whatever he wants. But then someone else told me, ‘Don't let it in the house.’ And now, so, I give him whatever he wants, but I tell him, ‘Keep it outside.’” No, no, no, no, no.
And there are people who are very strong. They're very strong: “No. You have to be very firm with the child. And don't let them—don't give them whatever they want, and treat them like the other children.” I don't promote that either, but I'm just saying that's an approach. And there are professionals who do this. If they have a track record and they're backed by gedolim (great Torah sages), you have to find what works for you, what works for them. Ideally, talk to your rabbi and say, “Who do you—do you know who would work best for my family, who would be a good fit for us?” It's so important to get an approach and go all the way with it.
Now, if you see that approach, after this person told you, “It takes four to six, six to eight weeks, four to five months,” and you went through the program and see it's not working, okay, then it's time to go to another approach, not to get advice and continue going back to this person. It means it's not working for you or your child. It's complicated, but you need an approach.
Now, like I said, I'm going to mention in another class what my approach is, the one I received from my rabbi. It's a working solution. It's proven to work. I've seen it with my own eyes countless times, and I'm not going to mention that now. Tune into the next class if you find this is you, or you just want clarity on the situation.
But it's important to know that many parents fall into the trap of going to battle with their child, setting themselves up as their child's adversary. It's a painful, painful situation. There's no denying that. However, like I said, with an approach, with a mahalach, something from da'at Torah (Torah guidance), something that's proven to work, it's just not kedai (worthwhile) to go to battle with your child. It's going to make things worse. Not having patience, proving them wrong, trying to give your children a lesson, lecturing and explaining things to them—it's not going to work. It's not going to work if your child is already off. The approaches people take are usually very gentle.
Many parents take things personally: “They're out to get me. This child just wants to rebel against me.” I mean, that's taking it personally. We're here to help them, not to set ourselves up as their adversary. That's just another point that's important to note. You're here to help them. You're here to help them succeed. And it's very important to understand: try to work with them, not go against them, not fight them. You're going to hurt yourself. You're potentially going to hurt your shalom bayit, which I've seen often, and potentially cause damage to the other kids.
This is a very delicate topic, and I'm very hesitant to talk about it. But I didn't really give much in terms of what to do here—meaning, what the approach is. But the messages are clear: separate the two. There's at-risk; there's off the derech. Those are two things. There's how to deal with that risk. There's how to deal with off the derech. There are approaches for each thing. Like I mentioned, it would be ideal to catch it early.
Don't blame yourself. Most of the time, it's not the parents' fault that the child is like that. Now, the parents can make it worse. Most of the time, it's not the parents' fault. Don't get defensive. Pray to Hashem. I could tell one or many success stories, but one I know in particular: somebody had a child off the derech, and they handled it very well. This person handled it very well. They followed exactly what they were told to do, how to deal with the child. Actually, I'm thinking of two now. They did exactly what the da'at Torah said. They didn't fight the child.
Both of these children—I know them—I don't want to say the word “turned around.” It sounds a little bit, whatever. But they both shaped up, and they found themselves. One—one—one went to yeshiva and became a real Ben Torah (Torah scholar). The other one went to work and became a real Ben Torah. To have a good relationship with the kids. And I see the common denominator, the common factor, with both. I'm thinking of a third one now. In all three of these success stories, the parents weren't getting personal and weren't fighting the child. They were working with them every day, getting advice on what to do, and they have a wonderful relationship. They didn't lose that. So it's important to know. It's important to know.