Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Marriage Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. I am a marriage counselor in New Jersey, 917-837-0102. That means I deal with marriages. People call me whether they’re dating or married. Sometimes one person calls me; sometimes both call me. I speak to them and, with Hashem’s help, give everyone a fresh perspective on what’s going on.
Today I want to talk about getting your marriage to the place you’d like it to be. I’m careful with my words because there are struggling couples. There are also people who aren’t struggling but are in what I like to call the “it is what it is” zone. It’s not great, and it’s not bad. Things move along. It’s definitely not ideal, and it’s not the way they’d like it to be. Then there are people who feel good about their marriage and would love some tips to make it even better.
Almost every single person I talk to—I meet people in the streets, neighbors and family members, whatever it might be—says, “Oh, you’re doing the counseling.” Almost every single person will say, “Oh, yeah, I could use some tips.” I would say every person, but you can never say every. I already know the tone of people who say, “Oh, I could use a few tips.” It doesn’t mean they’re struggling. It means they could use a few tips. They feel like there’s something they’d love to get right and make awesome.
So what can make your marriage awesome? What can get your marriage out of the struggle? Every couple—before I get started—needs a different prescription. I’m not going to tell you specifically what to do to make your marriage better. I’m going to give a general idea of what every couple, almost every couple, needs to get their marriage to where they’d like it to be.
Point number one: anyone who’s married, or most people, will say, “Oh, marriage is work. Marriage is work.” Before you’re married, they say, “Oh, can I have some tips? Marriage is work.” You know, it’s a lot of work, or it needs work. Now, what does this work mean? What does it mean that it needs work? People are struggling, or they’re saying the marriage is okay. What is this work? What does it mean? It might be uncomfortable; it might be hard. What does “work” mean? What’s this work that I need to do?
So step number one—the easy, first ABCs of getting your marriage to where you’d like it to be—is trying together with your spouse. I know there’s a lot to say, but your first step, if you feel your marriage is in the “it is what it is” zone, is to work together. It’s okay; it’s not bad. You’re not in a particularly difficult place. You’re not yelling at each other, and you’re not a struggling couple. But if you feel that some things are missing, sit down together, discuss the things you feel need improvement, and actually work on them. That means getting a workbook, watching a class together, or going to a workshop together. This is the simplest but ideal situation for a couple that wants to get things to the place they’d like them to be.
If you want to email me, call me, or text me, I can give you plenty, plenty of books—easy reads—or classes that will give you the basic stuff I’d say almost every couple can use. As an example, there’s Five Love Languages, which I believe is a great read for what I would call good couples: they’re not fighting like crazy, and they fall into the “it’s okay” or “it is what it is” category. You can read it with your spouse to understand each other on a very, very, very superficial level. Work together and work at it. Tell your spouse, “This is what I need. This is what I need.” “Okay, let’s go over it.” It might sound annoying, but again, that’s the work. People say marriage is work. So what’s the work? For the most part, it’s sitting down with your spouse and saying, “Okay, we figure out a lot of things that bother each other and avoid certain things. I tried; it didn’t work. And, you know, I know you have your Thursday night thing with your friends, or I know that when I say this, you get upset, so I won’t say it.” But many times there are certain things—uncomfortable conversations—that we avoid, like going on vacation, which happens two, three times a year. That’s the source of tension. So we’re going to sit down, figure out what’s going on, and work through it. Very, very, very basic.
So your first step is to try to work with your spouse and identify what’s bothering you. Be clear about what it is—not who’s wrong and who’s right, but where you’re struggling. Like I said, “This is where we’re struggling.” Maybe come up with a solution on your own. Sit down and talk to your spouse about it. Read a book. Look it up online. Yeah, it’s annoying, like I said, but this is the work. Or go to a class together that talks about these things. I give classes, and it’s possible to put together a class with me. I give workshops. It’s not complicated.
For those marriages, I feel like it’s sad because a couple that gets along and isn’t fighting bitterly can go from okay to good to great in a matter of days. I mean, in a matter of days, because they’re not dealing with serious issues. It’s like a business that has everything set up and would be thriving if everyone showed up on time and just did their job. There’s so much money to be made, and they’re making half a million. I don’t know—these days, making a million a year. The business is making 10 million. Let’s go going really low here, but the business is making 10 million a year, and the potential is double. If everybody would just do their job—which is show up on time, do all the paperwork, and do the things they know they need to do—or ask an outsider for a few tips and then just do it.
That’s really the same thing with the marriage. It’s all right there with basic marriages. It could change a business in one day. We spoke to somebody who said, “Look, if everyone clocks in at nine, leaves at five, and does exactly what they’re supposed to do instead of eating ice cream, then we would see results right away.” I’ve seen that too, by the way.
So that’s just a basic situation. For a struggling couple, it’s going to take much more work. What’s that work? I believe—and this is my opinion—that for the most part, the same formula I mentioned, coming together as a couple and trying to watch a class together or go to a workshop, won’t work. If they’re fighting bitterly or fighting and exhausted, that won’t work. You need to speak to somebody, a third party, to show you where you’re going wrong, even though you might think you know where you’re going wrong, and to help you understand your spouse and yourself. There are a lot of deep-rooted problems. I don’t mean trauma; I mean deep-rooted differences and problems people aren’t aware of until they call me and I say, “Look, do you understand what is happening?” And then you work with someone if you’re a troubled or struggling couple for a long time.
Now, a long time doesn’t mean you’re going to speak to somebody every week for the rest of your life. It could mean speaking to someone for three—whatever, four to eight weeks. That’s not really a long time compared to how long you’re living with your spouse. Hopefully you want to keep this marriage going, and then periodically check in once a month, because this couple—this type of relationship—needs more. If it needs more, the more the struggle, the more it needs. It’s sad to see people call me and, you know, “Okay, you have an idea.” That said, I believe almost every couple can get things in order. They can thrive—almost every couple—and all it takes is not hard work, but the right work. If you do the right work, it works, again, like a business, like anything else, like parenting. If you do the wrong work—which, of course, is unintentional—not only will it not work, but you’ll burn out. Then you say, “I tried everything,” but you really never even started. Think about this. Pray to Hashem that He gives you the right guidance, the right ideas. B’ezrat Hashem (with Hashem’s help), you should have a wonderful relationship.