Welcome back, everyone, to the I Torah Parenting Series with Rebbe (rabbi) Ali Cohen. I am Rebbe Ali Cohen, a marriage counselor, and I do deal with parenting and, really, any interpersonal relationships. You can reach me at 917-837-0102, or email me at alcohen, A-L-C-O-H-E-N, at Lev Torah, L-E-V-T-O-R-A-H, dot org.
This is class number four in the Parenting Series. I really do believe you will gain maximum results from listening to each class, as it’s a build-up. Today we’re talking about healthy discipline and consequences: the way to implement consequences and discipline in your home. These things do get confusing, so this is the way that I see it. Jumping around, as I mentioned in one of the classes, and finding different ideas is way too confusing. So, follow one approach. I’m not saying my approach is the one and this is it. I’m just saying to follow one approach. This is ideal, because there are different modes of operation in a home. Let’s get started.
Point number one is that everybody has what we can call boundaries, or red lines, about what they feel should be done in the home. Some parents feel that saying, let’s say, “Shut up” is unacceptable, so they won’t tolerate it. Everybody has things they won’t tolerate: hitting, siblings hitting, yelling at each other, fighting. Now, I’m not coming to say which ones are wrong and right and too much. I’m just pointing out that everyone has certain things. Homework must be done. Some parents don’t care as much. Test marks must be up to par. Some parents don’t care. Basic respect: if Mommy or Daddy says to get something, they get it right away. And if they don’t, their parents feel like there’s a consequence. Going to bed on time, no matter what age. Everybody has their guidelines.
I do want to mention—I might mention this in a class by itself—that we should try to punish or give a consequence only for bad behavior. If it’s not bad behavior, and it’s something a child is doing that’s normal and healthy—running around, making noise—I mean, that’s normal for kids, so you’ve got to be careful. But I don’t want to go there yet. Right now, I’m saying that whatever everybody feels is wrong, parents have their things that they feel are wrong, and they made the decisions, and that’s it.
The problem is not what they decided, and the problem is not how strict they are about what they’re going to tolerate. That’s not the problem. What the kids eat—some parents won’t let their kids have candy. Who cares? The problem arises when parents don’t know how to implement their consequences, when parents don’t know how to discipline properly. That’s where things get complicated.
What happens is, many times, there’s inconsistency. There’s inconsistency. There’s inconsistency in the parents. They’ll punish one time and then another time. Sometimes they’ll be in the mood, and sometimes they don’t have any energy. Sometimes they’ll just yell and scream, and sometimes they’ll just take a kid’s toy away for a month. The inconsistency and the just yelling and screaming are not a way to implement consequences; it’s not of anything. It’s not a consequence, let’s put it like that. Yelling and screaming and being sloppy with consequences and punishments is not going to get the desired result.
So, let’s just get this a little bit more organized. Every home needs law and order. That’s it. Every parent decides what that law and order is. The problem that I see is keeping the law and order, doing it properly, and being consistent. That’s the problem that I see. The second problem that I see is way too much yelling and screaming when a consequence needs to be put in place. There’s no reason. This is a popular concept. There’s no reason to yell and scream or to belittle. It’s never a good thing to belittle a child. There’s no reason for it, besides harming them and hurting them and not being good for the kid. It’s not going to do anything. There’s no reason for putting a kid down and saying, “I told you.” If you do it, go back to my first class on getting yourself under control. Those things are not going to help.
The number one thing for consequences and punishment to work is: let the consequence or punishment do the talking. That is my number one rule for implementing consequences and/or punishments. Let the consequence do the talking. And it looks like this: You have to go to bed by 7.30. I’m not getting involved with giving them a leeway. I’m not going there. Let’s say a parent decides on 7.30, and that’s it. They can’t tolerate anything else. Then they start yelling and screaming after. There’s no reason to yell and scream. “7.30 is the bedtime. I noticed that last night you were resistant. If you’re not in bed by 7.30, then there’s going to be a consequence.” And whatever that consequence is—people ask me all the time, “What’s a consequence?”—you’ve got to figure that out. Figure it out. Take away something, whatever it might be. Start out small. I don’t want to go into that either. But tell them there’s going to be a consequence.
And once it’s 7.30, give them a warning. It’s 7.35. They’re not in bed. That’s it. The consequence is in place. Whenever that will be, by tomorrow morning or later tonight, the consequence will be in place. “You will lose this privilege. I’m sorry. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I love you so much. It’s so hard for me to see you like this.” That works. They see that it’s coming out of love. They see that they can’t cross a line. Those are really the two main points they need to see from any consequence. They need to see that you mean business. There’s a line that I cannot cross. And if I do, there will be consequences. And I will not cross that line again. And that’s the goal.
The goal is that they shouldn’t do it again. The goal is not to punish. The goal is not to show them you’re the boss. I know I’m saying a lot of things, but whatever. The goal is that the behavior that you feel is wrong, bad, or not healthy—whatever it is—the behavior should stop. And that’s it. So, if that’s the goal, which it is, the behavior should stop, or they should start a good behavior, whatever it is. A consequence with love and care works. And that’s all you need.
And if they cross the line again, which most of the time they don’t, then again, this is going to have to be another consequence. It doesn’t mean, “Okay, you’re locked up in the house for the next year.” That’s ridiculous. We’ll raise the ante here: “You lost your video game for an hour. Next time it’s going to be for two hours.” And most of the time, you don’t have to go further and further. Once they see you mean business, even the consequence is so small.
I’m a teacher. If I tell someone, “If you talk in class, there’s going to be a consequence,” I could tell them the most ridiculous thing: “Write five times, ‘I will not talk again.’” And they get frustrated. “Oh, okay,” they’ll sit there writing it. It’s not about the actual punishment, how painful it is. Parents think in terms of pain. No, it’s the fact that they saw that you’re not going to tolerate it, and you’re going to do something about it. Yeah, so many kids will say, “Oh, big deal.” But no, that is a big deal. You start out slow and build it up.
So, today’s lesson is that consequences and punishments are very necessary for a home. Yelling and screaming has nothing to do with that. Threatening and repeating have nothing to do with that. It’s “let the consequence do the talking.” Whatever you decided is the red line and the boundary, you have to have a consequence. You don’t have to come up with it on the spot. You can figure it out later and tell them, “I’m going to talk to Mommy, talk to Daddy about it. And we’re going to do this.” Very important lesson.
So, think about this. Be patient. Be wise. Pray to Hashem. Hashem is the one that’s going to give you the wisdom and the ability and the koach (strength) to do this. And may you be zoche (merit) to raise wonderful children.