Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness.
This past Shabbat, we read a Haftara that we read only once every two decades or so, because quite often the Parasha of Miketz comes out on Hanukah, but this year, it did not. We were off by a day. We read the haftara of Miketz, which talks about Shlomo Hamelech’s wisdom.
Let’s go back to the beginning of the story.
Shlomo Hamelech becomes king, and God asks him, What do you want?
Do you want wealth? Do you want wisdom? Do you want honor? Do you want fame? Do you want success in war?
It's not clear that He actually asked him those options, but those are the basic options a king would ask for.
Shlomo Hamelech asks for wisdom, but look at the words that Shlomo Hamelech used when he asks for wisdom:
He says, “Give me a Lev Shome’ah/give me a listening heart so I can judge the people.” Now, that's very interesting, because it says about Shlomo Hamelech’s wisdom that he got up from a dream and he realized it was a real dream, Rashi says, because he heard the birds chirping and he understood the birds.
He heard the dogs barking and he understood the dogs. That's pretty impressive. We don't have any people today that have that wisdom. And yet, when Shlomo Hamelech asked for wisdom, he didn't say, “Can I solve the most difficult math problem. Can I figure out the theory of relativity?” What did he ask for? “I want to have a Lev Shome’ah. I want a heart that can listen, to be able to judge and help the people.”
And we see from here an important concept- that the ability to listen is truly the greatest wisdom.
Rav Wolbe discusses this- it says,
“Who is the wisest of men? Someone that can learn from everybody.”
What does that mean?
It means you’re constantly listening. What can I learn from that person? Let me shut myself off and truly, listen.
That is the greatest wisdom. When people talk to us, we are not always listening. We are involved in ourselves. We have our own agendas.
Usually, we're preoccupied.
But let's say we take pre-occupation away. Think about it- “Am I listening, or am I super-imposing my ideas, my thoughts, my preconceived notion onto that person?”
To have a true Lev Shome’ah is the greatest of wisdom.
In modern day terminology, there's something called active listening. A lot of training goes into listening.
Another important lesson we see from here is that that is the true wisdom. The Mesilat Yesharim discusses this at length in the introduction- that understanding the human being, the human psyche, the Middot, that's true wisdom. It says fear of God, which is what's necessary to fix one's Middot- that’s the true wisdom, not science, not philosophy.
That's the true wisdom and that's the wisdom that Shlomo Hamelech asked for.
Within listening, there's something called reflection.
Reflective listening means the speaker is able to reflect back to the person speaking, the ideas and feelings that he heard, as accurately as possible. It’s not just reflecting back the content, but the feelings.
Interestingly, the Radak says that when Shlomo Hamelech was judging that first case of the two ladies and the baby, he repeats everything. Why? The Radak says it’s so that the people who were having the argument would hear that the judge understood their claims.
That was Shlomo Hamelech, in his first trial, demonstrating reflective listening skills. And again, Lev Shome’ah. It just doesn't say Moach Shome’ah/ Your head listens. This is not artificial intelligence, to spit back what you told me. This is not Siri. This is something that artificial intelligence will never have, because it's Lev Shome’ah. It’s the heart that hears; it's emotion. I'm hearing the person's emotions and their feelings, and I'm able to reflect that back as well. So you're feeling under-appreciated, you're feeling despair, beside what you said, what are you feeling?
These are important skills. And this is what Shlomo Hamelech demonstrated as his true wisdom, on his first day on the job.
This really should inspire us in what we should try to do in dealing with people-
1- to listen, which, as we said is a huge art.
But also,
2-to listen with your heart, and
3-to reflect back to the person that you truly captured and understood what they were saying.
In that way, they feel that someone heard them.
This is extremely important. People need to be heard. It’s one of the reasons people want to go for therapy- simply to have somebody listen to them. People will pay money to have someone listen, because it's an art. Not everyone has that ability.
Have a wonderful day.