Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily Project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness.
We've been talking about how to properly educate, rebuke and understand the emotions and psyche of the one that you're trying to rebuke. Rashi tells us in Devarim 1,3 that Moshe Rabbenu only gave his final, fiery sermon towards the end of his life.
Rashi says Moshe learned this from Yaakov Avinu, who didn't rebuke his children until the end of his life, when he gave Reuven Mussar. He told Reuven, “Benni/My son, I'll tell you why I didn't rebuke you until then. I was afraid you might leave me and join Esav.”
Those are very powerful words. Would Reuven, one of the 12 tribes and a big Sadik, really join Esav? Yaakov was concerned. He was afraid. How can that be?
Rav Eliyahu Dessler writes in Michtav M’Eliyahu (vol 4, page 263) that shame comes from an inherent contradiction. On one hand, it has the power to cause a person to repent and return. He thinks, ‘I'm a good guy. You told me that I did something I shouldn't do, that is not befitting for me, so I'm going stop doing that.’
That's one possibility. The other possibility is that a person senses an internal contradiction. He thinks ‘How could I be doing this?’ He can't live with his guilty conscience, and this contradiction is so strong that it causes him to rebel entirely, in order to quiet that uncomfortable feeling that his actions aren’t befitting who he is.
So rather than say, “Whoa, I missed my Tefilin today, that's terrible, let me start putting on tefilin again,” he might say, “I missed putting on Tefilin one day-eh, I'm not so terrible. The whole thing is silly anyway.”
There's a danger in giving someone Mussar and putting him against the wall because creating that bushah/shame is dangerous.
We've mentioned before that there's a difference between shame and guilt, in concept if not in literal definition. If I feel guilty, it means I did something wrong. But feeling shame or toxic shame, means there's something wrong with me, which is very hard to tolerate.
Therefore, whenever giving someone Mussar, be sure to leave them an out. There's nothing wrong with you. We have to build the person up before we give them Mussar, so they don't feel there's anything wrong with them. Otherwise, they're going to come to despair and the Tochachah/rebuke is going to backfire.
There are many sources for this from the Torah. When Yaakov Avinu rebukes the shepherds, he first says Achai /my brothers. He has to make a connection, to make them feel special before he rebukes them.
The commentaries point out that in the beginning of Achrei Mot, Hashem tells Moshe Rabbenu, “Tell Aharon, your brother, ‘Don't come into the holy area at all times.’” Why does He say, “Speak to Aharon, your brother?” Because you are about tell him what to do, so make sure there's a connection. Make sure he feels important in your eyes.
I saw an explanation of the pasuk that says, Rebuke your friend and don't carry a sin upon him, which the commentaries explain as don't embarrass him. Simply, this means two separate things.
Give a guy Mussar, but make sure that there's no negative collateral damage, or that you embarrass him. Be careful to give the rebuke without damage. But if you do rebuke him with damage, the rebuke is a rebuke, but there is collateral damage. According to this, it’s deeper: Rebuke him and don't embarrass him means if you embarrass him, the rebuke is going to backfire. It's not even rebuke. Or, a rebuke with embarrassment will cause a guilty conscience and cause him to feel that he's a reject. He's just going to give up hope on everything.
This is extremely important. People make the mistake of thinking, “Let me just tell him.” Yaakov Avinu didn't do that. Yaakov Avinu was careful. Moshe Rabbenu was careful. They didn’t want to take a chance and cause them to feel distanced.
And why on the last day of your life? Does that make a difference? The rabbis explain, and it goes back to what we said yesterday, that when a person is on their deathbed, they don't have any agendas anymore. They're dying. Whatever they're doing is totally for the sake of the person they're talking to. And the person feels that concern and connection, so the words of Mussar penetrate, and the person does not have that negative response.
Have a wonderful day.