Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness. One of the misunderstood character traits is Vitur, which means giving in. Giving in is a great thing. Rav Shach writes in his letters (vol 1, page 122)
I was a lad and I’m already into my 80s and never saw in my life that you lose out from giving in. We only gain from this.
Beautiful. Giving in is a wonderful Middah.
There is also a story told about Rav Aryeh Levine. Rav Elyashiv, the great Gadol son in law was once asked why his esteemed father-in-law Rav Aryeh Levine was blessed with such outstanding children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, amongst them Rav Chaim Kanievsky. He explained that when Rav Aryeh got married, he was so poor that he could not afford a gift to give his new bride as is customary. Instead of a gift, he told his wife that throughout their marriage he would commit to always give in and never insist on his viewpoint. She replied that she had made the same commitment. Rav Elyashiv explained that this was the secret to the peaceful home that they built together, a home which produced outstanding offspring. It all came as a result of their commitment to Vitur, to giving in instead of insisting on having their way.
So, it sounds like we should train our new young couples, and ourselves, to keep on giving in. -But there is an important caveat here. Rav Shach’s grandson, Rav Usher Bergman, in his sefer Orchot HaYeshiva, page 374, says the following:
Rav Shach gave a lot of credibility to Vitur, as we said, and he believed that it was the key to all good character traits. But he said a person should not look at Vitur as if he's giving in. Rav Shach believed that Vitur/giving in is the greatest pleasure, the greatest delight, and that there's a tremendous sweetness to giving in. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach once said, I'm not going to be rewarded for giving in- I get more pleasure in giving in than when I win.
This is important, because if a person gives in only because he was told to give in, but he really doesn't feel the sweetness of giving in, in the end, it's going to cause resentment. It's going to backfire.
We see this in a story illustrated in the Gemara in Masechet Menuchot 109B. On his death bed, the great Kohen Gadol Shimon HaSaddik said that his younger son Honyoh should take over. But Honyoh didn’t take over, because his older brother Shimi was also a candidate and Honyoh didn't want hurt his feelings. Instead, he gave the honor to his brother. Deep down, however, Honyoh was jealous and wanted the job for himself, so he told his brother Shimi that on the opening day of the Bet Hamikdash, he should wear his wife's scarf (or belt), and he made up a reason- that it’s a way to show how you love God so much, like you love your wife.
But there is a law that the Kohen Gadol is not allowed to add to his eight garments. This belt was a ninth, and punishable by death. What did Honyoh do? He told the rabbis, “Look at my brother. He promised his wife that he's going to show how much he loves her, so he's wearing her belt (or scarf) on opening day.” They wanted to stone Shimi.
In the end, Shimi explained himself and Honyoh ran away in disgrace, and opened a new temple in Egypt.
This story illustrates what happens with misplaced Vitur. Misplaced giving in causes resentment because you really don't want to do it. And like we've mentioned in the past with the spring theory, if you push a spring down, it only bounces back.
So, make sure that when you give in, you really want to give in, that you're happy giving in, and that you appreciate the sweetness, delight and benefit of giving in.
If you're doing it only because you have to, then you are a doormat, and the doormat will bounce back.
Have a wonderful day.