Welcome to the SIMHA Emotional Wellness Minute.
There is an important principle in mental health, that discusses something called cognitive distortion, which is that mistakes in how we think have an impact on us.
One type of cognitive distortion, also called a thinking trap, is called a worst-case scenario, when you exaggerate how badly something will turn out and how you will be unable to cope. For example, when someone keeps comparing his child to other children and says, “I think he's developing slower than they are. He'll never be successful in life. I don't know how I'll help him. How will I deal with him?”
But who knows? Maybe nothing's wrong at all. People jump to conclusions with little or no evidence. Another example is someone saying, “I'm not going to that shul, because no one's going to like me there, and I won't fit in.” These are what we call thinking traps or cognitive distortions.
Another type is called black and white thinking. It happens when we think in extremes, all or nothing, it's either a perfect failure or a complete disaster.
For example, a lady might say, “My son's birth was a horrible experience. I feel like a failure. I had to take an epidural even though I planned on not having one.”
But hold on. There's much more to the birthing experience than that one thing that didn't go right!
That is called, “All or Nothing thinking, Black and White thinking or Polarized Thinking. When people think like that, they look at everything as either good or bad. There's no in-between.
This can also happen in religion, when we label things in an extreme way, either one way or the other.
There’s a nuanced example we can find, in one of our Avot, Yaakov Avinu, that the great rabbis of Musar bring down.
There is a famous Rashi that when Yaakov Avinu was going to see Esav, there was no mention of Yaakov’s daughter Dina. Where was she? Chazal tell us that Yaakov Avinu hid her in a box because he didn't want Esav to lay eyes on her. Yaakov Avinu was punished for this (Dina was kidnapped by Shechem and defiled) because Dina might have had a positive influence on Esav.
It's hard for us to understand this. Esav was a horror. Leah cried her whole life, not to fall into the hands of Esav. Rachel and Leah did all those tricks, so that Leah would not fall into Esav’s hands. And now Yaakov is criticized because Dina should have gone to Esav? The most well-known explanation is from the Alter of Kelm, who says that Yaakov knocked in the nails too hard. What does that mean? That means that yes, Yaakov was right. Dina was not for Esav. But when he banged the nails into the box, it shouldn't have been so hard.
A part of him should have been thinking, “I feel terrible. I wish, somehow, that my daughter could have saved him. I wish something could have happened.”
There should have been a little, maybe 1% empathy for Esav. Of course, this is beyond us to understand. We're talking about Yaakov Avinu. But this is the point. Sometimes, we have to have a little mixture of both.
Yes, he's a rasha and no, I can't, but I would like to. Rav Nosson Wachtfogel adds that sometimes we have these situations, when we're fighting for a cause and for some reason it's going to cause us to alienate some of our Jewish brethren. He gives an example, also from Kelm. One of the Roshei Yeshiva was asked to sign a letter of approbation for a group of secularists, and he refused. But at the same time, he was sad, because he felt bad that the circumstances had deteriorated into such a situation that he couldn't perform a favor for another Jew.
This comes up in many instances. If someone comes to you for money, and you can't give them, the All or Nothing thinking says, “Sorry bud. I can't give you money. Goodbye.”
But there's a gray area. The gray area says, “I wish I could give you, I feel bad. I'm sorry. I can't. I wish I could.”
It’s the ability to hold two emotions at the same time; to hold two situations at the same time. It's not one or the other.
There is room for a middle.
And we'll see soon, why this is important for our emotional wellness.