Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily. We continue to talk about how parents can help their children emotionally. Yesterday we quoted a pasuk in Devarim 8,5 which says וְיָדַעְתָּ֖ עִם־לְבָבֶ֑ךָ כִּ֗י כַּאֲשֶׁ֨ר יְיַסֵּ֥ר אִישׁ֙ אֶת־בְּנ֔וֹ יְהֹוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ מְיַסְּרֶֽךָּ׃
You should know in your heart that like a man chastises his son, God chastises (or gives you mussar) The commentaries ask a question: Why does it say, “like a man gives mussar to his son, it should say, “Like a father chastises his son.” Why a man not a father? The Ben Ish Chai explains that a man is a little bit of a stranger.
So why use the term stranger? He says ( as do many other commentaries) that when a parent gives mussar to a child, it’s possible that the parent’s rebuke is not solely out of concern of the child, but partially for the concern of the parent. If my child eats with their fingers, it doesn't reflect well on me. If my child goes out without a sweater, it doesn't reflect well on me. That could be part of the story. We all have a certain amount of ego. Therefore the Torah is telling us, if you want your Mussar to work, it has to come without any agenda, which is really the way God works.
God has no agenda. God iso only out for our good. This is an important concept- the child needs to feel that their parents Mussar is coming solely out of concern for the child.
Rav Matityahu Salomon, in his book, With Hearts Full of Love, published by Artscroll, page 45-47, says that when a parent demands a certain behavior from his child, not because it serves the interest of the child, but because it serves the parent's own interest, that is not Chinuch, that's not education, and it will not succeed.
When a child senses that his parent is demanding something from him because it suits the parent, he may very well feel used and exploited and become upset and angry. People ask their children to show off in front of friends how many Mishnayot they learned. But the child recognizes right away that the parent is doing it for his own glory. The parent, of course, may tell himself he's doing it for the child's benefit. But more often than not, he's only showing off his child because it brings him reflected glory. He may not know it, but his child does and is not happy about being used.
He ends with this powerful point: The primary purpose of having children is not to have nachat and pleasure from them, but rather to help them lead the kind of life that will culminate in their holy souls entering Olam Haba. The investment in the child is not there to bear fruit for the parent. This is very important.
Very often, a parent wants their child to go to a certain school only because it looks good for the parent, ‘Look at the school my child's in!’
There are many such examples of children being pushed to do things that aren't really good for them, but good for the image of the family at large. And this extremely, extremely important. You need to look into your gut and see what's driving you.
There’s a nice story about the Ben Ish Chai, from the Baghdad of old. A Torah scholar was walking down an alleyway and head a ruckus. It’s a bunch of religious Jewish men gambling. (It's been going on forever.) He knocks on the door, and asks, “What are you guys doing- wasting your time, wasting your money?”
He gave them a fiery sermon and they all regretted their ways. They took the pot and said, “Here, rabbi, this is for you. You're learning. You must need the money.” Beautiful story.
Then a few months later, the rabbi needed money and came up with a great idea. “As good as my speech was, they're probably back to their ways. Let me go back and see those gamblers.”
He went back and sure enough, he heard the ruckus in the alleyway again. He walked inside, a gave a fiery sermon, but this time, in stead of giving him their money, they said, “Who do you think you are, telling us what to do?” And they threw him out on his head.
He was perturbed by this reaction. He went to the Ben Ish Chai to ask what happened.
The Ben Ish Chai explained, “The first time you gave your speech, you were only concerned about them, and they felt it. Therefore, they listened and acted the way they did. The second time around, you weren't really concerned about them, you were concerned about yourself. They felt that as well. Therefore they threw you out on your head.” That's an extremely important piece of information. We always have to look into ourselves and figure out why we're doing what we're doing, and that will help us determine whether it's effective or not.
Have a wonderful day.