Elevating Our Souls Through Soft, Gentle Speech
The Gemara in Masechet Pesachim (3b) tells that there were once three kohanim serving in the Bet Ha’mikdash who received very small portions of the לחם הפנים, the special “showbread” which was placed on the table in the Mikdash and then distributed among the kohanim. The amount of bread was not enough for the kohanim to receive large portions, and on this particular occasion, three kohanim made a point of noting the diminutive size of their portions. One kohen remarked that he received a portion the size of a bean, another said he received one the size of an olive, and the third compared his piece to a lizard’s tail. The Gemara comments that it was later discovered that the third kohen descended from questionable lineage. His inappropriate manner of speech – comparing the hallowed bread in the Mikdash to a lizard’s tail – reflected something negative about his nature, which was confirmed when his problematic background was revealed.
Indeed, the Shelah Ha’kadosh comments (Sha’ar Ha’otiyot, Shin), דיבור האדם מעיד עליו ועל שרשו – “A person’s speech testifies about him and his roots.”
The Midrash (Bamidbar Rabba 18) draws an analogy to a house that one uses to store straw, bringing more and more straw into the house without ever removing any of it, until eventually straw begins coming out of the windows. That which is inside, the Midrash observes, eventually makes its way out. The Midrash uses this analogy to describe Doeg and Ahitofel, two enemies of David Ha’melech. They harbored thoughts of heresy, and these evil thoughts eventually came out in the form of hostility towards David. The Mesilat Yesharim (11) cites this Midrash and explains that one who continuously fills a building with straw will not be able to hide its contents, because eventually straw will start coming out and will thus manifest itself. Likewise, people’s negative qualities will not remain concealed inside them forever; eventually, they will make their way out in the form of negative speech. As the Hovot Ha’levavot (2:5) writes, הלשון קולמוס הלב – the tongue is the pen of the heart, as it expresses one’s essence.
Two stories about the great sage Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l underscore how the use of one’s vocal faculties reflects his true innocence. Rav Moshe was known for, among other things, his unparalleled sensitivity to other people’s feelings, and these two stories reflect how this ingrained nature was expressed in the way he spoke – or, more accurately, how he did not speak.
Once, when Rav Moshe was already an elderly man, he got into a car in front of the yeshiva, surrounded by students, and after the door was closed, the driver pulled away from the curb. A short while later, after the car had driven for a few blocks, Rav Moshe asked the driver if he could pull over to the side of the road. The driver agreed, and once the car was parked, Rav Moshe opened the door and pulled in his hand – which had been smashed by the student who had shut the door. The driver asked Rav Moshe why he didn’t say anything when it happened, and he explained that he did not want to upset the student, who would have felt terribly ashamed for hurting his Rabbi and would never have forgiven himself. He therefore remained silent until the car was out of the student’s view.
The second story occurred after Rav Moshe received as a gift a new set of Talmud, after having studied from the same volumes for many years. This new set had large margins in which Rav Moshe could write his insights as he learned. Once, when Rav Moshe stepped away from his Gemara, a student came to look into the great Rabbi’s book, to see what he wrote about as he learned. The boy leaned over and accidently knocked over the inkwell, spilling blue ink all over the page of the Gemara. He was mortified, and stood there frozen, trying to think of how he would tell his Rabbi that he had just ruined his new volume. As he stood there, Rav Moshe returned and saw what happened.
He gently placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder and said, “You know I think the Gemara looks better in blue, anyway.”
The way a person speaks in times of personal pain and angst reflects the kind of person he is inside. And thus Rav Moshe’s calm, sensitive response to those who inadvertently caused him harm testified to the pure, noble soul within him.
However, while one’s manner of speech reflects his essence, the opposite is also true – the way one speaks can help mold and shape his essence.
Rav Yaakov Ades, Rosh Yeshivat Kol Yaakov, proved this point from the Ramban’s timeless exhortation to his son, in Iggeret Ha’Ramban:
תתנהג תמיד לדבר כל דבריך בנחת לכל אדם ובכל עת, ובזה תנצל מן הכעס שהיא מדה רעה להחטיא בני אדם.
“Always accustom yourself to speak all your words calmly, to all people and at all times, and this way you will be saved from anger, which is an evil trait which causes people to sin.”
The pasuk in Iyov (18:4) says about anger, טורף נפשו באפו – that it tears apart the soul, and the Arizal (cited in Reshit Hochmah, Sha’ar Ha’anavah, 2) explained this literally, to mean that the soul is damaged and plagued as a result of anger. The Ramban here teaches us that we can avoid anger by ensuring to speak calmly under all circumstances, and to all people. Normally, we think that the way we speak is a function of our feelings and emotions. But the Ramban here teaches that to the contrary, we can control our feelings and emotions by the way we speak. As Rav Ades noted, while speech sometimes reflects a person’s essence, it can also affect a person’s essence. We can influence the nature of our souls by speaking the right way – in a calm, dignified and controlled manner.
On Shabbat, we receive an extra soul – a soul that is loftier and more sacred than our ordinary souls. We have the responsibility to nurture and uplift this special soul, and we accomplish this by ensuring to speak properly throughout the Shabbat. And thus although calm, dignified speech is always important, it assumes special significance on Shabbat, when we are charged with the responsibility of caring for our special souls.
Let us, then, begin already this Shabbat to be more careful about the way we speak on Shabbat. Many things can happen that make us upset, but we can control our emotions through a conscious effort to speak softly, gently and calmly under all circumstances and to all people. It might be too difficult to commit ourselves to speak calmly at all times, or even throughout the entire Shabbat, so we can begin by choosing one specific time-frame during Shabbat when we will be especially mindful about speaking calmly. These efforts will, hopefully, help us avoid the destructive effects that anger can have upon our souls and our families, and raise us to greater heights of sensitivity, compassion and understanding, not only on Shabbat, but throughout the week and throughout our lives.