Focusing on the Positive, Overlooking the Negative
Hacham Yehuda Ades, Rosh Yeshivat Kol Yaakov, delivered numerous lectures on parenting which were compiled into a book, and in these lectures he emphasized the importance of complimenting children and refraining from criticizing. He told that he once took the staff of his yeshiva to Rav Shach for guidance on how to properly educate their students, and Rav Shach said, “In the majority of cases, it’s best to ignore.” He explained that a student will do many things wrong, and in the vast majority of cases, he won’t change because he is criticized. More often than not, the only effect criticism has is creating negative feelings. Therefore, educators need to learn to ignore minor infractions. Hacham Ades applied this message to parenting, as well. Of course, parents cannot overlook everything a child does wrong. However, there are many little things that we parents are tempted to criticize, but we would be best advised not to, such as how a young child sits or eats.
Hacham Ades applied this message to marriage, as well. He, like many Rosheh Yeshiva, delivered classes to grooms preparing for marriage and to newly-married students about the proper way to approach the relationship with one’s spouse. He urged his students to be very careful about making even seemingly innocent critical comments, such as, “Why did you buy the chunky peanut butter?” or “Where did you put my cufflinks?” As an exercise, he would ask his students to make a list of such comments which they thought about making to their wives, but decided not to make. The average was about twenty such comments a day. We can imagine that husbands who are not trained to exercise caution in this regard likely make one hundred or perhaps more such comments every month. Rav Ades remarked that husbands who make these comments without discretion essentially turn their wives into a dartboard, because each and every negative comment is like a dart, an arrow that stabs the heart. A negative comment might seem innocent, but the truth is that it hurts, causes pain, and poisons the atmosphere in the home.
This is something which is very appropriate for us to reflect upon during the month of Elul, when we are to be focusing on ways to improve ourselves. Many people make the mistake of thinking that Elul is a time to work only on lofty spiritual matters. The truth is, however, that our first order of business during Elul involves down-to-earth matters, such as our relationships with the people around us. And one of the most important things we can do to improve our relationships is to speak positively and avoid negativity as much as possible.
Rav Ehrlenger was once asked by his father-in-law, Rav Wolbe, to deliver a class in his yeshiva during Elul. Upon hearing the request, Rav Eherlenger felt very excited, and eagerly waited to hear what subject his father-in-law wanted him to discuss in his talk. Much to his surprise, Rav Wolbe asked him to speak about the proper way to drive according to the Torah. Rav Wolbe explained that during Elul, we should not try to soar to the heavens and think only of lofty ideals. We need to focus our attention on our ordinary, day-to-day activities and see what we can do to improve our conduct when going about our normal routine – including the way we drive. Certainly, this is true also about avoiding negativity in our relationships.
Rav Ades told that a woman, whose daughter was married to one of the Rabbi’s students, complained that her son-in-law never compliments her on the food she serves him. She told him that this disturbed her, and so he decided to speak to the young man without telling him of his conversation with his mother-in-law. As they spoke, the student complained that in his in-laws’ home, he is expected to make a “big deal” about everything, and to effusively praise everything served to him – even the salad.
“Well,” Rav Ades said, “why don’t we go ahead and look at what’s entailed in making a salad? Let’s go to the grocery store, pick out all the vegetables, wait on line at the checkout, wash the vegetables, slice them, put them together in a bowl, add the right seasoning and then mix them.”
He explained to the student that even making a salad takes time and effort. If a husband comes home to a home-cooked meal and does not appreciate it, as he thinks that the wife is just “doing her job,” then, in the Rabbi’s words, “he has no hope.” We need to pay attention to everything being done for us and appreciate it. Indeed, the Gemara says that a good guest looks around the table and thinks to himself, “The host did all this for me!” This must be our attitude in all areas of life – feeling grateful for all that is done for us, and not taking any of it for granted.
Rav Ades further related that after his father passed away, a special gathering was held in his home to mark the sheloshim (passage of thirty days from the death), and a meal was served. One of the prominent Rabbis in attendance was Hacham Ovadia Hedaya, a renowned halachic scholar and dayan (rabbinical judge). Before he left, Hacham Ovadia made a point of going into the kitchen to thank Rav Ades’ mother for the meal and to compliment her on the quality of the food. While some might find it unusual for a Rabbi to enter the kitchen to thank the woman for preparing the food, Hacham Ovadia Hedaya felt that this was necessary in order to express his gratitude.
On another occasion, Rav Ades related, he attended a sheva berachot celebration, and somebody picked up the liver, smelled it, and made a face, expressing his displeasure. The other guests naturally assumed that the liver was spoiled, and so nobody ate any liver. Rav Ades said that this was “murder,” embarrassing and offending the woman who worked hard to prepare the food for the event. He added that the next time he attended this kind of affair, he made a point of complimenting everything – the napkins, the plates, the arrangement, the rolls and everything else. Rav Ades observed how this influenced his children, who followed his example and grew accustomed to giving compliments and speaking positively. By focusing on the positive aspects of all things and refraining from speaking negatively, we can infuse our homes with positive energy and genuine joy.
Moreover, Rav Ades noted, when we approach the people and things around us with a positive outlook, we build our own self-esteem. Negative people, who regularly look to criticize others, are often quick to criticize themselves, as well, leading to a feeling of emptiness and lowliness. Just as a fire cannot be told to burn some things but not others, similarly, a negative outlook cannot be directed only against others and not against oneself. When we look at others positively, we are able to look at ourselves positively, as well, and develop a healthy self-image.
This applies at all times, but it is especially vital on Shabbat, when we take a step back to appreciate all the goodness that G-d has bestowed upon us. Moreover, with all the work that goes into preparing for Shabbat, it offers us the perfect opportunity to train ourselves in appreciation and gratitude. This is true of Rosh Hashanah, as well. On Rosh Hashanah, we should not try to raise our heads to the “clouds” and focus only on lofty, abstract, spiritual matters. We need to focus our attention on the down-to-earth aspects of our characters, among the most important of which is looking positively and gratefully at the people in our lives. If we try to look with positivity at the world and avoid negativity, we will live happier and more fulfilling lives, and enjoy stronger and happier relationships.