Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness.
Now that we’ve gone through the eight cognitive distortions as listed by Dr. Greenwald in his sefer Etzot V’Hadrachot, I'd like to add some of my own, based on personal experience of people coming to me struggling with what I’ll call spiritual struggles based on mental health or the like. A common one is, “Why is it that I'm strengthening myself in religion, getting stronger, but things aren't getting better. I’m strengthening myself in areas of Kashrut, Tzniut, Shabbat and so on. What does Hashem want from me? I feel like a little girl that can never make her father happy.”
That's a spiritual struggle, with added emotional difficulties because you're having this struggle in your relationship with Hashem, and you can't seem to make Him happy.
After trying to empathize as well as I can, I often have one simple question, which is, Who said that things got worse?
“What do you mean? I don't have a parnassa?”
Who said that's worse?
“What do you mean? I can't put food on the table!”
Who said that's worse? Who said Hashem is upset with you? Maybe He’s happy with you. You can't measure how Hashem feels about you based on how things are going in your life.
That is cognitive distortion number nine- that you think that you can figure out what Hashem feels about you based on how He's treating you.
This concept is found in Mesilat Yesharim, chapter 19 where he talks about how a person can continue to love Hashem even when the going gets rough.
He says we have to remember the following important principle,
כָּל מַאי דְּעָבְדִין מִן שְׁמַיָּא לְטָב"
Everything that comes from the heavens is for the good.
Whatever Hashem does is for the good.
אֲפִלּוּ הַצַּעַר הַהוּא, וְהַדֹּחַק הַנִּרְאֶה בְּעֵינָיו רָעָה, אֵינֶנּוּ בֶּאֱמֶת אֶלָּא טוֹבָה אֲמִתִּית,
Even that pain and that oppression that seems in his eyes to be evil, in truth, it's really good.
You think it's bad, but it's good. He uses the famous mashal of a surgeon who removes a gangrene limb so that the rest of the body should be healthy and not die. Even though it seems like a cruel act, in truth, it’s full of mercy for the long term good. The patient does not diminish his love for the doctor because of that. In fact, it’s the opposite, he loves him even more. He says, if a person thinks (and this is all cognition) that whatever Hashem does with him is for his good, whether with his body or his money, even though he doesn't see it and doesn't understand how it's good, וַדַּאי טוֹבָתוֹ הוּא
it's definitely good. With that attitude, לֹא תֶחֱלַשׁ אַהֲבָתוֹ מִפְּנֵי כָּל דֹּחַק אוֹ כָּל צַעַר all the pain and all the oppression, will not change his love for God- it’ll cause him to love Him even more.
This cognitive distortion is that we think what we perceive as good and bad decides what God's attitude or relationship towards us is. That is a mistake, and we need to correct it. That is cognitive distortion number nine, based on my experience and I think it's correct.
Have a wonderful day.