Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness.
We continue with the topic of giving in, in the proper way, not being a doormat, being assertive at times, expressing your opinion, and the like.
Rav Yitzhak Lawrence cautions parents and educators against permitting a particular child or student to always be the one who is Mevater, to always be the one who gives in. He decries the frequent phenomenon of a child who, personality-wise, is more prone to be Mevater. He says parents and educators are overjoyed with this, as it avoids many conflicts between their children or students, and they crown this child as the prince of Vitur/the prince of giving in.
But he says this child feels pressure to live up to his sterling reputation, and thus, always volunteers to give in. He'll even try to convince himself that he's doing this willingly, but in fact, he becomes increasingly resentful of being taken advantage of. This usually results in significant emotional damage.
He says that at the beginning, you might not see it. It might take years until it comes out. That's why it's important in child rearing, to stress the healthiness of being open with your feelings; with yourself and with others.
Rav Wolbe writes that one of the reasons we're not open to share that ‘Someone hurt me,’ or ‘I don't want to give in,’ which means showing vulnerability really comes from arrogance.
Imagine a man who walks into the house and his wife is on the phone. He had a whole, long day at work, and he wants to talk and share with his wife, but she's talking to whomever.
He doesn't want to tell his wife, “You know what? When I come home, I really want you to talk to me,” because that's sharing weakness. I need my wife to talk to me? This big, tough man needs to come home after a day at work and debrief with his wife? And not only that, but now that she's talking to someone else, he feels insulted or hurt… that is vulnerability. That is admitting weakness, and therefore the person might not share it. These little scenarios build and build; they snowball.
Dr. Sorotzkin, a well-known psychologist, says that experience has shown that when a person is more assertive in not allowing himself to be constantly put down and criticized, that allows him to be Mevater in the future, without feeling resentment. If I feel I'm in control of my giving in, it’s easier to do it, because it’s my choice. But if I feel that it’s something that I have to do, that I’m forced into doing, that is not a healthy Vitur. The example of healthy Vitur was Aharon HaKohen. He was the leader in a Mitzrayim, and his brother Moshe was out of circulation for 60 years or more. Upon Moshe’s return, Aharon would be moved to the side, to be his younger brother's spokesman. What does the Torah say?
V’Ra’acha V’Samach B’Libo
He's going to see you and be happy in his heart, not just happy externally, but happy in his heart. Aharon really was happy for his brother. And on this, the Gemara in Shabbat 139A says, Because his heart was happy with his brother's success, he merited the Choshen Mishpat- The breastplate was put on his heart. What exactly is the connection? In the Derashot HaRan, a Rishon, Rabbenu Nissim, in his third essay, writes that the Choshen Mishpat had letters of the alphabet that miraculously lit up when someone had a question, so they were able to tell the future, which is almost prophetic. But the Kohen’s job originally was not to be a prophet. He was supposed to be a servant in the Bet Hamikdash. How did Aharon and all future kohen Gadol’s get this ability to see the future? Because Aharon HaKohen gave in to his brother and said, “I'll pass on being the prophet, I'll give that up to my brother,” he got the ability to see the future (using the Choshen Mishpat), not just for himself, but for future generations. Moshe’s children didn't have that ability; Aharon’s children did. So once again, we see the power of Vitur- because Aharon HaKohen gave in, he didn't lose out. But the key is
V’Ra’acha V’Samach B’Libo
Aharon HaKohen wasn't just externally happy, he was happy in his heart. That's real Vitur. That's the Vitur that we publicize, and we share.