Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily. In the previous class, the esteemed Dr Katzenstein spoke about social comparisons and how detrimental they are. He did a really good job. It’s worth going back to it, if you didn't get to it yesterday.
So, how do we overcome the challenges of social comparison? Easier said than done. First, we have to understand how far back social comparison goes. It didn't start with social media. It goes back to the first sin between two human beings, when
Kayin killed his brother. Why did he kill him? Because, as we all know, Kayin was the originator. He brought an offering to God, Hevel copied him, and God accepted Hevel’s Korban, but not Kayin’s.
Kayin got very angry, and his face dropped. So, God spoke to Kayin, who was a prophet. Rav Nosson Wachtfogel, the famed Mashgiach of Lakewood, calls this the first Mussar speech in the Torah, so pay attention. It's not just directed at Kayin. It’s directed to humanity.
God tells Kayin, “What are you upset about? Why did your face fall? If you do good, you will lift yourself up.”
This is a powerful line. God is giving Kayin advice for handling jealousy. His whole essence was jealousy. His name, Kayin, has the same root as the word kin’a/jealousy.
They were two brothers, and one was comparing himself to the other.
That's where comparisons usually start. That’s the source for sibling rivalry. Parents help it out when they compare. ‘Why can't you be like your brother?’ ‘Why can't you bother like your sister?’ We train our children, at a young age, in social comparison, to measure themselves by somebody else.
Rav Wolbe quotes the Or HaChaim HaKaddosh in his sefer Alei Shor, when he discusses the problem of jealousy.
He says, “If you do good, you will lift yourself up,” means that if you have in yourself the quality of goodness, when start doing good things, that quality of goodness will hover upon your deeds, and you’ll be lifted up by yourself. In other words, Focus on yourself. Focus on making yourself better, and you will lift yourself up.
I once heard a similar line from a businessman. He said that when he first started working with his father in a retail electronics store, he kept checking on what the competition was doing across the street and reporting back to his dad.
His dad said, “Your success will only be if you focus on your business.” That's the secret. Focus on your business.’ And then you’ll lift yourself up,
Because, as he says, “Holiness doesn't need anybody else's approval.” What a powerful line. You don't even need God's approval. You'll lift yourself up. And he goes on and says, learn the lesson of the chair of Rabi Chiya, that would go up on its own. What does that mean? Baba Metzia 85B tells the story of a rabbi who meets up with Eliyahu HaNavi, who allows him to see the Yeshiva shel Maala/the Heavenly Yeshiva Above.
Eliyahu HaNavi says, “You can look at anybody going in, but don't look at Rabi Chiya’s chair. If you look at Rabi Chiya, you're going to get blinded (or suffer some other consequence). The rabbi asked how he’d know who Rav Chiya was, and Eliyahu HaNavi said that all the chairs were being lifted up by angels, except Rabi Chiya’s. His chair lifted itself up.
Who was Rabi Chiya?
The Gemara said he was the one that went around teaching Torah to elementary school children, all over the country, when Torah was being forgotten. There was another rabbi, who was greater than him in learning, but Ravi Chiya did not focus on, or compare himself, to the other rabbi. He did what he was good at. He was a good teacher and went out and spread Torah, and didn't care about anybody else. And he became this great Rav Chiya, whose chair lifted up on its own. That's the only way out.
Rav Wolbe once said the only way out of comparisons is to be like Choni HaMaagel-make a circle around yourself and don't leave your own circle. It's all inside of you. And once you start focusing on yourself, you do one good thing on your own and you start feeling uplifted.
Have a wonderful day.