Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness.
Today’s lesson is based on a lecture by Rabbi Frand on Parashat Shelach, and can be found on Torah.org. He discusses the saga of the spies, which we know was not a very good episode in our history. It caused us to stay in the desert for 40 years, it was the cause of Tisha B’Av… And yet Hashem, Who knew what would happen, when asked about it by Moshe Rabbenu, replied, “If you want to send them, send them.” Why didn't Hashem stop them?
Rabbi Frand brings down from Rav Motel Katz, the RoshYeshiva in Telz, that educating sometimes requires not educating.
Sometimes the parent or teacher must not react, even though the situation really demands that something be said. Sometimes it's counterproductive to react. He quotes a Gemara in Yevamot that says, Just as it's a mitzvah to say something which will be heard and accepted, it's a mitzvah not to say something which may not be heard and accepted.” That's what was going with the spies. The people were not yet on the level to understand, and the objection would have fallen on deaf ears.
This is a rule that we can apply to raising our children as well. Sometimes, as difficult as it is for a parent, we must simply keep quiet. We can hint or suggest, or perhaps provide incentives, but in the final analysis, the children have to make the decision themselves. Sometimes it does not help to say something. Rabbi Frand shares the following story, that took place in Telz Yeshiva in Cleveland in the 1950s, and documented in Rav Motel’s own handwriting. I heard Rabbi Frand speak about this years ago, on Parashat Shelach in Deal Shul. Rav Motel writes,
“I was asked by the students of the yeshiva to permit them to pray Arbit early. They requested that the established schedule be changed for the evening that night (they wanted to pray earlier). Why did they wish to change the Yeshiva’s prayer schedule? So they could listen on the radio to the championship prize fight in New York to hear who wins.
-It's like a boy today going to his Rosh Yeshiva to ask if they could change the prayer times for the NBA playoffs-
Rav Mottel explained, “I knew full well that it was inappropriate to change the time of prayers in order for them to listen to this heavyweight prize fight. But I could not stop them or prohibit them from doing this. I knew that this was not the time to say no. Famous and respected people came from all over the country to be present at this heavyweight championship fight, to get ringside seats. A thousand people came from all parts of the country.
This prize fight was viewed by the masses. It was an event of major proportions. It was difficult to forbid it. I could not say no because they would not know where I was coming from. They would not understand my reasoning. The majority of the students of the yeshiva at that time came from public schools. High level Torah study was just beginning to take root in America. They had not yet achieved a spiritual level whereby they could understand the idea that watching two people hitting each other in a boxing ring is a foolish past time. To get up in the yeshiva and castigate such an activity as stupidity and nonsense would fall on deaf ears.”
That is Chinuch. To know when to say, and when not to say; to know your children and what their ability is, and what the mentality that's prevalent in the era is.
That's why chinuch is personalized. It's not one size fits all. It's extremely difficult. When do you say yes and when do you say no?
Being too permissive is no good and being too tough is no good. Rabbi Dr. Yaakov Greenwald, in his sefer Etzot V’Hadrachot, volume two, page 83, talks about the balance of education.
He references Rav Yisrael Salanter, who compared education to holding a bird in your palm. If you open your hand too wide, the bird will fly away and get lost. But if you try to watch it very closely and keep a tight grasp on it, you will choke it and it will also be lost. That's the balance of chinuch. You don't want to lose the child, but you don't want to choke the child either. Therefore, you have to know your child. It's not easy.
Of course, ultimately, Rabbi Frand ends his piece by saying that you have to pray to Hashem, Atah Honen L’Adam Da’at/ Hashem, grant us the understanding to know when to say yes and when to say no.
Rabbi Ades once asked Rav Shach what the most important thing in chinuch/education is. His answer was to ignore. If you see it, you have to react. The best thing is not to see everything, because you can't possibly comment on everything. So sometimes the proper way is just to ignore.
Easier said than done. Have a wonderful day.