Our next example of being able to hold two emotions and not have all or nothing thinking is in the story of Yitro. Moshe Rabbenu tells Yitro all that happened to Paroah in Mizrayim, and all the wonderful things that happened to the Jewish people. And it says, “Vayichad Yitro.” Rashi says simply, that it comes from the word Hedvah, meaning he was happy. But he cites a midrash, that another root of this word is chad/sharp, indicating that Yitro’s skin became sharp, like with goose-bumps, because he felt bad that the Egyptians had drowned.
From here, it says that a convert should not be insulted, even up to 10 generations. The question is, how can it be? Was Yitro happy or did he have goosebumps? The answer is, both. On one hand, Yitro was happy for the Jewish people, and yet, on the other hand, he was saddened by the fact that his former relatives had drowned.
This is important for this time of the year. I heard a great mashal on this concept, for all the women:
When a person has their children over for the holidays, she says to herself, “Wow! We had such a wonderful holiday!” But then, after eight days of the grandchildren in the house, she thinks, “Wow, I'm really happy they left.” And suddenly, she feels guilty, wondering, “How can I be thinking like that? How could I be happy that they left??”
And the answer is, it’s fine. You could be happy that they were there, and happy that they left. You're happy they were there because it was a wonderful time.
But your knees are aching and it was a lot of hard work. So you're happy they left. And that's okay. You're not a failure because you have those two feelings at the same time. There's a saying that I remember hearing years ago, in Israel:
“Hayah Tov, V’Tov Shehaya
It was good, and it's good that it was.”
Meaning, that it's over. You can have both of those feelings going on at the same time. It's not a contradiction. We have to know that it's not one or the other. Two things can be going on in us at the same time. We have that ability. This shows up in multiple places in the Pele Yoetz. One is based on the piyut that Sephardic Jews say before we blow the shofar on Rosh Hashana, describing how Avraham was feeling at the time of the Akeda.
Eyin b’mar Bocha/He was crying bitterly,
V’Lev Sameach/And his heart was happy. How could that be? How could he be crying and happy at the same time? It's possible. Sometimes people feel that there's something wrong with their Emunah when they cry over a tragedy. Aren't you supposed to be happy? Aren't you supposed to say Everything that God does
Is for the good? Aren't you supposed to say, Dayan HaEmet, that God is the true judge, with the same happiness that you say HaTov U’Metiv? Yes. It’s all true.
But it's possible to have multiple things going on, because the truth is, we're complex. We have a brain that's cerebral and intellectual, we have a heart that’s emotional, we have a gut that's instinctive,
And all of these things are going on at the same time. We're able to hold them all together at the same time and not be one or the other. One emotion is not an indication of everything. We have to be able to hold different thoughts and not be either or. This is an important tool for being emotionally healthy. Emotionally healthy people are able to hold more than one emotion at the same time. There is a pasuk in tehilim (68,7) that says,
אֱלֹהִ֤ים ׀ מ֘וֹשִׁ֤יב יְחִידִ֨ים ׀ בַּ֗יְתָה מוֹצִ֣יא אֲ֭סִירִים בַּכּוֹשָׁר֑וֹת אַ֥ךְ ס֝וֹרְרִ֗ים שָׁכְנ֥וּ צְחִיחָֽה
God puts individuals in a home (meaning He makes a marriage) He takes out prisoners at a kosher time (meaning He took the Jews out of Egypt at the right time).
But there is a deeper explanation-Chazal tell us- that the word B’Kosharot is really a contraction of two words- bechi/crying, and v’shirot/ singing. Sometimes, when there's a marriage, there is crying and singing. What does that mean? The rabbis explain that this is referring to a second marriage. It happens, lo Alenu, that sometimes, a man loses his wife, and a woman loses her husband and this couple, both of whom have lost their spouses, remarry.
It's happy, and it's sad. And it takes a lot of emotional wellness to be able to carry those two emotions at the same time.
But it’s not all or nothing.