Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily. We are going through cognitive distortions as listed by Dr. Greenwald in his Sefer Etzot V’Hadrachot, based on his correspondence with the Steipler,m Gaon.
His third Cognitive distortion is the thought that, “It's a tragedy and a great destruction when the aspects of man's life and are not managed the way he'd like them to be, or based on what he calculated.”
In other words, ‘If things don't work out the way I planned, that is a disaster!’ That is a cognitive distortion and it’s obviously a mistake. This condition is diametrically opposed to Emunah and Bitachon and to the fundamental knowledge that God is the one who supervises us with Hashgacha Pratit literally, on every person every second of the day.
Furthermore, if a person gets upset that his desires aren’t always filled, even for a short amount of time, or when something doesn’t go the way it’s supposed to go, or he's upset that he made a mistake, that’s normal. The only people that don’t get upset are Gedolei Yisrael, who never get a upset when things don’t go the way they want them to.
But that’s the way Hashem created the world. That's normal.
We all have emotions and if things don't go right, our immediate reaction might be to feel a little upset. As we said, the Torah was not given to angels. On the other hand, however, a person should not get dragged into a depression.
He goes on to say that the biggest tragedy is the fact that this fellow sees his life not going right as a tragedy. That is the biggest tragedy, and that's going to cause him a lot of distress.
In truth, based on Emunah and Bitachon, maybe this is what's supposed to be. And furthermore, logically, being upset and depressed and confused is not going to change the situation. If anything, it's going to make it even worse. Therefore, if there is no logical way to change the situation, then the smartest thing to do, the most logical thing to do, the most productive thing to do, is to accept it. That's a very important rule.
And that, of course, as we said, is very strongly tied to Emunah and Bitachon. Acceptance.
He says, if you look into it with a little bit of understanding and a little bit of balance, you'll realize that you don't really need your desires to be fulfilled, to make you happy. It's because you decided that you need that. That means you don't need a car to be happy. Of course, people without cars might not be happy. But you don't need a car to be happy. It's because you decided you need a car to be happy, that now, if you don't have it, you'll be upset. But if you don't make that decision, then the lack of the car on its own is not a source to be unhappy. And therefore, he says, a logical person relies on Hashem, “And he does not exaggerate the uncomfortable situations.”
There are certain people that make everything sound horrible. But it wasn't as bad as it sounds. There’s a bit of exaggeration, and bit of dramatics going on. The wise person does what he can to fix it according to his ability, and if he can't change the situation, he's on the acceptance program. So again, we try our best and we rely on Hashem, but at the end of the day, acceptance is necessary.
More often than not, the mental anguish comes from his own head.
Like I always say, it's all in the mind. It is all in the mind, because he decided this situation is a horror, even though it's not as horrible as it sounds. There are so many situations where it's all about our decisions that decide, is it terrible or is it not terrible? It's up to us. Is it terrible that you got a stain on your clothing? Is it terrible that you stepped in a puddle?
This reminds me of some thing that happened to me not long ago. There’s no greatness in the story, it’s just an example:
Our Torah Center parking lot has very large puddles and areas that are almost like a lake. One night when I got there, there was no place to park. So I parked in a puddle and when I got out I was in water up to my ankles.
I don't know why, but I just started laughing. I felt like a kid. I just walked through the water. It was cold. My socks were soaking, my shoes were soaking, but I was just laughing.
Maybe it was the shock of the cold? I have no explanation. A few minutes later, another fellow walked in and said, “I just stepped in this puddle. It's terrible. I have to go home. I have to change my pants. I have to change my clothes. I don’t know if I can learn tonight.” Same event. I just happened to crack up, and this fellow just got dragged down by the puddle. Big deal. It's a puddle. Again, no greatness on my part. That's just a little story. Have a great day.