Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness.
Somebody just sent me an interesting article quoting a Dr. Gordon Flett, a professor at York University, and the author of a book called The Psychology of Mattering. He is one of the world's foremost authorities on the subject of mattering. What is mattering? Mattering is what it sounds like- a person needs to matter in this world.
A sense of mattering is necessary for a human to flourish. He gives the example of a lady who was helping her son, who was conducting a study that he needed volunteers for. She went riding around on her bicycle, pedaling to many baseball and soccer fields in the neighborhood, in order to recruit participants for her son's study. This was at a time in her life where she was going through certain difficulties, and it gave her the boost she needed in terms of mattering, by carving out a new, meaningful role for herself. The article continues to say, “
Mattering doesn't just mean you belong to a group. It's nice to belong. We're all familiar with that concept. People join communities and teams because they want a sense of belonging. But that's not enough.
Mattering means you're missed when you're not there, and that's very important when it comes to person's self-esteem. You could like yourself, and feel capable, but you're still not going to be happy if no one notices when you're not there.
One of the most important things you can do for somebody else is when you noticed that they're missing in shul (or in whatever social group you're in), call them and say, “Hey, I missed you.” Or when a child is not in school for a day, the Rebbe and classmates call to say the child was missed.
That's important. People need to matter.
There are certain people that are workaholics because they feel needed, and that they matter at work. People matter in relationships with their family, other people matter by volunteering their time or fighting for a cause. These are all ways to matter, and mattering is important. But all of this, you could read about in any old, psychology article. Our job is to bring religion and spirituality to our mental health.
And mattering doesn't necessarily need external factors. A story that we've told in the past fits this message perfectly, of the man who was a little older, and started learning later in life, but was struggling in his Gemara. He was also having physical challenges. One day he walked into shul and the rabbi noticed that he looked a little down. The man asked the rabbi if Hashem really cared…if what he was doing really mattered.
The rabbi answered with the mashal of the great composer, Toscanini, who was able, while listening to a radio broadcast of a certain symphony, to detect one missing violin, out of 13 violins in a 70 piece orchestra! The rabbi told this man, who was a little down, that if a human composer can notice when one violin is missing, surely God notices when you are missing.
It’s important to know that every single day, when I get up in the morning, God decided I should get up. That means I matter. I matter because otherwise, I wouldn't be in this world. I wouldn't get up in the morning if I didn't matter. I make a difference.
The Jewish people are compared to the letters in the Torah- if one letter is missing the entire Torah is pasul.
So a letter could say, “Do I matter?”
Of course you matter!
“What do you mean? I'm a small little yud. No one looks at me. I'm in the middle of the Torah. I'm not the Bet of Bereshit…”
But you matter, because if you are not there, the sefer Torah is pasul.
Mattering shows up in a lot of areas, symbolically in our religion.
It’s the 11th spice in the incense-if we don't have it, it doesn't work.
It’s the man that we invite, at the beginning of Kal Nidre. We say, We're now going to accept the sinners into our congregation, because we need them too. They matter.
One of the Arba Minim is the Arava. It has no taste, and no smell. But if you don't have it, you don't have your set. You matter.
This is an important psychological concept that can be accomplished with our religious beliefs.
Have a wonderful day.